Jokes About Quotes

#1. I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.

Joan Rivers

#2. And spare me the jokes about scoring."
"Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?"
"It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts."
"So, ninety-five percent of the time.

Cassandra Clare

#3. GreenHollyWood is a bad character, fat, liking jokes, liking jokes about size, about the large, about the how big are you. Likes to laugh when you make a mistake, ... but but he is a teacher?! With a glasses a fat guy!

Deyth Banger

#4. I make some jokes about it, but they're not funny and just add to the depression.

Robert M. Pirsig

#5. Looking back, I remember my family laughing a lot. We were never the kind of people that dwelled on hard times. My family laughs when things are tough. Growing up like that, I got used to making jokes about things that were difficult. So when I started doing stand-up, that's what I went towards.

Cristela Alonzo

#6. Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

Alan King

#7. I don't see anyone avoiding the Stones because DJs make jokes about them being a part of the Geritol set. All it does is make the DJs look stupid.

Joe Perry

#8. I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances.

Brian Regan

#9. Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

Lewis Black

#10. Evolution has programmed our brains to find two things particularly interesting, and therefore memorable: jokes and sex - and especially, it seems, jokes about sex.

Joshua Foer

#11. Tino laughed with him and then asked, "What the hell is up with you? You acted like I murdered your mother today."
"Not funny." Chuito sobered. "Mafia doesn't get to make jokes about murdering my mother.

Kele Moon

#12. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst

Anonymous

#13. I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families.

Maria Shriver

#14. But a system made secure by the protective plating of humor and pretense always runs the risk of having its protection get out of hand. A relationship based on jokes invites jokes; jokes about anything
and jokes about anything are now and then bound to cut too close to the truth.

Ken Kesey

#15. It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.

Jen Kirkman

#16. She knew far too much about him. She knew everything. Like how the royal ladies-in-waiting swapped bawdy jokes about the sad size of the duke's scepter.

Lauren Kate

#17. I have a problem with telling jokes about physics. Quite often the audience have no idea what you are talking about and, to be honest, I don't know what I'm talking about either.

Robin Ince

#18. I used to tell jokes about Internet-enabled lightbulbs. I can't tell jokes about it anymore - there already is an Internet-connected lightbulb.

Vint Cerf

#19. When he wasn't making quirky jokes about his mother like this - it happened more than once - he mainly spoke at me, about his job and about his band, Jettisoned Airplane, an electronic music duo, which had been formed in March, inspired by the plane that had gone missing and not yet been found.

Olivia Sudjic

#20. I was always Armie. There couldn't be a 90-year-old Armand and a 9-day-old one. And I heard enough jokes about baking soda.

Armie Hammer

#21. I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I'm telling a lot of jokes about it.

Doug Benson

#22. What's fascinating about doing comedy about the referendum is, because it is the first time, it is the most extraordinary atmosphere. You find that if you are making jokes about politicians, it becomes intensely political.

Rory Bremner

#23. I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.

Paula Deen

#24. If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

Scott Adams

#25. British?" I tried to explain. "We make jokes about uncomfortable topics to feel less awkward about them?" How Hard Can Love Be? chapter 22

Holly Bourne

#26. I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically.

Sarah Silverman

#27. I'm not sure how anyone with a soul can make jokes about the passing of one of the most talented artists this generation will see.

Samantha Ronson

#28. You know, that pissed me off. We'd traveled half around the world to get to him, and there were monsters chasing us and Naji's curse was impossible to break, and here he was cracking jokes about our professions.

Cassandra Rose Clarke

#29. I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive ... The refrigerator.

Rodney Dangerfield

#30. Every time we make jokes about how jologs someone's school is, we are not insulting the poor student's intellectual abilities but their parents' financial capacity.

Lourd Ernest H. De Veyra

#31. If you're from New Jersey, let people make all those bad jokes about our state. Don't let anyone know how great it is here. It's the best kept secret.

Jon Bon Jovi

#32. You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.

Stephen Colbert

#33. Ever since I was little, people would always make jokes about my low voice. But I think it's so cool that you don't have to have the picture-perfect, girly voice to do an animated film. I think it's great for kids with different voices to know that they could do something like this.

Miley Cyrus

#34. Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

Joan Rivers

#35. Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'

Bill Engvall

#36. You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

Pat Paulsen

#37. As for basic jokes about sex and even my religious stuff, I don't find any problems with that, even if I'm gigging in the Bible Belt, because religious people don't come and see me.

Jim Jefferies

#38. All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

Tui T. Sutherland

#39. How many times in her thirty years had she heard the same remarks, the same feeble jokes about her name?

Haruki Murakami

#40. I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

Johnny Carson

#41. I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

David Letterman

#42. I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."

Jim Gaffigan

#43. I love Los Angeles. I love when people make fun of it. I think, 'Good, don't come.' All the jokes about it feel out of date.

Mary McCormack

#44. Never, never tell jokes about a man with easy access to weapons of mass destruction.

Peter Chernin

#45. I don't care if my opinion falls on the right or the left. I'm more of what I call a passionate centrist. I just believe what I believe. I'm not trying to prove anything for the right or the left. Which gives me freedom to make jokes about either side, too.

Larry Wilmore

#46. Jokes about Crazy Cat Ladies seem harmless enough, but at their core is a disturbing echo of the hysterical witch superstitions of the Middle Age.

Tom Cox

#47. Saddam probably had weapons of mass destruction, and even if he didn't, he was a weapon of mass destruction. A guy I dated my senior year made a lot of jokes about his own weapon of mass destruction, and I was more interested in the guy than I was in the war.

David Burr Gerrard

#48. Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

Craig Ferguson

#49. I keep to a minimum dialect, in-jokes about football (soccer) teams and soap opera characters, so as not to lose North American readers.

Peter Robinson

#50. For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Emo Philips

#51. I suppose I'm going on stage and making jokes about the fact that the audience are expecting the show to be about something and that they might learn something.

Andrew Lawrence

#52. Then the rest of my men and I will make a run for the train tracks." "Not without me guiding you, you're not," Novak said. "Obviously. The jokes about the most dangerous thing in the military being a lieutenant with a map exist for a reason." Cleasby

Larry Correia

#53. I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

Roseanne Barr

#54. There have been so many jokes, about sex and relationships on the "Brady Bunch" set. For some reason, tabloids picked up on this Eve thing. I was on a late-night show and I said, "Oh, yeah, I've kissed her."

Maureen McCormick

#55. The Mexican ... is familiar with death. [He] jokes about it, caresses it, sleeps with it, celebrates it. It is one of his favorite toys and his most steadfast love.

Octavio Paz

#56. The most casual examination will reveal the fact that all the jokes about the horrible results of masculine cooking and sewing are written by men. It is all part of a great scheme of sex propaganda.

Heywood Broun

#57. It is a Lancashire custom to be on the defensive. We anticipate jokes about rain, "bi gum," and Wigan; we expect people to peer at us through the thin layer of smoke they fancy they see around our heads.

Sylvia Lovat Corbridge

#58. They pay thousands and thousands for the Van Goghs and Modiglianis they'd have spat on at the time they were painted. Guffawed at. Made coarse jokes about.

John Fowles

#59. People have lost their sense of humor. In former times, we constantly made jokes about different races.

Clint Eastwood

#60. People make a lot of jokes about the empty nest. Let me tell you, it is no laughing matter. It is really hard.

Michelle Pfeiffer

#61. I have seen so few films in which the sex felt really respected by the filmmaker. Hollywood too often shies away from it or makes adolescent jokes about it ... Sex is only connected to the negative because people are scared of it.

John Cameron Mitchell

#62. Being anti-war in Hollywood was an act of bravery on the order of the keynote speaker at a PLO dinner making jokes about Ariel Sharon.

Ann Coulter

#63. I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

Mark Russell

#64. I like to challenge myself not to be negative, because it's easy to take comedy to a negative place and criticize the outside world. Trying to praise something through comedy or be appreciative and making jokes about it is more challenging than cutting things down.

Kyle Kinane

#65. Shakespeare drew a map of the human mind as clearly as Newton mapped the heavens. Wht is one considered science and the other fir only to be mocked with jokes about pretty girls and drury lane?

Sebastian Faulks

#66. Death isn't funny."
"Then why are there so many jokes about death? Jill, with us - us humans - death is so sad that we must laugh at it.

Robert A. Heinlein

#67. I tend to have a lot of jokes about ex-girlfriends. They always ask me if they will be the subject of a joke, and I always tell them they won't. Unless they do something crazy. They all tend to, so you know where that goes. There are no closed doors. The 'art' will suffer.

Adam DeVine

#68. In a weird way, it's not different from any other kind of joke-telling. You make those calculations about jokes about celebrities: is this a fair hit or not? The stakes were higher because the whole world was crumbling around us, but in terms of joke-telling, it's all about feel.

Michael Schur

#69. It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict.

Mo Rocca

#70. You shouldn't make jokes about these things," she said. "Science doesn't have all the answers, you know."
"It's got all the best questions, though,

Ben Aaronovitch

#71. Plus, I was about to spend six weeks with Christian Ozera. He was sarcastic, difficult, and made jokes about everything. Actually, he was a lot like me.
It was going to be a long six weeks.

Richelle Mead

#72. As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

Joan Rivers

#73. I was hurt so deep that I made up my mind never to hurt anybody else, no matter what. I never made jokes about anybody's big ears, their stut- terin', or about them bein' off their nut.

Jimmy Durante

#74. For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

Jim Gaffigan

#75. Jokes about butts WORKED.

Drew Magary

#76. People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off.

Sanaa Lathan

#77. A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

Daniel Tosh

#78. I don't think you should make so many off-colour jokes about him becoming a cuckold. You're only getting away with it because he doesn't know what it means.' 'That's the beauty of the English language. One can wrap insults inside elegance, like popping anchovies into pastry.

Christopher Fowler

#79. I heard some interesting things about your performance up here."
"I hear interesting things about your 'performance' all the time Doug, but you don't hear me making jokes about it.

Richelle Mead

#80. This was one of the secret jokes about marriage. People turned out to be exactly the opposite of how they'd seemed at first; they then went on changing randomly, as though enacting a hypothesis of unceasing chaos.

Anjali Joseph

#81. I make jokes about the fact that as a neuro-surgeon I shouldn't be required at a motor race because the drivers don't have any brains ... otherwise they wouldn't race.

Sid Watkins

#82. Everybody jokes about that old story about the world only needing five computers, but when you think about it, that's where we're heading.

Matt Mullenweg

#83. I may make jokes about Microsoft at times, but at the same time, I think the Microsoft hatred is a disease.

Linus Torvalds

#84. To me, the highest expression of life is art with jokes. It's very rarified, very difficult to accomplish if you want to be more than just funny and more than just jokes about human gaseousness.

Neil Peart

#85. People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It's obvious I've got big ones and if people want to assume they're not mine, then let them.

Dolly Parton

#86. I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.

Anthony Jeselnik

#87. Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues.

Jim Fowler

#88. Don't make jokes about food.

David Lean

#89. You used to have the jokes about never fixing the roof until it rained. People were undoubtedly the same now, or worse. They might well wait until something happened that forced them to act; that something would almost certainly be unpleasant - most likely, serious. Yet

George R. Stewart

#90. As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

Jon Stewart

#91. There's always a source for humor [in politics]. If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny. So it sort of selects itself. It has to. And plus, often something that wouldn't be funny at the time is okay to make jokes about later.

Calvin Trillin

#92. When I visited Chechnya, I was taken aback at first because people would regularly make jokes about kidnapping me.

Anthony Marra

#93. People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

John Oliver

#94. I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

Jon Stewart

#95. I finally figured out the real difference between irony and satire
irony is when you fry a chicken in batter mixed from its own eggs, and satire is when you crack jokes about it.

Taylor Anderson

#96. You are just jealous," Magnus remarked calmly. "Because you do not have the soul of a true artiste like myself."
"Oh, I am positively green with envy," Ragnor snapped.
"Come now, Ragnor. That's not fair," said Magnus. "You know I love it when you make jokes about your complexion.

Cassandra Clare

#97. Okay, no more jokes about ladybugs making you their bitch.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#98. jokes about arks. The

Stephen King

#99. Last Christmas they sat beside the hearths
Secure, together, cracking roast chestnuts

Or stale jokes about holies and ivies
As red wines cooled down another hot year

Today, even the vines threaten to stream
The streets with banners of another fire.

Jack Mapanje

#100. For starters, let's dispense with the cheap jokes about cannibalism. That means cracks about giving an arm and a leg - sorry - for a good book on the subject, or similar tasteless - sorry, again - attempts to make the subject more palatable - last one.

Mitchell Zuckoff