Top 72 Jesse Andrews Quotes
#1. When you convert a good book to a film. stupid things happen
Jesse Andrews
#2. She was now using a voice that women usually reserve for cats.
Jesse Andrews
#3. Earl and I actually didn't have much in common with each other, either, but we were the only ten-year-olds in Pittsburgh who liked Aguirre, the Wrath of God, and that counted for something. It actually counted for a lot.
Jesse Andrews
#4. Oh! Hello! I didn't see you there. My name is Darth Vader, and I'm the president of Evil Villains In favor of Leukemia, a.k.a. EVIL. Appearing in the lower left-hand corner: Evil Villains In favor of Leukemia
Jesse Andrews
#5. He is pacing back and forth humming the theme from Rent or maybe cats.
Jesse Andrews
#6. This book probably makes it seem like I hate myself and everything I do. But that's not totally true. I mostly just hate every person I've ever been. I'm actually fine with myself right now.
Jesse Andrews
#7. Have you ever noticed that people look like either rodents or birds? And you can classify them that way, like, I definitely have more of a rodent face, but you look like a penguin.
Jesse Andrews
#8. It is a universally acknowledged truth that high school sucked.
Jesse Andrews
#9. Liv! The perpetrator has probably not returned to the scene of the crime. Pee Diddy is long gone by now.
Jesse Andrews
#10. Having friends is how your life gets fucked up.
Jesse Andrews
#12. We used to be pretty good friends, but fourteen-year-old girls are psychotic.
Jesse Andrews
#13. You could have an eight-inch thick titanium diaper bolted to your pelvis, and you would still somehow get laid. It should be their official tourism slogan: Israel Where Virginity Goes to Die.
Jesse Andrews
#14. The point is that by seventh period, he's been exposed to four hours of grinding stupidity, and he wants to slit his wrists. For the first ten minutes of lunch, he shakes his head angrily at everything I say. Then eventually he snaps out of it.
Jesse Andrews
#15. Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
Jesse Andrews
#16. Basically, my point is not that you listen to people to learn anything listening. You're doing it to be nice and make them like you, because everyone likes to talk.
Jesse Andrews
#17. Usually it's when your guard is down that you find yourself saying the most dick sentences of your life.
Jesse Andrews
#18. It was time to ride the wave or drown in a sea of crazy.
Jesse Andrews
#19. There is no force on earth greater than the fear jocks have of homosexuals. None. It's like the Jewish fear of the Nazis, except the complete opposite with regard to who is beating the crap out of whom. So I guess it's more like the Nazi fear of the Jews.
Jesse Andrews
#20. Who else is there to lead the masses? The smart kids? Please. They have no interests in politics. They're hoping simply to attract as little attention as possible until high school is over. Then they can escape to some college where no one will mock them for knowing how an adverb works.
Jesse Andrews
#21. Q: Are you guys shooting a movie?
A: No. We're opening a mid-priced Italian restaurant.
Q: Huh?
A: Yes of course we're shooting a movie.
Q: What's the movie about?
A: It's a documentary about human stupidity.
Q: Can I be in your movie?
A: We'd be stupid not to put you in it.
Jesse Andrews
#22. The young nihilists," Dad called us.
"What are nihilists?"
"Nihilists believe that nothing has any meaning. They believe in nothing."
"Yeah," said Earl. "I'm a nihilist.
"Me, too," I said.
"Good for you," Dad said, grinning. Then he stopped grinning and said, "Don't tell your mom.
Jesse Andrews
#23. Greg: Scott, great horde.
My realization was that I could never *actually* live a life where I had to be constantly doing things like praising a dude's horde.
So that made me feel better about myself.
Jesse Andrews
#24. You cats mind if I make it a trio?' he asked me, and it was not a huge surprise that a dude of his appearance was speaking in Jazz Voice.
Jesse Andrews
#25. Are you done eating that?"
"What?"
"You shouldn't finish that, Dad's gonna want some."
"The hell he will."
"He will."
"It's so nasty. Son, it's so nasty."
"Then why are you finishing it?"
"Taking a bullet.
Jesse Andrews
#26. The most beautiful thing about you is that you're not a sock puppet.
Jesse Andrews
#27. Mitzvah" is Hebrew for "colossal pain in the ass.
Jesse Andrews
#28. It's just never a good idea to compliment a girl's boobs. [ ... ] "You have nice boobs." Bad. "You have two nice boobs." Worse. "Two boobs? Perfect." F minus.
Jesse Andrews
#30. I might accidentally become like a hermit or a terrorist or something.
Jesse Andrews
#31. Bon Iver: Way too emotionally high stakes for casual listening in the sense that it makes every single part of your life feel like the part of a TV show where you are in a hospital saying goodbye for the very last time
Jesse Andrews
#32. He was was especially excited about Aguirre, the Wrath of God. 'Look at this crazy dude,' he yelled, pointing at Klaus Kinski, who on the cover is wearing a Viking helmet and looks like a psychopath.
Jesse Andrews
#33. Theory: People always get fired up when an unattractive girl an unattractive dude are dating each other.
Jesse Andrews
#35. Urrrrnngh.
What is that noise.
Regretful polar bear.
Jesse Andrews
#36. No one seemed to know how my broken arm got infected. Pretty quickly I stopped asking questions about it. I was worried I would find out that there were other basic medical facts that nurses didn't know; like where skin comes from, or how surgery works.
Jesse Andrews
#37. Inevitably, however, a dude approached us. He was white. Jazz camp was mostly white dudes. This dude was clutching a gold-embossed tenor sax case, and on his head was a fedora with two different eagle feathers in it.
Jesse Andrews
#38. Cat Stevens is also the only other member of the family who enjoys eating the meats that Dad brings home from the Strip, although sometimes he expresses his enjoyment by barfing.
Jesse Andrews
#39. I entered Excessive Modesty Mode. Nothing is stupider and more ineffective than Excessive Modesty Mode. It is a mode in which you show that you're modest by arguing with someone who is trying to compliment you. Essentially, you are going out of your way to try to convince someone that you're a jerk.
Jesse Andrews
#40. Let's face it: Most girls are annoying. I mean, most humans are annoying, so it's not specific to girls. Also, I don't really mean "annoying." I guess I mean that most humans like to try to fuck up your plans.
Jesse Andrews
#41. There was just something about her dying that I had understood but not really understood, if you know what I mean. I mean, you can know someone is dying on an intellectual level, but emotionally it hasn't really hit you, and then when it does, that's when you feel like shit.
Jesse Andrews
#42. No, you don't have to live inside my head. For every, just, insanely stupid thing I do or say, there are like fifty even worse ones that I just barely avoid doing or saying, just out of dumb luck.
Jesse Andrews
#43. She's fourteen, which means that any kind of normal interaction with her is doomed to failure. We used to be pretty good friends, but fourteen-year-old girls are psychotic. Her main interests are yelling at Mom and not eating whatever is for dinner.
Jesse Andrews
#44. But the hardest is watching your son watching his friend die.
Jesse Andrews
#45. But you gotta live your own life. You gotta take care a your own shit before you get started doing things for errybody else.
Jesse Andrews
#46. I think I might have a disorder where your emotions frequently malfunction and a lot of the time you're sitting there feeling something inappropriate. It should be called Emotional Moron Disorder
Jesse Andrews
#47. There are two kinds of hot girls: Evil Hot Girls, and Hot Girls Who Are Also Sympathetic Good-Hearted People and Will Not Intentionally Destroy Your Life (HGWAASGHPAWNIDYL).
Jesse Andrews
#48. I am the Thomas Edison of conversational stupidity.
Jesse Andrews
#49. The plot of the movie seemed stupid to them: Aguirre and everyone were searching for a city that it said right at the beginning did not exist. They didn't understand that that was the whole point. They didn't get that it was awesome because it was so insanely meaningless.
Jesse Andrews
#50. The theater kids? My God, it would be a bloody massacre. They would be found beaten to death with their own dog-eared The Wiz songbooks.
Jesse Andrews
#51. One thing I've learned about people is that the easiest way to get them to like you is to shut up and let them do the talking.
Jesse Andrews
#52. If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.
Jesse Andrews
#53. I don't want to sound condescending, so I'm not going to say anything else, except that it is literally impossible to imagine a thing dumber than sports.
Jesse Andrews
#54. Mom has never allowed video games in the house, except for the educational kind, like Math Blaster, and that wasn't so much to teach us that video games sucked.
Jesse Andrews
#55. The balance of power had shifted in ways that none of us yet understood. There was tension in the air. It was a moment of great opportunity, and greater danger.
Jesse Andrews
#56. Basically, being a senior means that when people throw things at your teeth, it's accidental. In other words, being a senior is awesome.
Jesse Andrews
#57. I said, in my new loud middle-aged-Jewish-woman voice.
Jesse Andrews
#58. Also, she does this thing women sometimes do with their eyebrows where they just completely shave them off and draw news ones in a different weird place with a Sharpie or something, and the more you think about it, the more your stomach starts churning around and you want to claw your own head.
Jesse Andrews
#60. oaky sounds grea8~! but can i bring frined earl hes cool ul'l liek him ???/
Jesse Andrews
#61. You can pretty much take any sentence in this book and if you read it enough times, you will probably end up committing a homocide
Jesse Andrews
#62. Mom was asking me to resume a friendship that had no honest foundation and ended on screamingly awkward terms. How do you do that? You can't.
Jesse Andrews
#63. I realize that I probably seem obsessed with food and animals. That's because they're the two strangest things in the entire world. Just sit in a room and think about them. Actually, don't, because you might have a panic attack.) So
Jesse Andrews
#64. Well, Greg, I think that it just means that even after somebody dies, you can... you can still keep learning about them, you know, their life. It can keep unfolding itself to you just as long... just as long as you pay attention to it.
Jesse Andrews
#65. Even after somebody dies, you can still keep learning about them
Jesse Andrews
#66. Look, I was an idiot. I didn't want people to think that I had a crush, so I decided to give everyone the impression that I truly, honestly hated Madison Harter. For no reason. Just thinking about this makes me want to punch myself in the eyeball.
Jesse Andrews
#67. Just because something is weird and hard to understand doesn't mean it's creative.
Jesse Andrews
#68. This book probably makes it seem as if I hate myself and everything I do. I mostly just hate every person I've ever *been*
- Greg Gaines (CHARACTER), Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Jesse Andrews
#69. I ain't eatin out in no Lawrenceville," said Earl with disdain
Jesse Andrews
#70. It's like when a kitten tries to bite something to death. The kitten clearly has the cold-blooded murderous instinct of a predator, but at the same time, it's this cute little kitten, and all you want to do is stuff it in a shoebox and shoot a video of it for grandmas to watch on YouTube.
Jesse Andrews
#71. I just realized that you may not know what 'fin' means. It is a filmmaking term. Specifically, it is French for 'This movie is over, which is good, because it probably confused the hell out of you, because it was made by French people.
Jesse Andrews
#72. But a movie doesn't have to be good if it has Hugh Jackman.
Jesse Andrews
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top