Top 100 Marriage Humor Quotes
#1. She's SINGLE doesnt really mean she's AVAILABLE.
She's IN A RELATIONSHIP doesnt really mean she's NOT INTERESTED.
She's ENGAGED doesnt really mean IT'S OVER.
IT'S JUST COMPLICATED untill she's MARRIED!
Emmanuel Aghado
#2. The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten.
Roman Payne
#3. What really holds their marriage together are mutual respect of an awesome depth, a shared sense of humor, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves, and a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.
Dean Koontz
#4. Of all the queer sources of romance, ours lay in the discovery that each was an addict of Boswell's Life of Johnson. H.E.G. had a first edition of the Journey to the Hebrides, which I coveted mightily. Why not acquire the book honorably, marry the man, and have it around the house?
Beatrice Fairfax
#5. Mothers! They promise you they'll never get married again, and next thing you know you're a bridesmaid.
Mindy Schanback
#6. My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.
Chelsea Handler
#7. Nothing's really changed since then, except that now any children we have might be wizards themselves, and I'll be hopelessly outnumbered.
Eilis O'Neal
#8. A large proportion of mankind, like pigeons and partridges, on reaching maturity, having passed through a period of playfulness or promiscuity, establish what they hope and expect will be a permanent and fertile mating relationship. This we call marriage.
C.D. Darlington
#9. I must say, Graystone, you are surviving married life very nicely." Peter helped himself to claret from the decanter that had been set out in the library.
"Thank you, Sheldrake. I flatter myself that not every man could survive being married to Augusta.
Amanda Quick
#12. Once or twice, in the first days of his marriage, he had asked himself with a slight shiver what would happen if Susy should begin to bore him. The thing had happened to him with other women as to whom his first emotions had not differed in intensity from those she inspired.
Edith Wharton
#13. So hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you want to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, a falafel,or get married or something?
Christopher Moore
#14. There is a perfect marriage. Any marriage counselor can tell you that.
Ljupka Cvetanova
#15. Mrs. Allen was one of that numerous class of females, whose society can raise no other emotion than surprise at there being any men in the world who could like them well enough to marry them. She had neither beauty, genius, accomplishment, nor manner.
Jane Austen
#16. When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
Helen Rowland
#17. Oh, no. This has "marriage" written all over it. Travis, read my lips: remember that Fellini film with the prostitute who says that every new sunrise makes her a virgin? It doesn't work that way with me. Even the sun thinks I'm a slut.
Steve Kluger
#19. Her chances of a decent marriage were about to be dashed-and all because of a ferret.
Lisa Kleypas
#20. Probably the most important single element that I found in my own marriage was a sense of humor. My wife had a delicious sense of humor, and I think I have an adequate one.
Walter Cronkite
#21. At some point you do not need to talk to have a conversation. The conversation exists whether you have it or not. It continues silently in a parallel dimension of the marriage. They both pause to let it run its course toward another stalemate.
Chris Bachelder
#22. I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational.
David Cross
#23. Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.
Conan O'Brien
#24. I married my first husband for love, my second husband for adventure, and my third husband for laffs.
Carolyn V. Hamilton
#25. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
#26. Share in your activities and interests. If you are going to kill zombies anyway, why not do it together?
Jesse Petersen
#27. Show physical affection. Nothing says "I love you" like bearing the entirety of your spouse's weight.
Jesse Petersen
#28. The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.
Scott Adams
#29. Marriage was like death. You knew it'd happen eventually, but it wasn't something you dwelt on.
T. Kingfisher
#30. Marriage is an honorable estate and should not be used simply as an excuse for legal intercourse.
Jasper Fforde
#31. Ethan: "You think I'm a hero?"
Beth: "Yes."
Ethan: "But lousy husband material?" Like that really mattered to him.
Beth: "Don't sweat it. So was Superman.
Lucy Monroe
#32. In such societies it is common for ordinary people to seek out celibate spiritual leaders for marriage, love and sometimes sexual guidance. This strikes me as a particularly stupid kind of folly. Nobody ever asks a vegetarian for a recommendation for a steak house
Scott Andrews
#33. If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
Dave Barry
#35. All due respect to the Resurrection, but two-becoming-one might be the greatest miracle ever.
Jen Hatmaker
#36. Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate.
Maggie Stiefvater
#37. The calmest husbands make the stormiest wives.
Thomas Dekker
#38. A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.
Pawan Mishra
#39. His friend laughed. 'You missed your calling, Freddie,' he said. 'You should have been one of the aforementioned clergy. Is this what marriage does to you? One shudders at the very idea.
Mary Balogh
#40. I'd rather be single, happy, and lonely sometimes than married, lonely, and happy sometimes.
Mark Fiore
#41. I believe people ought to mate for life ... like pigeons or Catholics.
Woody Allen
#42. Sometimes I look at him
and I want to get on my best heels.
Sometimes I look at him
and I want to be a lesbian.
He says that I'm too moody.
Casey Renee Kiser
#43. Harry: I supposed getting married wouldn't be any worse than killing myself.
Caryl Churchill
#44. But marrying within one's own family can get monotonous. One has heard all the same family stories, knows all the jokes and all the same recipes. No novelty.
Margaret George
#45. When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.
Chelsea Handler
#46. You are your partner are on the same side - it's the side of the living.
Jesse Petersen
#47. No Marriage Is Perfect. But every relationship has value!
Rashika Roberts
#48. I'm a registered Republican, I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage.
Aaron Sorkin
#49. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Good-looking people marry good-looking people and the others take what's left.
Alan Bennett
#50. I don't know about this here eternal marriage business. But it seems to me that if you can't live with the sons-of-bitches on earth the Lord won't force you to remain with them in heaven.
J. Golden Kimball
#51. Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife.
Pawan Mishra
#52. Frederick left the young couple gazing into each other's eyes. Revolting, the way otherwise sensible people could carry on, he decided. Something to do with being married, no doubt. Perhaps it damaged the brain.
Caroline Stevermer
#53. Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.
Norm MacDonald
#54. I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse."
"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse."
"I am your loyal servant and I just did."
"Refusal means death."
"Kill me then.
William Goldman
#55. He had no idea about the 'loving deeply' part. Scarlet was the one love he'd had. They'd married the weekend after they'd discovered they both like sangria. He'd thought they were waltzing through life and it turned out she was line dancing.
Jodi Thomas
#56. Really, Mr. Collins,' cried Elizabeth with some warmth, 'you puzzle me exceedingly. If what I have hitherto said can appear to you in the form of encouragement, I know not how to express my refusal in such a way as to convince you of its being one.
Jane Austen
#57. Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.
Stephen Colbert
#58. A tattoo is permanent; with a marriage you can more easily change your mind.
Carolyn V. Hamilton
#59. Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out.
Paul Murray
#60. There is nothing better than humor to keep a marriage going.
Gloria Estefan
#61. [Jo to her mother] I knew there was mischief brewing. I felt it and now it's worse than I imagined. I just wish I could marry Meg myself, and keep her safe in the family.
Louisa May Alcott
#62. It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half.
Jess C. Scott
#63. The story of my marriage, which is the great joy and astonishment of my life, is too much like a fairy tale, the German kind, unsweetened by Disney.
Ann Patchett
#64. If all I have to do is remain awake to be considered romantic, than I can promise you a great deal of romance in our marriage.
Sherry Thomas
#65. Pardon me for not being willing to commit my entire future to you based on two kisses and a blueberry muffin.
Laura Lee Guhrke
#66. Marriage is the legal method devised to end love without pain.
Tom Morrison
#67. The bride will keep her name and, after considerable negotiation, the groom will, too.
Meg Waite Clayton
#68. Trust, a sense of humor, and don't let the sun go down on an argument without trying to make it up. That's all I know about good marriage. I've been married a long time - it seems to be working.
Stephen King
#69. You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'
Robin Williams
#70. Nothing makes sense, not that much of the world ever did."
Quote from the book: "UnHoly Pursuit: The Devil on My Trail.
A. White
#71. I liked the premise of this material. I love the marriage relationship. They kind of keep each other honest, and they enjoy each other's sense of humor. Kind of a sexy but boring relationship.
Patricia Arquette
#72. To tell the truth, it is regarding the physical side of marriage that I have always been apprehensive...There so seldom seems to be enough of it," said Miss Teatime.
Colin Watson
#73. Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife
Shelley Winters
#74. To see a man's true colours, tell him that you don't plan on having sex with him. To see a woman's true colours, tell her that you don't plan on marrying her.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#75. (Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.)
Stanley Cavell
#76. Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#77. While you're singing something romantic, I can't get the lyrics to 'Love and Marriage' out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#78. Not only is love blind, it's a little hard of hearing.
Brian P. Cleary
#79. The seed of a blue lupin will usually produce a blue lupin. But the seed of a blue-eyed man may produce a brown-eyed bore ... especially if his wife has a taste for gigolos.
Beverley Nichols
#80. I would not wish to marry someone who had already been married. It would be,' she opined, 'like having someone else break in one's own pony.
Neil Gaiman
#81. In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.
Chelsea Handler
#82. Darling, I would follow you through the blackest midnight - just not without my trousers!
Seth Adam Smith
#83. If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.
Colette
#84. When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to understand how Anarchists must feel when the bomb goes off too soon.
P.G. Wodehouse
#86. Romantic love has its place but to define relationship solely in romantic terms is like describing marriage only by what a couple does on their honeymoon.
Dermot Davis
#88. At eleven, Kate woke Jake up when she went searching in the cooler for juice.
"You know, you used to be peaceful," he grumbled.
"I can't believe you were ever married." Kate said, as she cracked the can open. "What did you do, make her stand in the corner all the time?
Jennifer Crusie
#89. It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
Lisa Kleypas
#90. I'm married, honey. My social life consists of work, church, taxiing the kids around and trying to schedule sex with my husband at least once a month.
Marilyn Pappano
#92. Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love life, anyway?
Oh God. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to them and roar, How's your marriage going? Still have sex?
Helen Fielding
#93. When single you are," Roger said, imitating Yoda dispensing advice to Luke, "get laid you can. When married you get, make love you do.
Sean Kennedy
#94. One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.
Oscar Wilde
#95. I do find that humor helps in relationships. It certainly helps in my marriage now because I'm a very, very fallible person. And if I wasn't funny I'd be kicked right out the door.
Robert Mankoff
#96. I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said "That's not what I meant when I said I bought them for you".
Georgia Saratsioti
#97. Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Mae West
#98. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
#99. It's part of the marriage vows. Didn't you read the fine print? To have and to harass.
Rachel Caine
#100. Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twice baked potatoes?
Tara Sivec
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