Top 100 Doug Stanhope Quotes
#1. Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
#2. I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug Stanhope
#3. There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
Doug Stanhope
#4. The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.
Doug Stanhope
#5. If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
Doug Stanhope
#6. America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
Doug Stanhope
#7. I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
#8. Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.
Doug Stanhope
#9. That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Doug Stanhope
#10. Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD
Doug Stanhope
#11. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Doug Stanhope
#12. They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts ... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
Doug Stanhope
#13. I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug Stanhope
#14. My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
#15. Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.
Doug Stanhope
#16. People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.
Doug Stanhope
#17. Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.
Doug Stanhope
#18. There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
Doug Stanhope
#19. What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
Doug Stanhope
#20. What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Doug Stanhope
#21. Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
#22. Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
Doug Stanhope
#23. The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
Doug Stanhope
#24. I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
Doug Stanhope
#25. Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met
Doug Stanhope
#26. Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.
Doug Stanhope
#27. Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
#28. The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
Doug Stanhope
#29. Paralympics ... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
Doug Stanhope
#30. If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
#31. What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
Doug Stanhope
#32. Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
#33. Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
Doug Stanhope
#34. All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.
Doug Stanhope
#35. Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
Doug Stanhope
#37. Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
#38. Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
#39. If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
#40. Children are like poems. They're beautiful
to their creators
but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
Doug Stanhope
#42. There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
#43. If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
Doug Stanhope
#44. One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
Doug Stanhope
#45. Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Doug Stanhope
#46. Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
Doug Stanhope
#47. The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
#48. I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.
Doug Stanhope
#49. Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
#50. "This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
Doug Stanhope
#51. Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
#52. People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"
Doug Stanhope
#53. I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope
#54. Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
#56. A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope
#57. Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it's sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Doug Stanhope
#58. He's my usual type of fan ... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
#59. I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.
Doug Stanhope
#60. Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
#61. I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
Doug Stanhope
#62. I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
#63. You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.'
Doug Stanhope
#64. I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
#65. Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
#66. Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.
Doug Stanhope
#67. There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.
Doug Stanhope
#68. I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
#69. I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.
Doug Stanhope
#70. I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Doug Stanhope
#71. Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.
Doug Stanhope
#72. If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.
Doug Stanhope
#73. People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do ... which sucked a lot.
Doug Stanhope
#74. If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
Doug Stanhope
#75. I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
#76. "Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
#77. Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Doug Stanhope
#78. I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope
#79. At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope
#80. There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.
Doug Stanhope
#81. I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
Doug Stanhope
#82. I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope
#83. The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.
Doug Stanhope
#84. I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
Doug Stanhope
#85. When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
Doug Stanhope
#86. Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.
Doug Stanhope
#87. The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
#88. F you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
Doug Stanhope
#90. People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
Doug Stanhope
#91. I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
#92. There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
Doug Stanhope
#93. I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!
Doug Stanhope
#94. You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Doug Stanhope
#95. Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
#96. Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.
Doug Stanhope
#97. I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Doug Stanhope
#98. Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Doug Stanhope
#99. I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Doug Stanhope
#100. I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.
Doug Stanhope
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
