Top 100 Groucho Marx Quotes
#1. Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
Groucho Marx
#2. I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
Groucho Marx
#3. Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.
Groucho Marx
#4. No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx
#5. I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book ... I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
Groucho Marx
#6. I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
Groucho Marx
#7. It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Groucho Marx
#8. Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills
Groucho Marx
#9. This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.
Groucho Marx
#10. All people are born alike ... except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx
#11. Only if the computers really love each other.
Groucho Marx
#12. With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now
Groucho Marx
#14. Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
Groucho Marx
#15. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
Groucho Marx
#17. I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx
#19. If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
Groucho Marx
#21. Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.
Groucho Marx
#22. I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Groucho Marx
#23. I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.
Groucho Marx
#24. I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy
Groucho Marx
#25. You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way
Groucho Marx
#26. Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Groucho Marx
#27. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
#28. You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar
Groucho Marx
#29. Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
Groucho Marx
#30. I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up
Groucho Marx
#31. Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.
Groucho Marx
#32. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed ... But we're going back next week.
Groucho Marx
#33. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Groucho Marx
#34. A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.
Groucho Marx
#35. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Groucho Marx
#36. She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
Groucho Marx
#37. I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.
Groucho Marx
#38. If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
Groucho Marx
#40. Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.
Groucho Marx
#42. I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx
#43. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Groucho Marx
#44. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx
#45. Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Groucho Marx
#47. Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Groucho Marx
#48. My mother loved children
she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx
#49. I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx
#50. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
Groucho Marx
#52. Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Groucho Marx
#53. I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.
Groucho Marx
#55. Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face
Groucho Marx
#56. The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract
Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?
Groucho Marx
#58. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
Groucho Marx
#59. You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Groucho Marx
#60. How would you like to feel the way she looks
Groucho Marx
#61. My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Groucho Marx
#62. A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.
Groucho Marx
#63. One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
Groucho Marx
#64. It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.
Groucho Marx
#66. Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
Groucho Marx
#67. We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
Groucho Marx
#68. We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.
Groucho Marx
#69. [Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Groucho Marx
#70. He [Harpo] loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.
Groucho Marx
#71. Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman
Groucho Marx
#72. I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.
Groucho Marx
#73. Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
#74. Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
Groucho Marx
#75. I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.
Groucho Marx
#76. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
#77. Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.
Groucho Marx
#78. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.
Groucho Marx
#79. Anything that can't be done in bed isn't worth doing at all.
Groucho Marx
#80. Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Groucho Marx
#81. A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
Groucho Marx
#82. Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.
Groucho Marx
#83. How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
Groucho Marx
#84. A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
Groucho Marx
#85. Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: "The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you." Firefly replies: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."
Groucho Marx
#86. I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.
Groucho Marx
#87. There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx
#88. Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.
Groucho Marx
#89. Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
Groucho Marx
#90. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx
#91. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
#92. And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
Groucho Marx
#93. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
#94. Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Groucho Marx
#95. If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx
#96. One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Groucho Marx
#97. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Groucho Marx
#98. The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx
#99. I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Groucho Marx
#100. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Groucho Marx
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