Top 100 Emo Philips Quotes
#1. I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
#2. Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
#3. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
#4. I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
#5. My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know ... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
#6. Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
#7. I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.
Emo Philips
#8. They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
#9. I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
#10. I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
#11. I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
Emo Philips
#12. I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.
Emo Philips
#13. Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
#14. Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
#15. I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
#16. Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
#17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
#18. Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
#19. I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
#20. In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
#21. When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
#22. Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
Emo Philips
#23. I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
#24. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
Emo Philips
#25. England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Emo Philips
#26. I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
#27. Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
#28. I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes "Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen."
Emo Philips
#29. My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
#30. My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
#31. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He
survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare
system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just
had to pay the inheritance tax.
Emo Philips
#32. The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
Emo Philips
#33. I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips
#34. I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
Emo Philips
#35. I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.
Emo Philips
#36. There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
#37. Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips
#38. So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
Emo Philips
#39. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Emo Philips
#40. Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
Emo Philips
#41. I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
Emo Philips
#42. Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
#43. I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
#44. I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
#45. I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
#46. Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
#47. Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Emo Philips
#48. Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
#49. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
#50. I'm not a Republican ... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
#51. The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
#52. Cell phones are like a dog's nipples ... you don't have to shout into them!
Emo Philips
#53. I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
#54. I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.
Emo Philips
#55. At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
#56. He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
#57. My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
Emo Philips
#58. I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
Emo Philips
#59. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
#60. My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um ... breast ... out feeding it. You know ... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
#61. I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th ... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
#62. I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
#63. A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
#64. Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.
Emo Philips
#65. Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.
Emo Philips
#66. Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
#67. I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips
#68. I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
#69. My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
#70. I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".
Emo Philips
#71. I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
#72. My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
#73. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
#74. The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence ... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
#75. The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
Emo Philips
#76. If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
Emo Philips
#77. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
#78. My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
Emo Philips
#79. I learned about sex the hard way ... from books.
Emo Philips
#80. I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips
#81. I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips
#82. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
#83. Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.
Emo Philips
#84. I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
#85. I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".
Emo Philips
#86. When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
#87. When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
#88. The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
#89. Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
#90. When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal ... You have to let me in now.
Emo Philips
#91. The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".
Emo Philips
#92. You know what I hate? Indian givers ... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
#93. I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips
#94. I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
Emo Philips
#95. I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Emo Philips
#96. I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
#97. My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid ... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
Emo Philips
#98. Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
Emo Philips
#99. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips
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