Top 100 Henny Youngman Quotes
#2. His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
Henny Youngman
#3. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... "
Henny Youngman
#4. Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
Henny Youngman
#5. I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman
#6. 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
Henny Youngman
#7. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
Henny Youngman
#9. A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
Henny Youngman
#10. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Henny Youngman
#11. I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Henny Youngman
#12. I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
#13. If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
#14. If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henny Youngman
#15. My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
#16. Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
Henny Youngman
#18. The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Henny Youngman
#19. My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
Henny Youngman
#20. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
#21. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
#22. I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
Henny Youngman
#23. I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Henny Youngman
#24. A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman
#26. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Henny Youngman
#27. My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman
#28. Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
#29. A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?
Henny Youngman
#30. I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
#31. A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
#32. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman
#33. Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
#34. I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Henny Youngman
#35. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
#36. This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
#37. When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)
Henny Youngman
#38. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
Henny Youngman
#39. I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
#40. A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
Henny Youngman
#41. There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.
Henny Youngman
#42. 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
Henny Youngman
#43. If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?
Henny Youngman
#44. Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
#45. A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman
#46. In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!
Henny Youngman
#47. A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
Henny Youngman
#48. My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
#49. I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Henny Youngman
#50. That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman
#51. I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Henny Youngman
#52. Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
Henny Youngman
#53. Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.
Henny Youngman
#54. I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
Henny Youngman
#55. My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny Youngman
#56. Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
Henny Youngman
#57. I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race ...
Henny Youngman
#59. In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
#60. I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
Henny Youngman
#61. A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
Henny Youngman
#62. In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"
Henny Youngman
#63. My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henny Youngman
#64. I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.
Henny Youngman
#65. A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
#66. Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
Henny Youngman
#67. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Henny Youngman
#68. How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Henny Youngman
#69. If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
#70. Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Henny Youngman
#71. I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman
#72. I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
#73. I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman
#74. A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!
Henny Youngman
#75. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Henny Youngman
#76. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
Henny Youngman
#77. I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
#78. Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
Henny Youngman
#79. I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
#80. Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
Henny Youngman
#81. I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman
#84. Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
#85. My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
#86. When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman
#87. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
Henny Youngman
#89. She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
Henny Youngman
#90. A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny Youngman
#91. Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
#93. I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
#94. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
#95. Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
Henny Youngman
#96. Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
Henny Youngman
#97. I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today.
Henny Youngman
#98. I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
#99. Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
Henny Youngman
#100. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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