Kathy Griffin Quotes & Sayings

#1. Oh, I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. But that's just part of the deal. I'm not really sure what's going to come out of my mouth.

Kathy Griffin

#2. When I see you, I smile. When I touch you, I feel you. When I kiss you, I love you!

Kathy Griffin

#3. Always and Forever is a Grandmothers love

Kathy Griffin

#4. That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it.

Kathy Griffin

#5. To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I've never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They're really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible?

Kathy Griffin

#6. I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.

Kathy Griffin

#7. I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly.

Kathy Griffin

#8. I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.

Kathy Griffin

#9. Mom's a hypochondriac, too, so the best part was that every week she would get the disease that the medical shows were dramatizing. I'll never forget, they did an episode on sickle cell anemia, which as far as I know, is almost exclusively an African-American affliction.

Kathy Griffin

#10. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!

Kathy Griffin

#11. It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!

Kathy Griffin

#12. No one teaches you how to do this. How do you let go of someone who you love so much?

Kathy Griffin

#13. I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R.

Kathy Griffin

#14. I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a singer ... the way Courtney Love is a singer.

Kathy Griffin

#15. The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.

Kathy Griffin

#16. Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.

Kathy Griffin

#17. I love to work. I love doing standup.

Kathy Griffin

#18. If there is a gay army, I am their warrior princess.

Kathy Griffin

#19. That's life when you're on the D-list.

Kathy Griffin

#20. If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.

Kathy Griffin

#21. I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great.

Kathy Griffin

#22. I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound.

Kathy Griffin

#23. I was raised right - I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

Kathy Griffin

#24. I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone ... it's a joke!

Kathy Griffin

#25. Have I gone too far?

Kathy Griffin

#26. The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.

Kathy Griffin

#27. I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.

Kathy Griffin

#28. I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh.

Kathy Griffin

#29. I honestly never once heard them fight. They yelled at us kids all the time, but never at each other. My siblings and I joke to this day about how the reason we have trouble in relationships is because we never learned how to fight from our parents.

Kathy Griffin

#30. My fear of camping: I'm convinced bugs will crawl up my vagina and lay eggs. Isn't everyone?

Kathy Griffin

#31. To give up my job as a temp and actually make a living doing comedy, it was staggering.

Kathy Griffin

#32. A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

Kathy Griffin

#33. I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be ... ahm ... voluptuous!

Kathy Griffin

#34. I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.

Kathy Griffin

#35. I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

Kathy Griffin

#36. Of course, I've told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it's God's will.

Kathy Griffin

#37. Do you remember a little phenom called step aerobics? If you do, then you know how crazy it was to take two ninety-minute classes in a row. It's incredible that I didn't die from a blunt injury to the back of my head from slipping on my own pool of sweat.

Kathy Griffin

#38. I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.

Kathy Griffin

#39. Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true.

Kathy Griffin

#40. Life is adventure. Travel is adventure at a different address.

Kathy Griffin

#41. I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.

Kathy Griffin

#42. I have a no-apology policy.

Kathy Griffin

#43. One of my recurring D-list moments is when people stop me in the airport and tell me they loved me on SNL. I never know if they think I'm Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, or Chris Kattan. I just say Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed me as Mango.

Kathy Griffin

#44. Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.

Kathy Griffin

#45. Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That's right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that's a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.

Kathy Griffin

#46. So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits.

Kathy Griffin

#47. I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.

Kathy Griffin

#48. I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.

Kathy Griffin

#49. I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.

Kathy Griffin

#50. My mother's father was just called "The Governor," or "Himself." Which, if you have sixteen kids, probably isn't as crazy as it sounds.

Kathy Griffin

#51. A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.

Kathy Griffin

#52. I'm basically always on tour.

Kathy Griffin

#53. Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.

Kathy Griffin

#54. When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version.

Kathy Griffin

#55. I can honestly say, with complete disappointment, that I have never purged in my life, because I have what I call a barfing disorder. Every time I puke, even when I'm sick with the flu or from food poisoning, I think I'm going to die. Weird, I know. No disrespect to you, Mary Kate. Rock on.

Kathy Griffin

#56. My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts.

Kathy Griffin

#57. So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.

Kathy Griffin

#58. I am in love with Larry David.

Kathy Griffin

#59. Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.

Kathy Griffin

#60. No, I love Montreal ... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me ... I love the food there.

Kathy Griffin

#61. I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable.

Kathy Griffin

#62. Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.

Kathy Griffin

#63. I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.

Kathy Griffin

#64. There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

Kathy Griffin

#65. I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.

Kathy Griffin

#66. I'm a female in comedy, so of course I want there to be more women on 'SNL', and women of color.

Kathy Griffin

#67. It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.

Kathy Griffin

#68. I hate it, it is tedious ... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style.

Kathy Griffin

#69. I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.

Kathy Griffin

#70. Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.

Kathy Griffin

#71. My act has always reflected what's going on in my life.

Kathy Griffin

#72. I can criticize your religion all I want, and you can criticize mine. I don't like this whole climate of, 'You can't ever say anything bad about the group I'm in, cause every group is untouchable.' We can all criticize each other and engage in debate all we want.

Kathy Griffin

#73. It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month.

Kathy Griffin

#74. The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.

Kathy Griffin

#75. I am what you call a non-believer. I don't even want to say I'm an atheist because frankly I don't want to join their club either. But the point is, I am a fallen catholic, I'm not religious, and that's all well and good.

Kathy Griffin

#76. I'll be honest, there's a part of me that does think I'm held to a different standard than my contemporaries and peers, and it's a little frustrating.

Kathy Griffin