Top 100 Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

#1. In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #28871
#2. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #37089
#3. I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #40658
#4. I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #65617
#5. I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #134520
#6. My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #146383
#7. I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #158023
#8. It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #177728
#9. Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #181338
#10. My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #185857
#11. Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #194205
#12. I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #241364
#13. You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #247737
#14. Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #288090
#15. I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #307330
#16. There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #325475
#17. God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #353944
#18. Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #357663
#19. I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #373873
#20. I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #400241
#21. I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #404284
#22. Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #410072
#23. I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #411064
#24. What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #428947
#25. I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #465883
#26. I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #470544
#27. The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #483211
#28. The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #509727
#29. I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #539354
#30. When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #577703
#31. Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #587260
#32. When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #592033
#33. People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #616579
#34. I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #651079
#35. Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #652944
#36. I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #672907
#37. I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #674803
#38. My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #699792
#39. When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #704763
#40. I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #726058
#41. Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #762905
#42. I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #778492
#43. My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #784082
#44. Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That's crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #845725
#45. Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #892927
#46. A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #915464
#47. On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #920113
#48. Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #932297
#49. Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#50. You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub ... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #946015
#51. On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #951093
#52. Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #960858
#53. I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #966371
#54. If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1005643
#55. I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1011835
#56. I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1016379
#57. I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1021735
#58. I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#59. I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1092360
#60. Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1100023
#61. My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1126362
#62. I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#63. I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

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#64. I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#65. Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1172264
#66. Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1212427
#67. People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1218645
#68. The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1256678
#69. One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1281590
#70. I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#71. I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

Anthony Jeselnik

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#72. The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#73. I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#74. My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#75. I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#76. I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

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#77. My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

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#78. An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1482772
#79. Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

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#80. I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

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#81. I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1505493
#82. Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1558074
#83. About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1564670
#84. I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1573137
#85. I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1584446
#86. Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1596139
#87. My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person ... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Anthony Jeselnik

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#88. Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

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#89. I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.

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#90. What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

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#91. You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1713927
#92. Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

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#93. The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

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#94. With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

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#95. I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

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#96. I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

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#97. Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

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#98. Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah."

Anthony Jeselnik

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#99. I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1829262
#100. Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes #1845352

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