Top 100 Kevin Hearne Quotes
#1. Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy.
Kevin Hearne
#2. But now that she was my apprentice, every such thought caused a guilty twitch in my neck, as if someone had dropped a sleek, stinky ferret there. Guilt ferrets are bastards.
Kevin Hearne
#4. When in doubt, know your way out, I always say."
"I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'"
"Well, yeah, that too."
Oberon said.
Kevin Hearne
#5. Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk.
Kevin Hearne
#6. Wow you need to get some sun."
"Shut up. I'm Irish.
Kevin Hearne
#7. Douglas Adams was right: There is nothing so massively useful in the universe as a towel.
Kevin Hearne
#8. Wooo!' he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. 'That's good stuff.'
I agreed heartily. 'Shall we do another one?' I asked.
'Oh no,' Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. 'This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do?
Kevin Hearne
#9. The point is, Mrs. MacDonagh, that the universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility.
Kevin Hearne
#10. On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a Freddy
Krueger.
Granuaile MacTiernan
Kevin Hearne
#11. It shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-Cheese Mocha!>
Kevin Hearne
#12. I'm not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes.
Kevin Hearne
#13. You can be told that reading Victor Hugo will sap your will to live, but you can't understand what that means until you've read a few chapters and your eyes have glazed over and someone has to revive you with a defibrillator. Sophie and the six crewmen might have understood
Kevin Hearne
#14. The mad fucker just laughed that insane laugh and pulled his sword out of his ass. Zeus, now afflicted with acute pietism, gasped and asked him to do that again. Jupiter slapped him to to the ground, and yelled for him to get his priorities in order.
Kevin Hearne
#15. The future is a many-forked path," she said, "and only you can choose which one to follow." "I know that. What I don't know is what waits at the end of those paths." "Victory or death. Choose well.
Kevin Hearne
#16. Underneath their human guises, they looked like the typical faery - that is, no wings, scantily clad and kind of man-pretty like Orlando Bloom's Legolas ...
Kevin Hearne
#17. I could only strive to live so that my merit outweighed my discredit.
Kevin Hearne
#18. Archdruid used to say. "Get out of the way, get underneath some shelter, or give it some reason to change its mind about falling on you." Then he threw a pissed-off rooster at me. I had
Kevin Hearne
#19. landed on my chest and stuck its proboscis
Kevin Hearne
#20. Not everyone can be bribed with meat, Oberon."
"They Can't? Oh! you mean they're vegetarian."
"No, they eat meat. It just doesn't sway their decision making process."
"Well that ... that's just wrong, Atticus!Are they Monsters? It's like they have no moral center!
Kevin Hearne
#21. No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet."
"Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally."
"I do beg your pardon. Let's literally throw up, but figuratively throw down.
Kevin Hearne
#22. Silly cop, I don't need your help; I have a werewolf on retainer.
Kevin Hearne
#23. I didn't respond, because naked people never win arguments.
Kevin Hearne
#24. You're going to need a dann big can of big spray! Or maybe a rocket-propelled grenade. I have one in the garage, you want it?
Kevin Hearne
#25. didn't deserve that kind of trauma. He was so tiny.
Kevin Hearne
#26. Atticus, I think we're being stalked by the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock. First it was a Vulture adn now two giant ravens are coming our way. Oberon
Kevin Hearne
#27. My neighbor raised a shaking index finger to point at the saguaro. "That moving cactus ... and the big bug ... and you, you spooky bastard. What are you?
I stuffed my hands in my pockets and grinned winningly at him. "Why, I'm the Antichrist, of course.
Kevin Hearne
#28. So after I killed him and stowed his body next to the doe, I sampled his smoothie concoction in the parking lot and found it to be quite delicious.
Kevin Hearne
#29. Malina looked incredulous. "Are you anything more than a Druid?"
"Of course I am. I own this shop and I play a mean game of chess, and I've been told that I'm a frakkin' Cylon."
"What's a frakkin' Cylon?"
"I don't know, but it sounds really scary when you say it with a Polish Accent.
Kevin Hearne
#30. All the earth wants ye to do is thrive, and ye feel that love whenever ye contact an elemental.
Kevin Hearne
#31. There ye go again," my archdruid said. "Using your colon instead of yer brain. Ye believe yer thinkin' because yer workin' hard, but all yer doin' is squeezin' out shit.
Kevin Hearne
#32. I beamed at him. "You're my favorite sea god, you know." "Aw, get your nose out of me arse. Just make life interestin' as ye promised.
Kevin Hearne
#33. Gaia has left us wonder wherever we go, if we only open our eyes to it." ~ Atticus
Kevin Hearne
#34. Cry hamhock and let slip the hogs of war!
- Oberon
Kevin Hearne
#35. I wanted to say, "I'm the Doctor and this is my companion," but I doubted Sophie was a fan of the long-running BBC series. Forget the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver, the Doctor's best gadget was the psychic paper. I can't tell you how many times I wished I had some.
Kevin Hearne
#36. Where are we going?
I don't know yet.
Anyplace is good, so long as there's sausage and bitches.
Kevin Hearne
#37. It is the whip that clerics use on the laity, making the sheep slaves to whatever moral code the shepherds espouse. It is a catalyst for suicide and untold other acts of selfishness and stupidity.
Kevin Hearne
#38. Are you going to kick somebody's ass?
I don't know. Maybe.
Well, I'm not going to worry. I've watched you spar with that martial arts dummy in the backyard lots of times, and you always win.
Thanks, buddy. I'll see you soon.
Kevin Hearne
#39. Do you think I'm some sort of sex-starved loser?" "Well, you are American." "What!" Great festering tapir tits, that was a stupid thing to say.
Kevin Hearne
#40. Better to ask forgiveness than permission and to answer their shenanigans with even better shenanigans.
Kevin Hearne
#41. When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?
Kevin Hearne
#42. The garden of sarcasm is watered with impatience, and mine chose that moment to bloom.
Kevin Hearne
#43. Don't hate the Meat Lord, Atticus. Just offer him steak sauce and words of praise.
Kevin Hearne
#44. I think every creature near enough to hear that just pooped" Oberon said, "And then it went into hiding. Hunting tip number one:Stay Silent.
Kevin Hearne
#45. Its dead eyes were fixed on me and I'm sure it had no trouble locating me by sound, because I was hollering incoherently in an attempt to die angry at maximum volume.
Kevin Hearne
#46. but underneath that lurked horrors, like a syphilitic dick hidden under a blanket.
Kevin Hearne
#47. Dude is that was a Shakespeare quote duel, he just kicked your ass. Oberon
I know, but I slipped in some T.S.Eliot and he didn't even catch it. Hopefully next time I wont be recovering from an assassination attempt, and then I'll do better. - Atticus
Kevin Hearne
#48. I have salted my hatred and cured it, stored it in a dark cellar of my mind against the day when I could let it be my only nourishment. The day is finally come, and I will tear into this meat and savor its taste.
Kevin Hearne
#49. But there was no going back to that idyllic time when only one god wanted to kill me.
Kevin Hearne
#50. No one takes you seriously when you're naked.
Kevin Hearne
#51. When a soul turns as black as Black World, these old spirits find them a comfortin' touch of home, and if they're called to move in, they will. That's what a skinwalker is: a mean asshole with a meaner spirit squatting inside. Oberon said.
Kevin Hearne
#52. Technology is always perfectly dependable until it isn't.
Kevin Hearne
#54. It's only a slight modification of causality.
Kevin Hearne
#55. Trees are always the cure for your modern bollocks.
Kevin Hearne
#56. Since I've become a Druid, I've seen some pretty weird shit, Atticus," Granuaile said, "but Beardy Baggins there squaring off against Squid Head McGee in the snow might be the weirdest.
Kevin Hearne
#57. At this point we hated each other as much as it was possible for two Irishmen to do-and that's quite a bit.
Kevin Hearne
#58. Pardon me, is this some kind of social experiment? You want me to get a hundred and forty-four Samoans and cram them into your cabin with a case of whiskey?
Kevin Hearne
#59. Sexual repression is conduct unbecoming a Celt." I shrugged. "Better that than having to deal with guilt ferrets.
Kevin Hearne
#60. I hope that if I ever travel two thousand years into the future, there will still be bacon.
Kevin Hearne
#62. You ever notice the rampant child neglect going on in faery tales" ~ Oberon
Kevin Hearne
#63. Lie down and offer your throat. No, wait, that's how dogs submit. I know! Offer her you're wallet! Oberon
Kevin Hearne
#64. You know how people are always threatenin' to shove this or that up someone's ass, but they never really do it? Well, now there's a new story gonna be told 'round the fire: 'How Coyote Shoved An Arrow Up A Fallen Angel's Ass.
Kevin Hearne
#65. Are you telling me you're lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire?
Kevin Hearne
#66. I am the bringer of beef and the singer of sweet suppertime! Mine is the chicken and the gravy forever, nom nom!
Kevin Hearne
#68. Monty Python is like catnip for nerds. Once you get them started quoting it, they are constitutionally incapable of feeling depressed.
Kevin Hearne
#69. The sun cannot shine as bright without a proper darkness to counter it.
The world had gone a bit gray.
Kevin Hearne
#70. I find the college children delightful. I would like to have a drink with them too." "No, Leif, you want to drink of them, and they can sense that subconsciously because you radiate this predatory aura.
Kevin Hearne
#71. Gods blast it, I was asking ye where you shite in the city, not where I should do it!
Kevin Hearne
#72. You mean nonhuman. Inhuman is an adjective, I said, as I rose from the lawn and padded softly around the left side of the house to the backyard.
Kevin Hearne
#73. You will respect my authori-tah!' Oberon said, in a passable imitation of Eric Cartman. I reminded him that I needed to concentrate. Sometimes dogs forget; they just get too excited.
Kevin Hearne
#74. Normally I laugh at such things, because there is nothing like a fart to lighten up a tense situation.
Kevin Hearne
#75. Vader deactivated his lightsaber, picked up the comm, opened the channel, and let the sound of his respirator carry over the connection.
Kevin Hearne
#76. wooden plaque hangs from a nail, reading THE MASTER IS OUT, and I shake my head and flip it around. The other side also says THE MASTER IS OUT.
Kevin Hearne
#77. Gods can screw anything and anybody. For reference, see history.
Atticus O'Sullivan
Kevin Hearne
#78. Helgarson won't tell me, but it must have been bad. His fangs pop out if you just say 'Thor' aloud, and he hunts carpenters simply because they use hammers.
Kevin Hearne
#79. Atticus:I found it difficult not to grin like a geek at a Trekkie convention.
Kevin Hearne
#80. I hoped you would consider it seriously instead of laughing at it.'
'Mr. Chamkanni said much the same thing in bed the first night home from the
hospital
Kevin Hearne
#81. you can't unchoose anyone's choices, least of all your own. All you can do with your past is try to grow out of it. Darren
Kevin Hearne
#82. It's not polite to ask if a man has a big salami in his pants, okay?
Kevin Hearne
#83. Do Angels have assholes?
Atticus O'Sullivan - Hexed
Kevin Hearne
#84. Atticus: You hear that? The nice blonde in her thirties is actually over 140 years old. :
Oberon: She must use that Oil of Olay stuff. I wonder if it would get rid of the wrinkles on a shar-pei?
Kevin Hearne
#85. Huh ... guess they didn't want a cracker after all. Another myth BUSTED
Kevin Hearne
#86. Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass.
Kevin Hearne
#87. How can I be assured the apple you bring me is Idunn's?
Well, it'll be golden, for one thing, and after you take a bite of it you should feel pretty fucking good.
Kevin Hearne
#88. I don't speak Otter, ya dumbass. What are ya waitin' for? Get over here so we can get back to the rez. Unless I'm talkin' to a real otter, in which case I'm the dumbass and you can just stay over there. I
Kevin Hearne
#89. Betrayal always comes wrapped up in a friendly cloak. It's one of the first things I learned in the Senate.
Kevin Hearne
#90. Side effects from doggie joy may include face lube and leg-humping" ~ Oberon
Kevin Hearne
#91. The Celtic ideal for clothing was that it had to be easy to move in if you needed to fight and easy to take off if you wanted a quickie.
Kevin Hearne
#92. Atticus, ixnay issingpay off the oppercay.
Kevin Hearne
#93. The royal hound's belly demands rubbing. Step lively, humans, neglect me not."
~Oberon
Kevin Hearne
#94. Hence the reason I encourage you to believe what you wish. The heaven of teh Pastafarians is supposed to have beer volcanoes, which sounds like a fantastic idea to me. Imagine eruptions of a mellow chocolaty stout. There might be all-you-can-eat hot wings."~Atticus
Kevin Hearne
#95. Well o' course she's feelin' dandy! She's the mother o' God for the love o' Pete!
Kevin Hearne
#96. You don't need to say any special incantation or sacrifice a stray cat or something first?
Kevin Hearne
#97. So in a sense it's we with faith who create gods, not the gods who create us. And, if that's the case, then it's we who created the universe.
Kevin Hearne
#98. You should learn Polish and read Szymborska!
Kevin Hearne
#99. They may have been victims at one time, but what you have to focus on is what they are now.
Kevin Hearne
#100. The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.
Kevin Hearne
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