Top 100 George Carlin Quotes
#1. President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
George Carlin
#2. The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
George Carlin
#3. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
George Carlin
#4. Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
George Carlin
#5. There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
George Carlin
#6. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
George Carlin
#7. E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.
George Carlin
#8. When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.
George Carlin
#9. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
George Carlin
#10. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
George Carlin
#11. A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?
George Carlin
#12. So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
George Carlin
#13. I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
George Carlin
#14. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
George Carlin
#15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
#16. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.
George Carlin
#17. Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
#18. Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?
George Carlin
#19. You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
George Carlin
#20. There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
George Carlin
#21. Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
George Carlin
#22. People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing.
George Carlin
#23. I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
George Carlin
#24. There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
George Carlin
#25. I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
George Carlin
#26. Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
George Carlin
#27. Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
George Carlin
#28. Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
George Carlin
#29. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
#30. I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
George Carlin
#31. Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
George Carlin
#32. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
George Carlin
#34. Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and twenties who had similar anti-authority problems and similar dreams and wishes, hopes for mankind. So I gravitated toward them.
George Carlin
#35. If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?
George Carlin
#36. You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
George Carlin
#37. Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.
George Carlin
#38. Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.
George Carlin
#40. I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
George Carlin
#41. We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
George Carlin
#42. As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.
George Carlin
#43. They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
George Carlin
#44. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
George Carlin
#45. I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
George Carlin
#46. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
George Carlin
#47. If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain
George Carlin
#48. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
#49. Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
George Carlin
#50. A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
George Carlin
#52. Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
George Carlin
#54. You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus's, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do.
George Carlin
#55. If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die ... where does the sacred part come in?
George Carlin
#56. Sex criminals. Completely incurable ... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions.
George Carlin
#57. I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
George Carlin
#58. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
George Carlin
#59. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
George Carlin
#60. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
George Carlin
#61. I think it's important to break taboos for the same reason it's important to break laws and rules - because either you're a slave to them, or you're taking matters into your hands.
George Carlin
#62. Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
George Carlin
#63. When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin
#64. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
George Carlin
#65. Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.
George Carlin
#66. I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
George Carlin
#67. The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
George Carlin
#68. You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
George Carlin
#69. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
George Carlin
#70. Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.
George Carlin
#72. Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"
George Carlin
#73. It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
George Carlin
#74. Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.
George Carlin
#75. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
#77. Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.
George Carlin
#78. When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
George Carlin
#79. One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
George Carlin
#80. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
#81. That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
#82. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
#84. If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
George Carlin
#85. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
George Carlin
#87. The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
George Carlin
#88. I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.
George Carlin
#89. In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.
George Carlin
#91. It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.
George Carlin
#92. I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
George Carlin
#93. If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
George Carlin
#94. I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him.
George Carlin
#95. You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
George Carlin
#96. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin
#97. The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
George Carlin
#99. When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
George Carlin
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