Top 100 Eoin Colfer Quotes
#1. This is working out pretty well, all things considered. My giddy side wants to giggle, but I choke it down. Later for the girlishness.
Eoin Colfer
#2. Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over
Eoin Colfer
#4. I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that despicable centaur Foaly hasn't succeded in splicing surveillance equiptment to plants? So get rid of all the flowers. Rocks, too. I don't trust them. Sullen little blebers.
Eoin Colfer
#5. Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down.
Eoin Colfer
#6. There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell.
Eoin Colfer
#7. Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.
Eoin Colfer
#8. You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue
Eoin Colfer
#9. If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.
Eoin Colfer
#10. Don't you worry about that, Mr. Adamsson. Why don't you head back to Reykjavik and spend some of that extortionate fee you charged me for a couple of hours' usage of your frankly third-rate restaurant and perhaps find a friendless tree stump to listen to your woes?
Eoin Colfer
#11. How was your ... eh ... trip?"
Artemis felt the sting of tears in his own eyes. "Um, eventful ...
Eoin Colfer
#13. I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.
Eoin Colfer
#14. Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles."
Holly opened the throttle. "Now there's an order I never thought I'd hear from you.
Eoin Colfer
#15. I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots.
Eoin Colfer
#16. Nobody ever got rich by wearing a heart on their sleeve, unless it was someone else's heart.
Eoin Colfer
#17. The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.
Eoin Colfer
#18. And I will not be beaten by that jackass."
"Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite uncle is a jackass.
Eoin Colfer
#19. Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.
Eoin Colfer
#20. I am not exuding anything," said Holly through gritted teeth.
Orion tapped her shoulder. "I beg to differ. You're exuding right now, a wonderful aura. It's pastel blue with little dolphins.
Eoin Colfer
#21. Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.
Eoin Colfer
#22. Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
Eoin Colfer
#23. Control puberty?" snorted the bodyguard."If you manage that, you'll be the first.
Eoin Colfer
#24. The humans were protecting their heritage, or so they thought. Strange that Mud Men seem more concerned about the past than the present.
Eoin Colfer
#25. The sun was already long past the spire when Garrick purchased a mug of coffee from his regular man on the tip of Oxford Street. But his palate had been educated by 21st century coffee, and he judged this mug as bilge water not fit for the Irish.
Eoin Colfer
#26. If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm mad. That's the way history is written
Eoin Colfer
#27. You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.
Eoin Colfer
#28. I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
Eoin Colfer
#29. In comic books, people with gifts became superheroes; in real life they became outcasts.
Eoin Colfer
#30. Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the-Hindenburg bad kind of history.
Eoin Colfer
#31. Ambition had a price, and that price was friendship.
Eoin Colfer
#32. Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.
Eoin Colfer
#34. I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!!
Eoin Colfer
#35. A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.
Eoin Colfer
#36. There will be consequences for this, he thought. You can't alter time and not be affected. But whatever the consequences are, I will bear them, because the alternative is too terrible. -Artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony
Eoin Colfer
#37. It was calling me, that button," he offered as his excuse. "I couldn't resist." -MULCH DIGGUMS ON A HIGHLY PRESS-ABLE BUTTON-
Eoin Colfer
#38. Holly: Seven and a half hours to save the world. Isn't there some law that says we get twenty-four?
Artemis: I don't think Opal pays much attention to laws.
Eoin Colfer
#39. You didn't foresee a troll-riding dwarf pushing your plane down the runway. You must be losing your touch, Artemis. He
Eoin Colfer
#40. Very well. I understand. Just ... shut up!
Eoin Colfer
#41. world was dripping down his eyeballs like wet oil paint down a canvas.
Eoin Colfer
#42. Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.
Eoin Colfer
#43. No Fletcher. Wake up, boy. Those are the flames of Hell. Dermont dropped out of school, so that's where he's headed. See the little horns? -Ms. Quinn
Eoin Colfer
#44. Yes, Chix, it's between us. Everyone has a right to be temporarily unstable.
- Foaly
Eoin Colfer
#45. Cosmo was halfway through a particularly nasty dream involving two Parasites, Ziplock, and a hair dryer,
Eoin Colfer
#46. Luckily, he had the memory span of a particularly dim goldfish, so with any luck he'd have forgotten all about the comment by the time they'd completed their mission.
Eoin Colfer
#47. He knew that Dr. Argon would advise him against bottling up his emotions as it would lead to psychological scarring in the long term.
Eoin Colfer
#48. We're being led by an idiot with a crayon.
Eoin Colfer
#49. Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.
Artemis Fowl
Eoin Colfer
#50. Scientists are the enemies of tradition , and tradition own all the prisons. - Victor Vigny
Eoin Colfer
#51. Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.
Eoin Colfer
#52. The problem is that I know the textbook answers to any question you care to ask.
Eoin Colfer
#53. The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.
Eoin Colfer
#54. I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any time soon?
Eoin Colfer
#55. Everything rests on the poisoned wine. If it were just the queen, I could force it down her gullet, but Declan Broekhart would run me through with that damned ceremonial sword, and if his wife's stares were daggers, he'd be dead already.
Eoin Colfer
#56. King Nicholas had explained the lense box to
Eoin Colfer
#57. A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.
Eoin Colfer
#58. Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.
Eoin Colfer
#59. I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?
Eoin Colfer
#60. Some people just needed to be stolen from.
Eoin Colfer
#61. Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!
Eoin Colfer
#62. My truffles? You took them? That's just mean!
Eoin Colfer
#64. Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.
Eoin Colfer
#65. Is that how you're going to take me? Scare me into voluntarily coming aboard, then steal my Ice Cube?"
"It's always cubes with you," noted Foaly, somewhat randomly. "What's wrong with a nice sphere?
Eoin Colfer
#66. She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
-Artemis Fowl
Eoin Colfer
#67. It's a game box. They were invented so teenagers wouldn't have to talk to grownups.
Eoin Colfer
#68. Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.
Eoin Colfer
#69. Anything else, Butler?"
"The cosh, sir.
Eoin Colfer
#70. Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.
Eoin Colfer
#71. Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized.
Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.
Eoin Colfer
#72. I feel a little dizzy," said Orion. "But also wonderfully elated. I feel that I am on the verge of finding a rhyme for the word orange."
"Oxygen deprivation," said Foaly. "Or maybe it's just him.
Eoin Colfer
#74. Yes. Because every family needs a laser for thier family jet.
Eoin Colfer
#75. Excuse me, Tex, the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits.
Eoin Colfer
#76. In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter - they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.
Eoin Colfer
#77. They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enlightened.
Eoin Colfer
#78. It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?
Eoin Colfer
#79. Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.
Eoin Colfer
#80. Connor Broekhart was born to fly, or more accurately he was born flying.
Eoin Colfer
#81. Gold is power-artemis fowl I liked the artemis fowl series because its about a boy genius
Eoin Colfer
#82. No alcohol, Riley." She nodded at the screen. "How are you liking the twenty-first century?"
Riley burped. "The Take That are most melodic. And God bless Harry Potter is all I can say. If not for him, all of London would have been consumed by the dark arts.
Eoin Colfer
#83. The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.
Eoin Colfer
#84. Argh? Pathetic and inarticulate. Nice combination. Your mothers must be so proud.
Eoin Colfer
#85. Make it fast, you shower of stinking rabbit droppings, I've got a fresh blade that I'm just itching to test!
Eoin Colfer
#86. Red was smiling back at me. "Ok. I'm not in trouble. But tell me your heart didn't start beating for the first time in a month."
I couldn't deny it. So I didn't.
Eoin Colfer
#87. You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.
'Nope,' I replied.
Eoin Colfer
#88. Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.
Eoin Colfer
#89. I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ... ah ... butler, has a Sig Saucer in his shoulder holster, two shrike-throwing knives in his boots, aderringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch, and three stun greanades concealed in variouse pockets. Anything else, Butler?
Eoin Colfer
#91. Probably is absolutely the best I can do.
Eoin Colfer
#92. Artemis: How long will it take you to prepare the time spell?
N1 chewed his knuckle: About as long as it takes you to take your clothes off.
"Aaarrk," Artemis half choked.
Eoin Colfer
#93. The little boys did as they were told, eager to please their deranged brother.
"Ici, garcon," they chorused, pudgy fingers raised. And then from the corner of his mouth, Myles whispered to his twin, "Artemis simple-toon.
Eoin Colfer
#94. Now, Benny was no eejit. He wasn't expecting the Tunisian nationals to be Irish. What he did expect was darkish people with Irishy personalities.
That was not what he got.
The Tunisians weren't interested in conforming to Benny's preconceptions. They stubbornly insisted on being themselves.
Eoin Colfer
#95. Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.
Eoin Colfer
#96. (text message) CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.
Eoin Colfer
#97. Artemis remembered a few lines from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland: "But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice. "Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here.
Eoin Colfer
#98. The thought of revenge always gave her a warm fuzzy feeling.
Eoin Colfer
#99. I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?' 'We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff.
Eoin Colfer
#100. I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland.
A line came to him: It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.
Eoin Colfer
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