Top 100 Woody Allen Quotes
#2. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Woody Allen
#3. When one chooses to be a writer, psychologically there's a reason for that because you like the isolation and you like to be by yourself and you are by nature timid.
Woody Allen
#4. I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK)
Woody Allen
#5. Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
Woody Allen
#6. Well, if I don't get at least 16 hours, I'm a basket case.
Woody Allen
#7. I think [aging] has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again.
Woody Allen
#8. Life is full of moments that are good - winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner - but the whole thing is tragic. It's an oasis that is very pleasant.
Woody Allen
#9. How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works.
Woody Allen
#10. Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.
Woody Allen
#11. People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I've had the opposite feeling - that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer.
Woody Allen
#13. I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.
Woody Allen
#14. I always feel the cynicism is reality with maybe an alternate spelling or something because I feel that I have real perspective on this particular issue of punishment in society.
Woody Allen
#15. Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.
Woody Allen
#16. Our love, our love will last forever. It's forever but it just doesn't work. That's why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.
Woody Allen
#17. I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.
Woody Allen
#18. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
#19. Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again ... I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O'Neill were laughing.
Woody Allen
#20. How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
#21. You always think another time would have been ideal for you ... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.
Woody Allen
#22. I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Woody Allen
#23. If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Woody Allen
#24. How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?
Woody Allen
#25. There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
#26. My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign
Woody Allen
#27. If she were lying on a plate with a herring, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
Woody Allen
#28. Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
Woody Allen
#29. But it was I, yes I, who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
Woody Allen
#30. Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
Woody Allen
#31. Someday the lion is going to lie down with the lamb, but the lamb isn't going to get much sleep.
Woody Allen
#32. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen
#33. I see no advantages in aging whatsoever. You become shriveled. You become decrepit. You lose your faculties. Your peer group passes away. You sit in a room gumming your porridge. I don't see any advantage in this whatsoever.
Woody Allen
#34. Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen
#35. I was a smart kid and I was not understood by my parents.
Woody Allen
#36. Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as ... the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
Woody Allen
#37. My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
Woody Allen
#38. If I had my choice in life I would have had the gifts of Tennessee Williams or Eugene O'Neill. Unfortunately my gifts lie in comedy and so comedy comes fairly easy to me and I occasionally have an idea for a very serious piece and I do it, but the ideas don't come that readily to me.
Woody Allen
#39. Beautiful, funny, smart, sexual, and also neurotic? It's like filling an inside straight.
Woody Allen
#40. I don't like to meet the actor and have a lot of conferences and talk about their sub-life and their off-screen life and their back stories and all that nonsense, because it never means anything.
Woody Allen
#41. Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.
Woody Allen
#42. My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen
#43. I can do a limited amount of things and that's what I do and I feel comfortable doing it and I have no particular desire to do anything else as an actor.
Woody Allen
#44. When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
Woody Allen
#45. I wouldn't mind dying so much if it wasn't that I would be dead at the end of it.
Woody Allen
#46. I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present.
Woody Allen
#47. American films, it's a money-making industry. And in France, you can find great respect for cinema as art.
Woody Allen
#48. The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
Woody Allen
#50. The less I speak to the actors, the better. And I always hire great people, and I don't want to impose my pre-conceived notions on them. They know how to play it.
Woody Allen
#51. Ninety percent of life is just showing up.
Woody Allen
#52. If you aren't failing, you aren't trying.
Woody Allen
#53. The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind
a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Woody Allen
#54. If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen
#55. There's no correlation between what the public likes and what I'm after. I'm in a different world.
Woody Allen
#56. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen
#57. In Beverly Hills ... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen
#58. My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.
Woody Allen
#59. Regarding love what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
Woody Allen
#60. One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.
Woody Allen
#61. Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
Woody Allen
#62. Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
Woody Allen
#63. Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.
Woody Allen
#64. I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate ... eh ... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Woody Allen
#65. You're still in love' 'No I'm not, I'm not She'll always be a part of me, and she's an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn't working.' 'What element?' 'We never found out
Woody Allen
#66. Life is like a concentration camp ... you can't leave without dying.
Woody Allen
#67. Jazz is a big thing with me. It's a very big passion of mine, to play it. I'm an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I've loved it so much.
Woody Allen
#68. I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
Woody Allen
#69. Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
#70. I am told the settlement of $5 million I am being paid is the largest amount ever paid under the New York right to privacy law
Woody Allen
#71. Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body.
Woody Allen
#72. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen
#73. Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Woody Allen
#74. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen
#75. You make a film and always hope you're going make "Citizen Kane" or "The Bicycle Thief." You make the film, and for one reason or another, one clicks and one doesn't, but it's out of your control completely.
Woody Allen
#76. I can live in Paris for four months or London or, you know, Barcelona. These are places that are like New York. But I don't think I could live in many places. When I had to make a film in the United States I picked San Francisco because to me it's one of the great cities of America.
Woody Allen
#77. Humorists always sit at the children's table.
Woody Allen
#78. I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Woody Allen
#79. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen
#80. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen
#81. If you can delude yourself by believing that there is some kind of Santa Claus out there who is going to bail you out in the end, then it will help you get through. Even if you are proven wrong in the end, you would have had a better life [than a non-believer].
Woody Allen
#82. I don't get depressed; I grow a tumor instead.
Woody Allen
#83. My experience creatively is different than my experience in life, for, as my father would say, the simple reason that you can't get hurt when everything goes wrong creatively.
Woody Allen
#84. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen
#85. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen
#86. Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
Woody Allen
#87. Rather than live on in the hearts and minds of my fellow man, I would rather live on in my apartment.
Woody Allen
#88. Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.
Woody Allen
#89. Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.
Woody Allen
#90. I'm a big believer in supporting the action on film with the appropriate music. It covers a multitude of sins. It's gotten me out of a lot of jams, over the years. So, music for me is a very big thing in films and I use it unashamedly.
Woody Allen
#91. Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.
Woody Allen
#92. It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen
#93. I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want
Woody Allen
#94. The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term "demonstration." If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely "acting silly" or "behaving like an ass.
Woody Allen
#95. Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen
#96. The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
Woody Allen
#97. He's dreaming, Cloquet thought, as he stood over him, revolver in hand. He's dreaming, and I exist in reality. Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
Woody Allen
#98. If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.
Woody Allen
#99. I keep getting more and more ambitious. Over the years, to some degree, in some areas, I feel I've grown. In some areas, I made a fool of myself. In some areas, I think I can still do some funny things.
Woody Allen
#100. There's no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It's whatever seems right at the time.
Woody Allen
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