Stephen Colbert Famous Quotes & Sayings

Browse top 100 famous quotes and sayings by Stephen Colbert. Read & share Stephen Colbert quotes pictures with friends. Free using on Facebook, Twitter, blogs.

Top 100 Stephen Colbert Quotes

#1. The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1052655
#2. Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.' - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1306358
#3. Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1270667
#4. What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns? - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1270060
#5. Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1263262
#6. Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1262670
#7. And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1212141
#8. You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1140097
#9. Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1113836
#10. Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1108276
#11. Last night was Super Tuesday - a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1058566
#12. Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence ... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1056763
#13. You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1053421
#14. I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1343607
#15. Maybe he'll be different from who he was and always is. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1028860
#16. The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jon would be the new host of 'The Daily Show,' which back then was not called 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.' - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1002607
#17. Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #989760
#18. After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #980359
#19. As we all know, reality has a liberal bias. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #965894
#20. Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #937137
#21. I started as a straight actor. I'd go onstage, and I'd think, 'Wow, this is the only thing I want to work really hard at. I will rehearse fifty times on a single scene; I don't care - I'll do it again.' - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #903177
#22. To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #903115
#23. It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #882068
#24. Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #879899
#25. A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!? - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #857567
#26. Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1604950
#27. (on fox news) ... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1856599
#28. Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once? - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1841206
#29. The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1828245
#30. Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge ... or when I want to create some. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1813556
#31. It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1763391
#32. If there's a better book than this, I haven't written it. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1754206
#33. Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1753622
#34. The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1744766
#35. I don't actually believe that the present social norm is some sort of eternal truth. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1725454
#36. It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1683799
#37. They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1657643
#38. No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1609507
#39. If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #821776
#40. I'm very comfortable with uncomfortable situations, and I think that can seem odd to people, that I like the thrill of discomfort. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1594025
#41. I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1489014
#42. Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1481727
#43. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1459018
#44. I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1444503
#45. Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English? - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1388204
#46. In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1385560
#47. There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1379998
#48. I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1372397
#49. Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1371472
#50. If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children? - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #1367265
#51. Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'
Stephen Colbert - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #192802
#52. I love making observations. That one is a classic example. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #422564
#53. To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush ... I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough ... Somebody shoot me in the face. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #416419
#54. Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #399425
#55. An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #371563
#56. 'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #367747
#57. I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #360557
#58. This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #338727
#59. I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #260644
#60. I deliver my Truth hot and hard. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #259814
#61. Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #241903
#62. Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #230743
#63. (Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #203039
#64. With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #425100
#65. I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #179795
#66. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #161494
#67. Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #130595
#68. If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #130171
#69. Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #123569
#70. We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike ... We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #115037
#71. Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #113535
#72. Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #105457
#73. If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #80064
#74. Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #79673
#75. I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #30033
#76. Look, I've got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #649700
#77. If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #815533
#78. We are thrilled that Jon Batiste is joining 'The Late Show' family of products. For my money, nobody plays like Jon Batiste. And you can trust me, because it is my money. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #807695
#79. First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot ... and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #798446
#80. Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #772653
#81. Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #731659
#82. It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #717481
#83. The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #704103
#84. Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #685924
#85. I teach Sunday school, motherf*****. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #674100
#86. Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #668028
#87. Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #660250
#88. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #649823
#89. I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #18210
#90. When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #638043
#91. I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #563675
#92. Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #561851
#93. Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #537337
#94. Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them? - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #527653
#95. You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #499757
#96. I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #476713
#97. When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #464450
#98. There's a buzz to failing and not dying. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #445444
#99. The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #440742
#100. At every moment, we are volunteers. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert Quotes #430920

Famous Authors

Popular Topics