David Cross Quotes

#1. I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

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#2. I recently attended a pro-drug rally ... in my basement.

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#3. I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

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#4. We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see ... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

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#5. I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are ...

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#6. I'd like to think that I'm not just making the point that I'm an atheist over and over, but that I explore different facets of religion. There's no way of bringing up religion without sounding like an asshole.

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#7. Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

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#8. It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

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#9. The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

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#10. I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

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#11. The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

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#12. As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy.

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#13. Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.

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#14. What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.'

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#15. I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

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#16. I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

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#17. I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.

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#18. You can't just yell jokes at people.

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#19. If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

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#20. So all my friends have kids now ... which I think is rude.

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#21. I'm of the mindset that most people who have kids are, which is, 'Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and I've got really great ideas, and the way I think is the right way to think. Let's put another one of me out there.' So I'll have kids one day.

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#22. I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.

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#23. Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

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#24. We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

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#25. I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational.

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#26. I was born Jewish, but I am an atheist. I dont believe in God.

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#27. I guess the lesson to be learned from the [Catholic] church is that while homosexuality is a sin against GOD, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.

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#28. My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

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#29. I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.

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#30. A verbose, prosaic review which mentions whistling winds and the timeless feeling of jade doesn't mean anything to me; I don't need a novella telling me about how an album is like a fine meal.

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#31. I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

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#32. I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids.

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#33. I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.

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#34. Religion triggers a lot of emotions in me, most of which stem from being raised Jewish in a very Baptist community in the South. I didn't believe any of it from an early age - the clubby quality of whatever religion or church you belonged to, Judaism included. It just struck me as foolish.

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#35. There's quite an overlap between musicians - especially drummers - who have an affection and a proclivity towards comedy and comedians who fantasize about being in a band. And a lot of comics play instruments.

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#36. It's not that I don't have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven't had kids. And I haven't met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I'm attracted to women who aren't ready to make that commitment just yet.

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#37. I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.

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#38. I've never thought of myself as a hoity-toity cultural critic.

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#39. Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

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#40. Most people who have kids are, "Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and I've got really great ideas, and the way I think is the right way to think. Let's put another one of me out there."

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#41. Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

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#42. 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

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#43. If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

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#44. I think I could have a funnier, more economic sets. But that's the comedy I do. And I understand if people aren't interested in it and would rather listen to someone else. But I'll never understand the anger people have toward me.

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#45. Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

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#46. Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.

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#47. I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

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#48. Where my comedy really solidified was when Bush was elected. I couldn't understand how craven and crass he was, and how dumb other people were for electing him.

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#49. I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

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#50. Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

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#51. I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

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#52. I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.

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#53. You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

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#54. I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.

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#55. It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.

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#56. I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.

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#57. High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know ...

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#58. As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy.

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#59. There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.

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#60. There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

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#61. I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

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#62. All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

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#63. When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

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#64. It probably does make it more difficult to enjoy a good laugh at someone who's onstage, seemingly yelling at you. But I'm not yelling at the audience, I'm yelling at the world. It genuinely sucks if people are taking it that way. But I'm not talking to individuals.

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#65. I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

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#66. Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I've always had people upset. I've never been the consummate crowd-pleaser.

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#67. In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes ... you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

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#68. If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation.

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#69. I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

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#70. In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

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#71. You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.

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#72. I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.

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#73. There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.

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#74. I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

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#75. The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

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#76. I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

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#77. I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

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#78. I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

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#79. Ive got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.

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