Top 100 Lois Greiman Quotes
#1. Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.
Lois Greiman
#2. There is none so troubled as one who thinks himself perfectly sane.
Lois Greiman
#3. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Lois Greiman
#5. I don't trust nobody that don't have my name tattooed on her ass, and then it's iffy.
Lois Greiman
#6. Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.
Lois Greiman
#7. Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars.
Lois Greiman
#8. It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.
Lois Greiman
#9. I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.
Lois Greiman
#10. Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.
Lois Greiman
#12. A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.
Lois Greiman
#14. You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.
Lois Greiman
#15. Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same.
Lois Greiman
#16. All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.
Lois Greiman
#17. He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.
Lois Greiman
#18. Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.
Lois Greiman
#19. Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.
Lois Greiman
#20. Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.
Lois Greiman
#23. Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops.
Lois Greiman
#24. Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.
Lois Greiman
#25. Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court.
Lois Greiman
#26. Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.
Lois Greiman
#27. If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.
Lois Greiman
#28. If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.
Lois Greiman
#29. Love is like skydiving without a parachute.
Lois Greiman
#30. I don't care what Cosmo says about exercise improving sex. Some things aren't worth the cost.
Lois Greiman
#31. You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.
Lois Greiman
#32. Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.
Lois Greiman
#33. It ate a party till someone ends up naked.
Lois Greiman
#34. When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.
Lois Greiman
#35. I froze like a startled bunny. Fumbling the disk into my purse, I cut my eyes toward the hallway.
Had I locked the front door?
Of course I had. Only a moron would break into someone's house and forget to lock the door.
Damn it! I'd forgotten to lock the door.
Lois Greiman
#36. Maybe there's no such thing as happily ever after. Maybe okay for now is the best you get.
Lois Greiman
#37. The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.
Lois Greiman
#38. Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.
Lois Greiman
#39. If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?
Lois Greiman
#40. Men, they have the two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, you fix him the burrito. - Rosita Rivera, who was well acquainted with politicians and men
Lois Greiman
#41. A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul.
Lois Greiman
#42. And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.
Lois Greiman
#43. He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy.
Lois Greiman
#44. There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.
Lois Greiman
#45. Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen
Lois Greiman
#46. In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.
Lois Greiman
#47. There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.
Lois Greiman
#48. If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut.
Lois Greiman
#49. In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.
Lois Greiman
#50. There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.
Lois Greiman
#51. Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.
Lois Greiman
#52. A person without regrets is called a corpse.
Lois Greiman
#53. Friends disregard your failures and endure your successes.
Lois Greiman
#54. There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.
Lois Greiman
#55. What if there's no such thing as PMS and this is just my personality?
Lois Greiman
#56. You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.
Lois Greiman
#57. Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.
Lois Greiman
#58. If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.
Lois Greiman
#59. If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.
Lois Greiman
#60. Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.
Lois Greiman
#61. Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?
Lois Greiman
#62. It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.
Lois Greiman
#63. It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.
Lois Greiman
#64. There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.
Lois Greiman
#65. Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air.
Lois Greiman
#66. In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.
Lois Greiman
#68. Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after.
Lois Greiman
#69. When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, "because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead.
Lois Greiman
#70. I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.
Lois Greiman
#71. Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.
Lois Greiman
#72. Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.
Lois Greiman
#73. Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.
Lois Greiman
#74. Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.
Lois Greiman
#75. Tact is for people with too much damned time on their hands.
Lois Greiman
#76. Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.
Lois Greiman
#77. Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts.
Lois Greiman
#78. Sometimes we succeed because of our upbringing, sometimes we do so in spite of it.
Lois Greiman
#79. Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.
Lois Greiman
#81. Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.
Lois Greiman
#83. You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach.
Lois Greiman
#84. You don't need to be smarter; you just need dumber friends.
Lois Greiman
#85. I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.
Lois Greiman
#86. In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.
Lois Greiman
#87. Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.
Lois Greiman
#88. If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.
Lois Greiman
#89. Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.
Lois Greiman
#90. If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it
Lois Greiman
#91. Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.
Lois Greiman
#92. Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.
Lois Greiman
#93. She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.
Lois Greiman
#94. I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.
Lois Greiman
#95. A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.
Lois Greiman
#96. It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.
Lois Greiman
#97. Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster.
Lois Greiman
#98. I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.
Lois Greiman
#99. A pause. It might have been pregnant. I've never been sure how to tell if a silence has conceived or not.
Lois Greiman
#100. I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.
Lois Greiman
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