Top 100 Christopher Moore Quotes
#1. Steady and righteous we may be, my friend, but without courage to risk ourselves for our brother, we are but politicians - blustering whores to rhetoric.
Christopher Moore
#2. Bet he was myrrh," said Josh. "Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me. My mother told me the myrrh went bad after a week too." Did I mention that Joshua was not a myrrh fan?
Christopher Moore
#3. FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read What the Fuck? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters.
Christopher Moore
#4. We looked not at each other, and neither at the ground, but at a place in space a few feet from our faces, where I suppose one looks for a clear answer to appear out of undefined shock.
Christopher Moore
#5. That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.
Christopher Moore
#6. But I have known many women
many women indeed, and it is in their nature to confound us, Othello. They are all by their natures lovely lunatics.
Christopher Moore
#7. I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the sh*t now, wigga!" (I am not incline to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) -Abby
Christopher Moore
#8. On the radio, turned low, Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire.
Christopher Moore
#10. If you come to a river and find a boat at the edge, you will use that boat and it will serve you well, but once across the river, do you put the boat on your shoulders and carry it with you on the rest of your journey?
Christopher Moore
#11. I try to stick to one, single rule, "If you don't have anything to say, shut the fuck up." I think that's in the Bible or something.
Christopher Moore
#12. I wanted a trumpet concerto that reflected Native American music because, well, there aren't any. I looked around for one but couldn't find anything. So it's a wide-open field.
Christopher Moore
#13. Come up here if you have a vision or if you are in trouble." Pokey grabbed a bag from the floor of the truck and handed it to Samson through the window. "There's a blanket in there and some mint
Christopher Moore
#15. As Richard Pryor was to Eddie Murphy, that's what Kurt Vonnegut was to me.
Christopher Moore
#16. Molly stood over the stove, naked, except for a wide sash from which was slung the scabbard for her broadsword at the center of her back, giving the impression that she had won honors in the Miss Nude Random Violence Pageant. Her
Christopher Moore
#19. I so adored her when she let her warrior queen armor fall, and came, silly and giggling, into my arms.
Christopher Moore
#20. Joseph had regained his composure by now. Evidently, once you accept that your wife slept with God, extraordinary events seem sort of commonplace.
Christopher Moore
#22. Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How
Christopher Moore
#23. The noise was like, well, it was like a thousand vampire cats clawing on Plexiglas - it made their teeth hurt.
Christopher Moore
#25. Which isn't, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass.
Christopher Moore
#26. Ninety-five percent of all the species that have ever existed are now extinct, so don't look so goddamn smug. - GERARD RYDER
Christopher Moore
#28. I don't know. I don't really have a plan. I don't even know if she's lucid. I've been on autopilot since I heard. I was waiting for you to get home so I could fall apart.
Christopher Moore
#29. Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
Christopher Moore
#30. It was as if vampirism carried with it a crampless case of rattlesnake PMS.
Christopher Moore
#32. Yeah, that's right, Lash. Because I'm Chinese I have a deep-seated need to nosh house pets. Now why don't you let him in before my inner Chinaman forces me to kung-fu your bitch ass.
Christopher Moore
#33. Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk
Christopher Moore
#34. What the hell good was it to be the Lord of the Underworld if there was fuzz on your underdone toast.
Christopher Moore
#35. Rivera rubbed his temples. "Satan told you to do it?" he said wearily.
"No."
"Elvis?"
"I told you, it's supernatural.
Christopher Moore
#36. We were seekers. You are that which is sought, Joshua. You are the source. The end is divinity, in the beginning is the word. You are the word.
Christopher Moore
#37. A little girl's voice said, "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds!" Audrey held the phone out for Charlie. "It's for you.
Christopher Moore
#38. It's Christmas! Ah, Christmas, the time when all good people go about not decapitating each other.
Christopher Moore
#40. Not yet!" said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.
She honked my codpiece.
You honked my codpiece."
Aye, give it up, fool." [ ... ]
Christopher Moore
#41. You can't teach someone to be funny, but you can teach comic timing. If you listen to a good comic, you can learn how to put it on a page.
Christopher Moore
#42. Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?
Christopher Moore
#44. We'll help," said one boy, his finger far enough up his nose to tickle a memory nesting in his frontal lobe.
Christopher Moore
#45. Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."
Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable.
Christopher Moore
#46. Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him ...
Christopher Moore
#47. Oh yes, I kept all of the abominations at bay while Kaliel played with his favorite sheep behind the bushes.
Christopher Moore
#48. Give in to your passions and they will lead you to the most preposterous conclusions - passions make a fool of reason.
Christopher Moore
#49. He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.
Christopher Moore
#50. They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions.
Christopher Moore
#53. I didn't do anything. I didn't move a thing, I didn't touch a thing, I didn't change a thing. Believers do everything.
Christopher Moore
#54. The little people parted and two of them carried a tray with the head of an animal Wiggley Charlie didn't recognize down an aisle. (It was the head of an opossum, but the o was silent, as often happens with the decapitated.)
Christopher Moore
#55. Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around. So it shall be written.
Christopher Moore
#56. Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff.
Being the Journal of Abby Normal
Christopher Moore
#57. That's what I'm saying, said Charlie, who wasn't saying that at all.
Christopher Moore
#58. [Acknowledgments] I recommend them all for further reading, but when you're finished, you may have to read several of my books and watch a lot of TV just to get stupid enough to function in the modern world again.
Christopher Moore
#59. In the East they taught us that all suffering comes from desire, and that rough beast would stalk me through my life, but on that afternoon, and for a time after, I touched grace.
Christopher Moore
#60. Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light.
Christopher Moore
#61. I'm not afraid of getting into a subject I don't know much about.
Christopher Moore
#62. Oh my God, you're like Obnoxious and Annoying had an ass baby!
Christopher Moore
#63. You are my desire.
Eating your luscious love thoughts
My Junk Just Dropped Off
Christopher Moore
#64. You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong?
Charlie: No, no, I'm okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it's unsettling.
Christopher Moore
#66. You're the one with almost an MBA," Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash. "You should know what to do." "They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker," Lash countered. "That's a whole different program. Political science, I think." Despite
Christopher Moore
#67. He'd replace the window, but the kid was sleeping in his room from now until she was thirty and married to a huge guy with ninja skills.
Christopher Moore
#68. Y'all act like I brought the ladies to the party, but they come on they own, cuz. A door open up out the Underworld, there they is. It's y'all's fault they here. All y'all let shit get so fucked up here they was drawn here like hoes to coke.
Christopher Moore
#69. Isolate 'em. That's why all your loony-toon cult guys have to get their people out in the boonies somewhere where no one can talk any sense into 'em. Just
Christopher Moore
#70. Charlie said, "Mr. Mainheart was pretty broken up." "Well, I guess so," Lily said. "He married a complete fucktard.
Christopher Moore
#71. It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer ... a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale.
Christopher Moore
#72. I am not the blues, I am jazz. I want to be present in the moment, not wallow in it.
Christopher Moore
#75. I fear you may become a lonely man, even in the company of others.
Christopher Moore
#76. It's kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death.
Christopher Moore
#77. *Okay, you make eating hos sound pretty. talk poetry to me, writer boy.*
Christopher Moore
#78. When I teach seminars, I tell people, 'Your stuff has to look like something that's out there, because otherwise nobody will take a chance on you.'
Christopher Moore
#79. Take a moment to catch your breath and revel in your rhetorical mastery and achievement.
Christopher Moore
#80. A thousand years of torture rule, The knave who dares to harm a fool." I
Christopher Moore
#81. [Author's Notes] As I write this, September 2002, much about the humpback song is still unknown. (Although scientists do know that it tends to be found in the New Age music section, as well as in tropical waters ... )
Christopher Moore
#82. This is fucking magic, she thought. This isn't some story out of one of Tommy's books. This isn't something you can experiment with in the bathroom. This is not natural, and whatever I am, it isn't natural. A vampire is magic, not science.
Christopher Moore
#85. Come with us," I said, "and we will make you oarlock makers of men." "What?" said Joshua. "That's what they were doing when we came up. Making an oarlock. Now you see how stupid that sounds?" "It's not the same.
Christopher Moore
#86. ... turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if you're a superhero.
Christopher Moore
#87. The dull always seek to be clever at the fool's expense, to somehow repay him for his cutting wit, but never are they clever, and often they are cruel.
Christopher Moore
#88. It was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husband's graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of God's death.
Christopher Moore
#89. And then I see that the old vampyre is charred like Wile E. Coyote after a bad rocket shoes test.
Christopher Moore
#91. Out came an extraordinarily complex network of plastic, brass, and stainless-steel tubing, which in seconds Kona had assembled into what Quinn thought was either a very small and elegant linear particle accelerator or, more likely, the most complex bong ever constructed.
Christopher Moore
#92. My skin cleared up! I don't have a single zit." -Tommy
Ding, ding, ding," Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer.
Christopher Moore
#93. Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write.
Why me?
Christopher Moore
#94. She glanced over her shoulder to look at the forty-foot cabin cruiser where Captain Tarwater posed on the bow looking like an advertisement for a particularly rigid laundry detergent - Bumstick Go-Be-Bright, perhaps
Christopher Moore
#95. Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration
a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir.
Christopher Moore
#96. But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age."
"I thought you liked redheads."
"I do. What's your point?
Christopher Moore
#97. Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs? -Tommy
Christopher Moore
#98. One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy.
Christopher Moore
#100. I'm not scared, Daddy. I just need some crunchy Cheese Newts up in this bitch.
Christopher Moore
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