Top 100 Wife Humor Quotes
#1. I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
Rodney Dangerfield
#2. If you fuck like your eyes do, your wife must be one delighted lady.
Poppet
#3. The king killed his brother, who was actually king, so that he could be king. Then the dead king's wife and baby disappeared, on account the baby would've been king, so the brother probably killed them, too. They do that kind of thing all the time, kings do. They can kill anybody they don't like.
Sage Blackwood
#4. After we hung up, I took the joint. If I was going to die here, in the creepy basement out of a horror movie, in an epic snowstorm that was like an icy prison, with a wife unwilling to pretend-like Bananarama to maybe save her husband's life, I should at least go out with a smile on my face.
Eric Spitznagel
#5. Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.
Gillian Flynn
#6. He announced to me that as soon as ever he grows up, he will get married, just because he wants to have little children, whom he likes. 'There is only one trouble,' he added, very seriously, 'I shall have to live all the time with my wife; there is no escape.
Aimee Dostoyevsky
#7. I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
Rodney Dangerfield
#8. Dorothy asked timidly: "Did his wife say anything?
"She sent her love to you."
Nora said: "Stop being nasty.
Dashiell Hammett
#9. Dellwyn: I will teach you everything you need to know to entice your father's murderer into killing his wife to be with you."
Aya: It sounds so disturbing when you say it like that.
Kate M. Colby
#10. I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
Rodney Dangerfield
#11. My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
Rodney Dangerfield
#12. Sure, he had a wife and fifty-four kids, but he looked like a college freshman. A yummy college freshman majoring in Oh-my-god-I-gotta-get-me-some-of-that.
Kim Harrison
#13. I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
Henny Youngman
#14. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
Red Skelton
#15. There once was a man from Des Moines
Whose wife was always annoyed
He stepped in the kitchen
She started her bitchin'
Now that fucking cunt is dead.
Frances Winkler
#16. Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.
Jenny Lawson
#17. Thank God (my wife) and I were both born poor
so the concept of fidelity was allowed to take root in us.
Allan Wolf
#18. Ah, we shall never have a real aristocracy while this plebeian reluctance to live upon a parent or a wife continues the animating spirit of our youth. It strikes at the foot of the feudal system!
William Dean Howells
#19. I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Henny Youngman
#20. Perfect Tommy: Pictures don't lie.
Reno: The hell they don't. I met my first wife that way
Earl Mac Rauch
#21. Never take a wife till thou hast a house(and a fire) to put her in.
Benjamin Franklin
#22. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
Henny Youngman
#23. Everything rests on the poisoned wine. If it were just the queen, I could force it down her gullet, but Declan Broekhart would run me through with that damned ceremonial sword, and if his wife's stares were daggers, he'd be dead already.
Eoin Colfer
#24. Bernard placed one arm tightly round her. When will you marry me Ethel he uttered you must be my wife it has come to that I love you so intensly that if you say no I shall perforce dash my body to the brink of yon muddy river he panted wildly.
Daisy Ashford
#25. 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
Henny Youngman
#26. It was Lisa, aged five, whose mother asked her to thank my wife for the peas we had sent them from our garden. 'I thought the peas were awful, I wish you and Mrs. Thurber were dead, and I hate trees,' said Lisa.
James Thurber
#27. My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Bob Monkhouse
#29. You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy.
'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance.
'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy.
Agatha Christie
#30. Madelyne, we're married now. 'Tis a usual occurrence to bed one's wife on the wedding night.
Julie Garwood
#31. Piper's lust was like a single bear trap in the wilderness. It was nearly impossible to find if you were looking for it, but it was something you wanted to be prepared for if you stepped into it by accident.
Maggie Stiefvater
#32. Want some help with help with that stick in your ass, love?"
"No. It's quite comfortable, thank you."
"It should be. It's been in there for years." Nix winked at Will. "I hope you'll forgive my wife. She's a bit antisocial."
"And water's a bit wet.
S.W. Vaughn
#33. Lesson for young men: if you want your eventual wife to be excited about sucking your dick for forty years, don't create a generation of women who think enthusiasm about sex is a bad thing.
Anna Kendrick
#34. For it was a truth universally acknowledged that a single vicar must be in want of a wife.
G.M. Malliet
#35. I can't help but notice that you keep writing love poetry to my wife. Well, you see, I married her, which makes her my wife. You know what you might want to try? Writing some poems about the sunset. The sunset isn't fucking married.
A. J. Jacobs
#36. This was truly advanced WASP: how to comfort a wronged wife and mother without acknowledging any misdeeds done or embarrassment caused by loved ones.
Maggie Shipstead
#37. My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.'
'I missed you too, Thurid.
Derek Landy
#38. Okay, that one's pretty good," Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about the baker's wife?"
"No," Kyra said.
"Rumor has it, she married him for his buns." Fred burst out laughing.
Kyra groaned. "Okay, that was just bad.
Bridget Zinn
#39. Humor is falling downstairs if you do it in the act of telling your wife not to.
Fougasse
#40. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
Henny Youngman
#41. Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#42. Since you act as though God is dead, I wanted to join you in the mourning.
The reply of Martin Luther's wife, in full funeral regalia, in trying to illustrate the folly of his depressed state.
Mark Driscoll
#43. He set the suitcases in the back then tossed her the keys. "You drive."
She repressed a smile as she climbed behind the wheel. "With each passing day, your reasons for wanting a wife become clearer.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#44. Look at yourself, idiot. You reek like the slaughter-house. Plan your dastard's revenge as you like. But for those of us liking our company civilized, spare us the horror and bathe yourself first!
Janny Wurts
#45. It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad
Terry Pratchett
#46. I confess i cannot help myself. i am imaginig my self as his wife. i suppose while im at it , i might as well imagine myself as queen of england,too.
Julianne MacLean
#47. I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable
which is to say wealthy
wife among the ladies attending.
And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent.
Libba Bray
#48. Well, the way you'd been, old lady
I could see the fear in your windows
Under your furry crawling brow
A silver bow rings up in inches
You were afraid you'd be the devil's red wife
But it's alright, God dug your dance
And would have you young and in his harum
Don Van Vliet
#49. We English have perfect eyesight."
Alec finally turned to look at her. "Are you jesting with me, wife?"
"You decide, husband."
"Aye, you are," Alec answered. "I've already learned all about the English sense of humor."
"And what have you learned?"
"You don't have any.
Julie Garwood
#50. She says with that misty
far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.
Aditi Mathur Kumar
#51. Ramil met Tashi's eyes with a mischievous look. "Now Wife we have a long voyage ahead of us with no interruptions, no affairs of state to sidetrack us." He brushed his fingers againist the lacings of her neck. "Isn't it time you returned that shirt to its owner?
Julia Golding
#52. Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!
Terry Pratchett
#53. Your wife is a psycho path. I wouldn't fuck her with your dick. She's probably pull some booby trap shit and shove some razor-blades up her twat to try and slice my cock off.
Emma Chase
#54. Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
Richard Belzer
#55. Yeah, you can cook better than your wife, read historical romance, and, oh wait, I'm sorry. Do you even remember where you left your balls? Or did you even have them in the first place.
Rachel Van Dyken
#56. The seed of a blue lupin will usually produce a blue lupin. But the seed of a blue-eyed man may produce a brown-eyed bore ... especially if his wife has a taste for gigolos.
Beverley Nichols
#58. I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
#59. A little of me goes a long way," I told my wife on our wedding night.
W.H. Mitchell
#60. A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
#61. I tell you it's deadly when you start thinking your wife might be right.
Isaac Asimov
#62. In some instances, it may unfortunately be necessary for a Wife to seek outside employment, such as when the husband is dismembered or is dead.
Margaret Dilloway
#63. Godfrey's wife Charmian sat with her eyes closed, attempting to put her thoughts into alphabetical order which Godfrey had told her was better than no order at all, since she now had grasp of neither logic nor chronology.
Muriel Spark
#64. Jake fried up the fish, cooked rice with garlic, cilantro and green onions. Someday he was going to make some woman a wonderful wife.
Josh Lanyon
#65. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
Henny Youngman
#66. Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife.
Pawan Mishra
#67. Yes, you'd make a great partner for him. What with the embezzling and the adultery and the drinking. That's what every man wants in a wife - a vaguely alcoholic, fornicating thief.
Eleanor Brown
#68. Library-denigrators, pay heed: suggesting that the Internet is a viable substitute for libraries is like saying porn could replace your wife.
Joanne Harris
#69. Ildiko had been tempted more than a few times to cross her eyes and watch their reaction.
"Don't even think about it, wife. You'll notice half of them are sharpening or cleaning their weapons. All I need is for someone to inadvertently slice themselves open because you startled them.
Grace Draven
#70. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield
#71. I had made her so unhappy that she had developed a sense of humor. [-Rabo Karabekian]
Kurt Vonnegut
#72. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day.
Jay Leno
#73. For Sale: Complete set of encylopedias. Never used. Wife knows everything.
Paul Zindel
#74. Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife
Shelley Winters
#75. I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Rodney Dangerfield
#76. A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.
Pawan Mishra
#77. First, I'm not getting married, so you can forget the wife. Second, if I was insane enough to get married, I wouldn't have kids. Third, if I was insane enough to get married and have kids, it would be a cold day in hell I'd let you babysit.
Jennifer Crusie
#78. For lunch my colleagues and I each ate the equivalent of a double banana split. I told my wife I had two bananas for lunch...I failed to mention I had to eat my way through five pounds of ice cream to get to those bananas.
Dan Adams
#79. A good wife would have sorted him out and put him on the right road..." There comes that right road again. I wonder where it is? Imogen thought
Jean Stubbs
#80. I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
Chic Murray
#82. In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you ... but there is nothing wrong with me
John Irving
#83. God I loved Sammy. I'd considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.
Darynda Jones
#84. I think it's 'only polite' that my wife should let me know when she's entertaining a male visitor, furthermore one that has shared her bed.
Charlaine Harris
#85. And I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife.' Well Mr. Go-And-Do just went and did!
John Bytheway
#86. We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
H.L. Mencken
#87. Off course, if Steven had a wife in the attic, like Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre, that, I thought, would be another matter entirely. But the very idea made me laugh. His building had no attic, and his one small closet couldn't even hold a skeleton. It was too packed with clothes, his and mine.
Lisa Tucker
#88. The sight of Elgie flat on the slimy dock, groaning "My wife, my wife", with a gun pointed at him, and me jumping up and down, was even enough for a German to take pity.
Maria Semple
#89. Remember guls," preached Mrs. Gulbenk, always holding the most perfect red tomato in her hand for all of us to admire, "you can fry 'em, bake 'em, stew 'em, and congeal 'em. A good wife and mutha will always have a tomata on hand.:
Susan Gregg Gilmore
#90. Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
Frankie Boyle
#91. Oh Pia, I feel GOOD! Fully recovered!' he always says in a dazzling tone that tells everyone within a ten-kilometre radius that he's not.
Aditi Mathur Kumar
#93. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Tommy Cooper
#94. Having an affair with your good friend's wife while he's in an institution and your wife is in a hospital ranks somewhere between Benedict Arnold and the guy who invented Girls Gone Wild on the spectrum of Total Dickheads in American History.
Daniel O'Brien
#95. Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?
~ Susan
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#96. If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#97. I believe that because I had obtained a wife who was made up of wife-signs (beauty, charm, softness, perfume, cookery) I had found love.
Donald Barthelme
#98. One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Rodney Dangerfield
#100. Beaumont wanted Esmond very badly. Esmond wanted Beaumont's wife. And she didn't want anybody.
Loretta Chase
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