Top 91 Jesus Humor Quotes
#1. I grabbed my napkin and managed to pretend to sneeze which had the added effect of covering up most of my face which was surely completely beet red with embarrassment at this point. Yeah, I was classy and suave like that. Jesus Christ, Angel, get a grip!
Diana Rowland
#2. Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.
Billy Crystal
#3. Mother calls up the stairs to ask what in the world I'm typing up there all day and I holler down, 'Just typing up some notes from the Bible study. Just writing down all the things I love about Jesus.
Kathryn Stockett
#4. Today someone asked me if that old stereotype about hot-headed Italians is true. I answered this way: About 2,000 years ago, there was a guy running around hollering about peace & love ... and we nailed his ass to a cross! (Hope that answers your fuckin' question!)
Quentin R. Bufogle
#5. By the way, don't you think shoving a light bulb up baby Jesus' butt and plugging it in is just a little sacrilegious?
Dana Marie Bell
#6. And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.
Dylan Moran
#7. I suggest it's time we head off to see the Wizard. The wonderful Wizard of Jesus We Are All So Fucked.
Mira Grant
#8. I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive" in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ.
Ann Coulter
#9. Jesus Christ, will you quit dictating this conversation to Hannah?' I grumble. 'Bros before hos, dude.'
'Call my girlfriend a ho one more time and you won't have a bro.
Elle Kennedy
#11. Unfortunately when I'm on my death bed I believe I'll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I've checked my sock drawer.
Stanley Victor Paskavich
#12. Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won't sparkle in the sunshine, he'll just marry you.
Nick Shamhart
#14. Of course, I've told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it's God's will.
Kathy Griffin
#16. Jesus."
"I thought you were Jewish."
He pressed his lips together for a second before looking at me. "Fine. I'll say Moses. Or Abraham. Happy?"
"I doubt Jesus is.
M. Kane
#17. I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there's no one I can turn to with this love.
Morrissey
#18. Jesus was a good guy, he didn't need this shit.
John Prine
#19. I've been praying to Jesus and the Holy Ghost for patience and I have also mentioned that it would help if I did not have frizzy hair.
Margaret Sartor
#20. If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching.
Katie Graykowski
#21. I wished I had put more cherries on that slice. The whole jar of cherries. I could watch him eat a whole jar of cherries.
Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, what was happening to me?
Francesca Zappia
#22. Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.
Russell Brand
#23. What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?
Salman Rushdie
#24. Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik
#25. Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Stephen Colbert
#26. Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.
Carl Hiaasen
#27. Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is doing
Skye Daphne
#28. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. - Holden Caulfield
J.D. Salinger
#29. Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.
Scott B. Pruden
#30. Schiffer recoiled: "Oh, Jesus Christ, Taryn, don't give me a heart attack," she said, clutching at her chest. "Remember: no sense of humor. How many times do I have to tell you that: No sense of humor. Humor can get you in all kinds of shit and we've got this won, if we don't get funny.
John Sandford
#32. I have a very dark sense of humor. I swear. I have a very playful relationship with Jesus.
Anne Lamott
#33. You know, people always talk about how Jesus came down to Earth as a human being. He became a human being, But no one ever takes into account what that means.
David Javerbaum
#34. Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, Jesus! This cup is expensive!
Conan O'Brien
#35. Will you bloody say something?" I demanded at last, in a voice that shook oiliv a little. His mouth opened, but no words came out. He shook his head slowly from side to side. "Jesus," he whispered at last.
Diana Gabaldon
#36. I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.
Justin Halpern
#37. The pony stared at us lugubriously from the dashboard. Jesus. Little fucker had watched the whole thing.
Leah Raeder
#38. You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.
Katt Williams
#39. New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to twelve pancakes. Really? 'Cause I get four. Who's your cook, Jesus?
Bill Maher
#40. I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did.
MaryJanice Davidson
#41. We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie
Jeaniene Frost
#42. I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.
M.J. McGuire
#43. Some women barter their bodies like whores with wedding bands. Some use sex like a sword. But some women can touch a man and heal like Jesus.
Paula Wall
#45. Annabelle was silent for a moment and then sighed, concluding with a shake of her head, 'Jesus wouldn't try to kidnap me.'" p.63
Ruth Apollonia
#46. I'm sure her vagina isn't sticking out." I look at Poppy. "Jesus, it's not sticking out is it?"
"Go say something encouraging to that girl, Warren."
I pull Lilla's arm along, because I'll be damned, if there's a hideous vagina sticking out I'm not foregoing this shit alone.
Pella Grace
#47. I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
Bo Burnham
#48. What the fuck!" Smithie shouted. "Where did you all go? Is anyone fuckin' there? I'm in a fuckin' tree. Jesus fuckin' Christ.
Kristen Ashley
#49. I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.
Bo Burnham
#50. No one would have been invited to dinner so often as Jesus was unless he were interesting and had a sense of humor.
Charles M. Schulz
#51. Thank God for Jesus. Because, you know, he was here like us, so he knows how hard it is to be a person. He must have a sense of humor about us.
Sara Miles
#52. Anna's spiritual formation was relegated to cultural expressions of faith: the Christmas Baby Jesus and his gifts, the Easter risen Christ and his chocolate bunnies, and a copy of The Thorn Birds pulled from her mother's bookshelf.
Jill Alexander Essbaum
#54. I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
Marc Maron
#55. Jesus, I smell like Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator.
Bill Bryson
#56. Matty just rolled his eyes and walked over to his older brother. "Why is it when everyone thinks they're on their death bed, they suddenly find Jesus?"
Jayne shrugged and replied, "Because that's where he likes to hang out?
Nonjon
#57. Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
#58. Oh Jesus, Digger on a horse," Kelly said. "He kept threatening to make his horse into stew."
"He named his horse Stu," Nick added.
Abigail Roux
#59. I think if Jesus would have been alive today, he would have been all about the pot. I think he would have really grooved on it, and that's why he would've gone to jail today.
Laura Moriarty
#60. He hadn't struck her as particularly religious unless she counted the number of times he'd called out to Jesus when he'd been deep inside her.
Amy Andrews
#61. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!
Kathy Griffin
#62. What would people think?'
Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart.
'Oh,' said Grandpa.
Garrison Keillor
#63. Monkeys
What! His partner said.
Monkeys are funny, said Peabody.'So why didn't we we pick monkeys.
His partner sighed and shook his head with sad dismay.
Monkeys? Jesus.
Monkeys' idea of fun is throwing their shit at you. Monkeys always take the joke a step too far.
Toby Barlow
#64. That's it," Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. "I'm getting back on the wagon and I'm never getting off again. Oh, Jesus, look at that."
"I'm looking," Jesus said. Flanagan flicked an annoyed glance at him
Kevin Hearne
#65. If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen
#66. I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.
Dave Matthes
#67. And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthday a lot of people tended to confuse with mine. I was personally outraged. It was a long time before I forgave the Lord for that.
Ava Gardner
#68. I feel about John ['s gospel] like I feel about my wife; I love her very much, but I wouldn't claim to understand her.
(Following Jesus, p. 27.)
N. T. Wright
#69. And before any Christian readers get all offended - relax. I'm not saying that I'm the new Jesus. I'm just saying there's a very good chance that I might be.
Danny Wallace
#70. Lennon had a good point when he said that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus, the Beatles have a longer Wikipedia page.
Zachary Crosby
#71. Jesus, Dad," I said as people stared. "Someone will rob you."
The captain laughed. "Yeah." He jerked his chin toward Kash. "Him.
Heidi Heilig
#72. God doesn't do notes, either. Did Jesus Christ say, "Can I be excused the Crucifixion?" No!
Alan Bennett
#73. Like Jesus said 'blessed are the lazy who lie on boats, for they shall inherit a suntan
Nicholas Sparks
#74. Jesus ... It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who do Evil Shit in My Name.
Kevin Hearne
#75. Why do Jesus and Mary only appear on Mexican food? Huh? Answer me that? Nobody ever sees the face of God in a California roll.
Ken O'Neill
#77. Holy crap," Mindy whispered.
"Jesus Christ," Brody muttered.
"Oh my God," I breathed.
"What the fuck?" Max clipped.
Kristen Ashley
#78. Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?
Brandi L. Bates
#79. He said he talked to Jesus all the time. Even when he was driving his car. That killed me. I just see the big phony bastard shifting into first gear and asking Jesus to send him a few more stiffs.
J.D. Salinger
#80. If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
Natasha Leggero
#81. If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
Stephen Colbert
#83. Shit, you're superlate!"
Reese shrugged as she took in her beautifully made up sister. "Sorry, I couldn't get my hair to look right."
Piper scrunched up her face. "Did you even try" Jesus, you look like roadkill.
Toni Aleo
#84. During the "first Thanksgiving" at Plymouth, Wampanoag Indians - including a Patuxet Indian named Squanto - helped teach Pilgrims how to farm, fish, and hunt and shared the bounty of that first feast. A TRADITION THAT CONTINUES TODAY AND JESUS AND 9/11.
Patton Oswalt
#85. He peered down at me. "Jesus Christ. You're leaking."
If by "leaking" he meant "sobbing like a girl," I guess so.
Lili St. Crow
#86. Jesus!" Luke exclaimed.
"Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.
Cassandra Clare
#87. Jesus Christ, is everyone on something because I want some of whatever it is, Will grumbled, reaching for George's arm and looping it through his.
Christina Lauren
#89. Jesus, Karen, this bottle of Thousand Islands remembers where it was during the Kennedy assassination.
Douglas Coupland
#90. Want to go upstairs and play ball?"
"Now, you're talking. Naked basketball. Always my favorite."
"Loser gets fucked first."
"Jesus, Thursday, every time you set that rule you cheat."
"What do you mean, I cheat? I usually lose."
"That's exactly what I mean.
Mercy Celeste
#91. Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'
Customer's friend: 'Jesus.
Jen Campbell
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