Top 100 Chelsea Handler Quotes
#1. As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.
Chelsea Handler
#2. Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That's a unique way to cover up herpes.
Chelsea Handler
#3. For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that aren't necessarily dealing with the same circumstances you're dealing with and don't have the benefit of the health care system or the government that you do.
Chelsea Handler
#4. I don't have a lot of shame. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don't have a lot of guilt, no. I've always been this way. I'm missing a chip.
Chelsea Handler
#5. Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.
Chelsea Handler
#6. Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
Chelsea Handler
#7. This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places ... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Chelsea Handler
#8. I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.
Chelsea Handler
#9. Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know ... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.
Chelsea Handler
#10. Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.
Chelsea Handler
#11. If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.
Chelsea Handler
#12. My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.
Chelsea Handler
#13. It's true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
Chelsea Handler
#14. No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
Chelsea Handler
#15. I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.
Chelsea Handler
#16. I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was a James Franco art exhibit.
Chelsea Handler
#17. We agreed on the basic Brazilian - right after I downed a Vicodin. I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my
Chelsea Handler
#18. I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.
Chelsea Handler
#19. When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
Chelsea Handler
#20. Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Chelsea Handler
#21. A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
Chelsea Handler
#22. I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
Chelsea Handler
#23. Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn't work then that's fine at least then you know it doesn't work. Don't worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
Chelsea Handler
#24. There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
Chelsea Handler
#25. You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.
Chelsea Handler
#26. The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
Chelsea Handler
#27. But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
Chelsea Handler
#28. I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
Chelsea Handler
#29. I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.
Chelsea Handler
#30. We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized
biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first
book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.
Chelsea Handler
#31. When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.
Chelsea Handler
#32. Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.
Chelsea Handler
#33. I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.
Chelsea Handler
#34. I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
Chelsea Handler
#35. I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second ... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
Chelsea Handler
#36. There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
Chelsea Handler
#37. I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.
Chelsea Handler
#38. I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.
Chelsea Handler
#40. We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
Chelsea Handler
#41. I love your personality, I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when a bank teller at Wells Fargo had threatened to put a ten-day hold on a check from my father because my average balance was $3.56.
Chelsea Handler
#42. Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.
Chelsea Handler
#43. Why anyone needed to hold her breath above water was beyond me, but when I make things up, I rarely have a filter.
Chelsea Handler
#44. Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
Chelsea Handler
#45. Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Chelsea Handler
#46. I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.
Chelsea Handler
#47. I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.
Chelsea Handler
#48. Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
Chelsea Handler
#49. According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
Chelsea Handler
#50. I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
Chelsea Handler
#51. I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
Chelsea Handler
#52. Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
Chelsea Handler
#53. I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.
Chelsea Handler
#54. You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
Chelsea Handler
#55. I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.
Chelsea Handler
#56. I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.
Chelsea Handler
#59. I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
Chelsea Handler
#61. You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
Chelsea Handler
#62. Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.
Chelsea Handler
#63. Men are always like, 'You're so intimidating.' I don't find myself to be. But whatever - I'm not going to try to be less intimidating. It's just a matter of finding a guy who's able to deal with it.
Chelsea Handler
#64. If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
Chelsea Handler
#65. I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
Chelsea Handler
#67. The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
Chelsea Handler
#68. There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I'm not sure of myself or I'm like, 'Is this going to work? Is this going to land?'
Chelsea Handler
#69. Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.
Chelsea Handler
#70. The great thing about rejection is that it doesn't matter how many times you get rejected. All that needs to happen is if for one person to tell you 'yes' and then everybody else can go f*** themselves.
Chelsea Handler
#71. I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
Chelsea Handler
#72. The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
Chelsea Handler
#73. I looked around the room trying to think of a situation that could be any worse than this, and decided that the only thing that could be worse than prison was the navy.
Chelsea Handler
#74. My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about - what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
Chelsea Handler
#75. There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
Chelsea Handler
#77. It's just hard to go from seeing elephants living their lives in the wild and not being bothered by humans, to seeing them put in a bunker every night and then being forced to take assholes like us on rides.
Chelsea Handler
#78. She was a hippie teacher who worked in the Peace Corps in Nepal and had hairy underarms. Fucking gross. And that's just concerning the Peace Corps. Brad Wollack
Chelsea Handler
#79. I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.
Chelsea Handler
#80. A Catholic priest who's been sending threatening notes to Conan O'Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
Chelsea Handler
#81. It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
Chelsea Handler
#82. I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.
Chelsea Handler
#83. Something is definitely wrong with my feelings about marriage and procreation. I worry that not only am I missing the chromosome that allows me to dance respectably, but that I am also lacking a conventional vagina.
Chelsea Handler
#84. My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Chelsea Handler
#85. We were greeted by a dark-skinned man who introduced himself as Truth. We introduced ourselves as Honesty, Happiness, Honor, Witness, Serengeti , and Schnitzeldoodle. We didn't find out until later, when we met our tracker called Life, that Truth wasn't joking with us about his name.
Chelsea Handler
#86. She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to cry when getting pulled over
unless you're coming directly from from a crime scene.
Chelsea Handler
#87. According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
Chelsea Handler
#88. I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Chelsea Handler
#89. It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
Chelsea Handler
#90. I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.
Chelsea Handler
#91. David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.
Chelsea Handler
#92. There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'
Chelsea Handler
#93. For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony ...
Chelsea Handler
#94. If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.
Chelsea Handler
#95. Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie's baby shower, and they're serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
Chelsea Handler
#96. I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.
Chelsea Handler
#97. I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
Chelsea Handler
#98. I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.
Chelsea Handler
#99. In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.
Chelsea Handler
#100. Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
Chelsea Handler
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