Top 100 Jenny Lawson Quotes
#1. When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.
Jenny Lawson
#2. I'm not going to say I told you so" is pretty much the same thing as saying "I told you so." Except worse because you're saying "I told you so" and congratulating yourself for your restraint in not saying what you totally just said.
Jenny Lawson
#3. If you were crazy you wouldn't realize how crazy it sounds," she said gently but insistently. "You're recognizing a problem and you're getting help for it, the same way any sane person with a medical problem would.
Jenny Lawson
#4. I've always been a fan of therapy. You spend an entire hour talking about yourself and someone has to fake being fascinated by the strange assemblage of minutiae that is you.
Jenny Lawson
#5. When I was little, my father used to sell guns and ammo at a sporting goods store, but I always told everyone he was an arms dealer, because it sounded more exciting.
Jenny Lawson
#6. I stood at the end of the street, catching snow in my mouth, and laughed softly to myself as I realized that without my insomnia and anxiety and pain I'd never have been awake to see the city that never sleeps asleep and blanketed up for winter. I smiled and felt silly, but in the best possible way.
Jenny Lawson
#7. I can finally see that all the terrible parts of my life, the embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened, and the things that make me "weird" and "different," were actually the most important parts of my life. They were the parts that made me ME.
Jenny Lawson
#8. Of a deal, then you're probably the kind of person who grew up in a town that has a gas station, and that doesn't encourage students to drive to school in their tractors. Wall
Jenny Lawson
#9. The Spoon Theory was created by a friend of mine, Christine Miserandino, to explain the limits you have when you live with chronic illness.
Jenny Lawson
#10. You've overthought this. Well, I have an anxiety disorder. This is what it's like in my head all the time.
Jenny Lawson
#11. This place is very bushy," I said, using words to describe things.
Jenny Lawson
#12. Hell, there are probably people out there right now who consider us to be shiny people (bless their stupid, stupid hearts)and that's pretty much proof that none of our brains can be trusted to accurately measure the value of anyone, much less ourselves.
Jenny Lawson
#13. As always when we bought a new home, Victor asked the questions about deed restrictions and taxes, while I asked the two questions I was always responsible for: "Has anyone ever died in the house?" and "How many bodies are buried on the property?
Jenny Lawson
#14. This'll be a hootload of fun," coming from a taxidermist's assistant translates to: "This will cost thousands in psychoanalysis and will probably ruin your dress.
Jenny Lawson
#15. But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it's the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.
Jenny Lawson
#16. Cats act with their eyes. They are the small, silent film actors of their time, and they are vastly underrated.
Jenny Lawson
#17. If someone asked me to pick out my own vagina's mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I'd be helpless. And probably concerned about what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a need for its own mug shot.
Jenny Lawson
#18. Just cheer up is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever.
Jenny Lawson
#19. Is "defeatedly" a word? As in, "She sighed defeatedly as spell-check implied that 'defeatedly' isn't a real word.
Jenny Lawson
#20. Even when everything's going your way you can still be sad.
Jenny Lawson
#21. In fact almost everyone in my yearbook wrote the same thing to me: "To weird girl, you're nice." I didn't think it was bad. When I showed my mother she said, "Everyone is different." Being weird became my tool. I'm weird; that's who I am. It was my coping badge.
Jenny Lawson
#22. That's the thing about my father. You never know when he's hiding a giant surprise giraffe head from you.
Jenny Lawson
#23. It's amazing how much you're missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side. It's like breathing again after being underwater for far too long
Jenny Lawson
#24. Cannibals say that we taste like pork, and bacon is my spirit animal, so we're probably delicious.
Jenny Lawson
#25. When I wake up in the morning I often find messages left to me on my phone. Then I read the messages and I suspect that I'm being stalked by a madwoman. And I am. That madwoman is me. The calls are coming from inside the house. Some
Jenny Lawson
#26. I just realized that men get stiletto knives and women get stiletto shoes. This whole thing is fucked.
Jenny Lawson
#27. One of the best things you can do as a parent is to realize that your child is nothing like you, and everything like you.
Jenny Lawson
#28. Unfortunately, that was not my father's intent at all, and my eyes widened in horror as my father leaned over and yelled in his booming, cheerful voice, "HELLOOOO, VICTOR," while tossing a live bobcat on him. Most
Jenny Lawson
#29. A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there.
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.
Jenny Lawson
#31. Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn't
actually exist anymore? Someplace that exists only in your
mind?
Jenny Lawson
#32. Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows he's fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because he's dead. So technically I'm better than Galileo because all I've done is take a shower and already I've accomplished more than him today.
Jenny Lawson
#33. There was no way to explain to this stranger how my mental illness had just gifted me with a magical moment. I realized it would have sounded a bit crazy, but that made sense. After all, I was a bit crazy. And I didn't even have to pretend to be good at it. I was a damn natural.
Jenny Lawson
#34. My motto has always been "Time enjoyed is never wasted." Except replace "enjoyed" with "drunk" and "never wasted" with "never not a good idea.
Jenny Lawson
#35. The more I considered it, the more I realized how much I have in common with these koalas. We're both immunocompromised, lightly diseased, exhausted, and full of toxins. I'm totally a koala.
Jenny Lawson
#36. It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.
Jenny Lawson
#37. I try to be appreciative of what I have instead of bitter about what I've lost.
Jenny Lawson
#38. I don't get the anti-slut-shaming movement. They're like, "Don't shame the sluts," and I'm like, "You're the one calling them sluts." It's like having a "Lay off the fatties" campaign.
Jenny Lawson
#39. I picked up the phone to call the police, but then I considered how it would sound when I told them that I was calling from inside my bathroom, where I'd OD'ed on laxatives, and that a possible rapist was quietly passing me notes under the bathroom door.
Jenny Lawson
#40. As it is with all stories, fast cars, wild bears, mental illness, and even life, only one truth remains: your mileage may vary.
Jenny Lawson
#41. In my spare time I like to stare at shit. I mean, not literally. I like to stare at the TV, or the Internet, or a book, or cat videos. There's a lot of sitting very still and not moving involved. I suspect in a former life I was probably a statue because I am profoundly good at it.
Jenny Lawson
#42. Is "defeatedly" a real word? As in, "She sighed defeatedly as spell-check implied that 'defeatedly' isn't a real word." Fuck it. It's going in the book, and I'm a pretty sure that makes it a real word. Me and Shakespeare. Making shit up as we go along.
Jenny Lawson
#43. Some people we define as trolls are just critics. Sometimes they have a point. And I hear them. But for the ones who comment "I want to kill you in your sleep," I respond to them too.
Jenny Lawson
#44. Personally I prefer to avoid any activity that ends with a strange man offering to "hose the blood off of ye afterward, mate." It's just a rule I have. Because I'm picky.
Jenny Lawson
#45. I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again.
Jenny Lawson
#46. People assume that because I'm a girl and my blog is hot pink that my readership is 90% women, but it's not. It's probably only about 65%. When I do tours, it's pretty much the same thing: it's about one-third guys.
Jenny Lawson
#47. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.
Jenny Lawson
#48. Because money can't buy the happiness of a good and understanding spouse.
Jenny Lawson
#49. Be happy in front of people who hate you. That way they know they haven't gotten to you. Plus, it pisses them off like crazy.
Jenny Lawson
#50. Usually your kids' positive qualities come less from your making them awesome and more from just not intentionally squashing the random things they're inherently born with that make them awesome.
Jenny Lawson
#51. Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.
Jenny Lawson
#52. I have never been normal and I think we both know that.
Jenny Lawson
#53. You never think to appreciate your arms until you need them to stop the floor from punching you in the face.
Jenny Lawson
#54. They may have all had suitcases three times as big as mine, but I realized that the emotional baggage I'd brought with me was big enough to put theirs to shame. It was a little lighter, though, now that I was leaving.
Jenny Lawson
#55. When life gives you lemons you should freeze them and use them to throw at your enemies using some sort of trebuchet.
Jenny Lawson
#56. Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.
Jenny Lawson
#57. Necessity is the mother of invention but boredom is the mother of doing bafflingly stupid shit.
Jenny Lawson
#58. I am furiously happy. It's not a cure for mental illness ... it's a weapon, designed to counter it. It's a way to take back some of the joy that's robbed from you when you're crazy.
Jenny Lawson
#59. Someone once said that if you make something no one hates, no one will ever love it either, and that's true.
Jenny Lawson
#60. My old e-mail addresses are like bars I've been kicked out of and can never return to.
Jenny Lawson
#61. Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.
Jenny Lawson
#62. Luckily the god of How-Did-Children-Survive-in-the-Seventies was looking out for us
Jenny Lawson
#63. I'd eat a human foot if it was smothered in enough cheese and butter.
Jenny Lawson
#64. Also I couldn't find the packing peanuts for the booze, so I just drank it all. YOU WILL MISS ME SO MUCH ONCE I'M SOBER ENOUGH TO WAKE UP AND DRIVE AWAY.
Jenny Lawson
#65. Because it was the first time in my life that I gave myself permission to be me. I was still shy and self-conscious and terrified of people, but Jenkins had essentially freed me of the bonds of having to try to fit in.
Jenny Lawson
#66. That raccoon is my goddamn role model. He is the worst and best Patronus ever, and I want to be just like him when I grow up.
Jenny Lawson
#67. When Hailey was born my first thought was that I needed a drink and that hospitals should have bars in them.
Jenny Lawson
#68. I was certain I wouldn't sleep again. But I must have, because at four a.m. a different nurse shook me awake and brusquely said, "You can go now. We got what we needed." She refused to tell me exactly what it was they'd gotten and I started to suspect it was my kidneys.
Jenny Lawson
#69. There is such freedom in being able to celebrate and appreciate the unique moments that recharge you and give you peace and joy.
Jenny Lawson
#70. Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively. I
Jenny Lawson
#71. It was my job to accidentally make money, and his job to make sure I didn't lose it while I was doing wobbly cartwheels in the parking lot after the bars closed.
Jenny Lawson
#73. I've had chronic insomnia for as long as I can remember. These are the things that eventually happen when you're alone at two a.m. often enough. *
Jenny Lawson
#74. I'm not sure I have the words to describe that moment but if there's a word that means the exact opposite of "ladylike", that would be a good start.
Jenny Lawson
#75. Laura, they rub your face off using DIAMONDS.
Jenny Lawson
#76. Meanwhile, I was doodling pictures of vampiric cougars.
Jenny Lawson
#77. My rule is "Enjoy the non-shitty things now because shitty things are coming.
Jenny Lawson
#78. I can't think of another type of illness where the sufferer is made to feel guilty and question their self-care when their medications need to be changed.
Jenny Lawson
#79. [I have] occasional depersonalization disorder, (which makes me feel utterly detached from reality, but in less of a "this LSD is awesome" kind of way and more of a "I wonder what my face is doing right now" and "it sure would be nice to feel emotions again" sort of thing).
Jenny Lawson
#80. Mentally ill. It's a phrase that once scared me, but now I wear it like an old jacket, comfortable but ugly.
Jenny Lawson
#81. Texas is a state that had once outlawed sodomy and fellatio, but is totally cool with men giving themselves golden showers in the name of deer hunting.
Jenny Lawson
#82. A house should look lived in, and I consider it clean as long as I don't stick to it and it doesn't give me cholera.
Jenny Lawson
#83. I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE.
Jenny Lawson
#84. Everyone is born with extra fingers. God expects you to cut a few off during your journey. Otherwise he wouldn't have made power tools so awesome.
Jenny Lawson
#85. If you scored between zero and 8,000: You are you. You're more you than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Keep going. You're on the right track. Also, your hair looks great today.
Jenny Lawson
#86. It (her wedding dress) was the kind of dress that both Scarlett O'Hara and Princess Diana would have deemed 'over the top'.
Jenny Lawson
#87. I think that's how love works. Sometimes it means doing the washing up when it's not your mess, and sometimes it's driving to the airport three times in one week to pick up a loved one, and sometimes it's all unexpected bears and possible surprise giraffes.
Jenny Lawson
#88. It's because right now? YOU'RE READING. That's what the sexy people do.
Jenny Lawson
#89. *Spoiler alert: Bambi's mom doesn't make it.
Jenny Lawson
#90. I want my pockets to be like a TARDIS, or Mary Poppins's carpetbag.
Jenny Lawson
#91. We all get our share of tragedy or insanity or drama, but what we do with that horror is what makes all the difference. I
Jenny Lawson
#92. I made a note on my phone to create a Swiss Army Dillo but spell-check changed it to "Create a Swiss Army Dildo," which frankly just seems painful and excessive.
Jenny Lawson
#93. We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.
Jenny Lawson
#94. Like maybe I should plan to get buried in a coffin full of glitter because that way if anyone in the future digs me up they'll be like, "What the fuck? Is that glitter? That shit never goes away. Fuck that noise. Let's just rob the guy next to her.
Jenny Lawson
#95. Claude has no claws and he thought I was being ironic. I'm not actually sure if it's ironic or not. That Alanis Morissette song sort of fucked up irony for everyone.
Jenny Lawson
#96. Don't sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.
Jenny Lawson
#97. No. You said I looked "okay," which is petty much the same thing as saying, "Well, at least your nipples are covered.
Jenny Lawson
#98. Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.
Jenny Lawson
#99. Call me 'that-weird-chick-who-says-"fuck"-a-lot'" is probably more accurate,
Jenny Lawson
#100. Rory the Dead Raccoon stood up on his hind legs, his arms stretched out in glee. He looked like he was the most excited member of your surprise party, or like a Time Lord in the process of regenerating. His
Jenny Lawson
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