Humor But Not Humor Quotes

#1. I smile quietly. She is with me all the time. I feel stupid now, for not seeing it sooner. But hey, at least we'll have this strange story to tell, love and death and blood and daddy-issues. And holy crap, I am a psychiatrist's wet dream.- Cas Lowood, Anna Dressed in Blood

Kendare Blake

#2. I may not always walk the straight and narrow, but I sure in hell try to cross it as often as I can.

J. Golden Kimball

#3. Things will happen that you can't prevent, things will fall apart that you can't hold together, but ultimately you're shaping yourself and that final product speaks volumes about who you really are, not what people see you as or what you want to be.

Erik Tomblin

#4. Humor is very interesting to me. My films are not comedies, but there's comedy in them from time to time, absurdities, just like in real life.

David Lynch

#5. We need to have mentoring programs energized by government, paid for by government, but who exist not because of government. Teen Challenge is a way to get people off drugs and alcohol. Teen Challenge is a faith-based program that changes people's hearts.

George W. Bush

#6. In other words, he looked like uniformed police hotness, and she wasn't entirely uninterested in being cuffed. Wait. That's a bad thought. I don't mean it. She took him in again, her throat suddenly dry. Well, she didn't exactly not mean it, but she knew better than to want it.

Cindi Madsen

#7. But children are our future!' Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don't understand why we're helping them. You don't see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.

Stephen Colbert

#8. Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person.

Mark Twain

#9. I was tempted to tell her it was because we were British and actually had a sense of humour, but I try not to be cruel to foreigners, especially when they're that strung out.

Ben Aaronovitch

#10. THERE ARE SOME MEN who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joseph Morelli did this to me - not forever, but periodically.

Janet Evanovich

#11. Some girl named Eva has him convinced that you put out after one beer."
"What?" My voice was as shrill as the ringing tardy bell
"I personally don't believe it" he went on blithely, "and I have a Porsche. Not as much leg room as a Beamer, but so much hotter, I'm told.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

#12. It was pretty miserable wretches that minded at all whether they were wet or dry. He could not understand why such people had been born. "It's nothing but damned eccentricity to want to be dry" he would say. "I've been wet more than half my life and never been a whit the worse for it.

Halldor Laxness

#13. I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.

Jen Lancaster

#14. Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.

Lily Tomlin

#15. Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over 100 digits you have to tell the CIA and they buy it off you for $10,000. But it would not be a very good way of making a living.

Mark Haddon

#16. I nod"Maybe.But I'm pretty sure mom won't consent to a field trip across the country with my hot boyfriend.Especially not back to Florida."I clamp my mouth shut so fast my teeth should be chipped. He grins."You think I'm hot?"
"my mom thinks you are." Except, mom's not the one blushing right now.

Anna Banks

#17. It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.

Helen Fielding

#18. Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out.

Paul Murray

#19. Indeed," Fowler answered. He turned and looked at Tony critically. "I say, old man, but you're not much older than that German kid."
Yeah," Tony grinned. "But I'm from Texas and meaner than a junkyard bulldog. Makes a difference, you know.

Robert L. Wise

#20. We are all going to die soon. Do you really wish to waste time being angry at me?"
"Yes. I remain an unrepentant optimist. If i see that I am about to die, or you, I will forgive you. But not until then, you bastard.

Sherry Thomas

#21. I use a lot of humor, and I follow the saying that if you want to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh first, otherwise, they will shoot you. So I can tell you a joke and maybe you will laugh at the beginning. But it's not about telling jokes.

Sayed Kashua

#22. The Senate needs to leave enough money in the proposed budget to not only reduce all marginal rates, but to eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race.

George W. Bush

#23. I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Bob Monkhouse

#24. How else would you be able to talk, kitten-cat, if you were not thinking, hmmm?' said George to his charge.
But it was Francois ... who answered:
... 'Ah oui ... but there are a lot of two-legs [people] who do not think very much at all but who always seem to do most of the talking.' (p124)

Jem Vanston

#25. The pants come down. Most look shamefaced, but tha Arthur McBride is not the least bit shy about showing off his equipment, oh no, he isn't. He grins in my direction. 'Not all that impressive, boyo

L.A. Meyer

#26. He does not see as i have that you have given him your heart, but he is male. We will cut him some slack for that handicap, yes?

Katie MacAlister

#27. The rush of adrenaline helped. Not a lot. I still needed a caffeine fix, but at least I was awake enough to realize I quite possibly had my underwear on inside out. Something didn't feel right down yonder.

Darynda Jones

#28. I am not sure I trust you."
"You can trust me with your life, My King."
"But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.

Megan Whalen Turner

#29. The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

Mark Twain

#30. Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me.

Zora Neale Hurston

#31. Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it.

Jim Gaffigan

#32. I hired you for your attitude, and so far I'm pretty happy with my decision. But I'm not sure I can work with you until I've fucked this attraction out of my system.

J.C. Reed

#33. Our bodies are always exposed to Satan. The maladies I suffer are not natural, but Devil's spells.

Martin Luther

#34. I stepped forward. Call me old-fashioned, but I wanted to keep his focus on me and not Annabeth. I think it's polite for a guy to protect his girlfriend from instant incineration.

Rick Riordan

#35. The function of abundance is not to possess things but to use them and gather experiences.

Stuart Wilde

#36. Every day may not be sweet. But thereis something sweet in every day.

Queenie Law

#37. I had a dream about you last night... we tried to joke but neither could make any sense. We realized that puns are present in every language, though not shared by any of them.

Marshall Ramsay

#38. Jane Austen may not be the best writer, but she certainly writes about the best people. And by that I mean people just like me.

Anna Quindlen

#39. The Language of Sand has something for everyone: myths, mystery, community, humor, grief, and ultimately healing. I found myself not only rooting for Abigail but for the whole community of Chapel Isle. Block manages to hold sass and heartfelt emotion in perfect equilibrium.

Brunonia Barry

#40. There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Noel Fielding

#41. Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it.

Mark Russell

#42. To this day, I've found that it doesn't matter what a guy looks like if he's really funny. His sense of humor makes him attractive. On the other hand, you don't hear men saying, 'No she's not pretty, but is she ever funny!'

Catherine O'Hara

#43. Dead yet?" Gus answered.
I smirked. "Not yet, but the night's still young."
"Here's hoping.

Jessica Shirvington

#44. Life before toilet paper was not worth living.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#45. Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.

Norm MacDonald

#46. At least if I
was picking guys up in fits of drunken idiocy, they were not only handsome, but also even mildly clever.

C.E. Murphy

#47. I may not remember my name or what country I live in, but you and that pie is something I will never forget.

Kathryn Stockett

#48. Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. I'm not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.

Mark A. Cooper

#49. I have no idea what the song is about, but at least it does not sound like furniture falling down stairs

Shehan Karunatilaka

#50. Come, come," I said. "You may be a lord someday, but you aren't one yet. No need for the courtly manners, and certainly not the moody temper. If you're to be my escort tonight, I insist you be a cheery one. You can even insult me if you like. It always makes you feel better.

Julie Berry

#51. Many sweat to reconcile St Paul and St James, but in vain. 'Faith justifies' and 'faith does not justify' contradict each other flatly. If any one can harmonize them I will give him my doctor's hood and let him call me a fool.

Martin Luther

#52. Well, boo, how does bacon sound?"
"Bacon sounds great, but you can't call me boo."
"Why not?"
"Because you're not a rapper, and I'm not your shorty.

R.K. Lilley

#53. Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones. - It is not fair. - He has fame and profit enough as a poet, and should not be taking the bread out of other people's mouths. - I do not like him, and do not mean to like Waverley if I can help it - but fear I must.

Jane Austen

#54. Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine.

Gena Showalter

#55. A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Mark Twain

#56. Where is Polonius?
HAMLET
In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby.

William Shakespeare

#57. I'm not sure if there's one right place I'm supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I'd give a second try in a heartbeat.

Brian Andreas

#58. The malicious humor of men, though perverse and refractory, is not so savage and invincible but it may be wrought upon by kindness, and altered by repeated obligations.

Plutarch

#59. The practice of thrift is not outdated. We must discipline ourselves to live within our incomes even if it means going without or making do. The wise person can distinguish ... between basic needs and extravagant wants. Some find budgeting extremely painful, but I promise you, it is never fatal.

Marvin J. Ashton

#60. [ ... ] and unfortunately most women did not seem to have the same urges. Or if they did, they wouldn't admit it. They probably didn't, anyway. But if they did they wouldn't admit it.

Helen DeWitt

#61. Continue to love each other, something I discover is not an automatic state but must be worked at, like an ever-changing tactical problem, though I would never describe it that way to my beloved

Garth Nix

#62. If looks could kill ... well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.
"See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.

Molly Harper

#63. The question is not how to survive, but how to thrive with passion, compassion, humor and style.

Maya Angelou

#64. I am a Christian, you know, Julia.'
So am I. But I'm not above staying out of jail any way I can.

Ann B. Ross

#65. I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.

Mitch Hedberg

#66. There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, things man is too dumb to figure out, but that's a different problem.

Michael Kurland

#67. Your sense of humor is not for everyone, but I have to say it's growing on me. Like an out-of-control fungus.

Shelly Laurenston

#68. You wear your armor even to dinner, Lady Wilhelmina?"
"Of course I wear armor. I am sitting with a pirate, a mercenary, an adventurer, and a bounder. If a shot is not fired tonight, I daresay that your reputations are nothing but lies.

Meljean Brook

#69. Thin Burning Light Gun
If the car found life, it could try to use this gun to learn about it, but the life might not be alive when it was done.

Randall Munroe

#70. Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either.

Jerry Coleman

#71. Jimmy Finn was not burned in the calaboose, but died a natural death in a tan vat, of a combination of delirium tremens and spontaneous combustion. When I say natural death, I mean it was a natural death for Jimmy Finn.

Mark Twain

#72. Grampie's boat was a little double-ender, a model not built nowadays. She was narrow, so that she pitched and rolled something wicked in almost any sea. He could handle her, but he said she was probably the boat Christ got out of and walked away from on the water.

Ruth Moore

#73. I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

George Carlin

#74. Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.

Lauren Oliver

#75. It may not seem like much, but grand theft auto is still a pretty serious offense.

Elle Todd

#76. 'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.'

Kim Fielding

#77. Smitty leaned forward, resting his arms on this raised knees. "I am fixin' to get mad, Jessie.
"You're fixin' to get mad?"
"Yeah."
"Why don't you just get mad?"
"I'm not there yet. But I will be if you don't start talking to me."
Smitty to Jessie Ann

Shelly Laurenston

#78. I poured some coffee into a mug that read: "I'm not gay, but my ex-boyfriend is," compliments of Peyton

Sandi Lynn

#79. Note to goyim readers: not every Jew who grew up in Brooklyn was rich. And as long as I'm on it, here's another note: fuck you. That's all. Whether or not you assumed we were rich, if you're a goyim, fuck you. But keep reading, and tell your friends to buy the book.

Gilbert Gottfried

#80. Something but not nothing because nothing is an infinite possibility.

Kyle Kipple

#81. Hens embarrass me; owls disturb me; if I am with an eagle I always pretend that I am not with an eagle; and so on down to swallows at twilight who scare the hell out of me. But pigeons have absolutely no effect on me.

James Thurber

#82. She swept away, putting an extra kink into her walk. I would not have thought that a woman with an ass that bony could make it wiggle so much but she proved me wrong.

Ilona Andrews

#83. When I started, I wanted to be thought of as tortured and seductive, not funny, but humor tends to be a reflexive part of a person's sensibility. It's an almost impossible thing to teach anyone, which leads me to believe that it's intuitive.

Mark Leyner

#84. I've seen a baby born. And, ahem, I know what made it. But I'm not telling, you'd never believe me.

N.D. Wilson

#85. Adam was but human - this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Mark Twain

#86. A lot of people don't get my humor. My mom calls it dry humor. I think that means "not funny," but it also means I'm the only one who ever knows it's a joke.

Kasie West

#87. I'm not going to do that."
"of course you're not." Jace said. "because you live to torture me, don't you?"
"Not everything, Jace, is about you." Clary said furiously.
"Possibly," Jace said "But you have to admit that the majority of the things are.

Cassandra Clare

#88. I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me.

Greg Kinnear

#89. Acheron: You're really not right, are you?
Nick: Yeah. I know. It was all the paint chips I ate as a kid. They were good, but chromosomally damaging

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#90. There is a fascination here that holds rich and poor, strong and weak captive,not with chains and fetters but by an almost touchable solace ...

Barbara Woodall

#91. I can follow pretty much every programming language out there, I can make a two-hundred-year-old diary out of some really nasty ingredients, I can even make sense out of the instruction booklets that come with IKEA furniture, but I can*not* make heads or tails of this nonsense right here.

Keith R.A. DeCandido

#92. Nick can do a pretty good nice, but it's not the real deal. His is a thin, watery nice, a niceness-au-jus drizzled over a great big asshole sandwich.

Melissa DeCarlo

#93. This is me.'" He handed her the precious scrap of paper. 'Call me or I'll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it's not a competition. You don't lose if you phone first.

David Nicholls

#94. In sitcoms, the women are so beautiful, understanding and well-bred. They have humor, but sort of display it with a twinkle of the eye and not a guffaw. But there's no juice in that for me.

Bea Arthur

#95. Not at all," said Dorothea, with the most open kindness. "I like you very much."
Will was not quite contented, thinking that he would apparently have been of more importance if he had been disliked. He said nothing, but looked dull, not to say sulky.

George Eliot

#96. The devil is not, indeed, perfectly humorous, but that is only because he is the extreme of all humor.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

#97. My dream is to be Endora in Bewitched. That's the part I want to do. I want to do a fabulous old woman. I want to be Maggie Smith someday. Not exactly like her, but that genre. I like that kind of humor - sophisticated, vain stuff.

Jackee Harry

#98. Tarryton did so, but not before saying, "I wouldn't be surprised if Billington came up to scratch on this gel."
"Billington, Farnsworth, and a few others," Alex said with his most affable smile.
"Ashbourne?" Dunford's voice was colder than ice.
"Dunford?"
"Shut up.

Julia Quinn

#99. Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride.

Cassandra Clare

#100. Give me chastity and constancy, but not yet." St. Augustine. "Amen" Odette

Marie Clair