Top 100 Jon Stewart Quotes
#1. I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.
Jon Stewart
#2. I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.
Jon Stewart
#3. Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart
#4. Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.
Jon Stewart
#5. A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
Jon Stewart
#6. Classroom Activities
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!
Jon Stewart
#7. You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.
Jon Stewart
#8. High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.
Jon Stewart
#9. If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
Jon Stewart
#10. As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.
Jon Stewart
#11. Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.
Jon Stewart
#12. I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?
Jon Stewart
#13. Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.
Jon Stewart
#14. Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
Jon Stewart
#15. You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."
Jon Stewart
#16. When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.
Jon Stewart
#17. We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.
Jon Stewart
#18. President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.
Jon Stewart
#19. If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
Jon Stewart
#20. People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.
Jon Stewart
#21. Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented.
Jon Stewart
#22. Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.
Jon Stewart
#23. The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.
Jon Stewart
#24. A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'
Jon Stewart
#25. I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.
Jon Stewart
#26. I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.
Jon Stewart
#27. I only quote Rabbinical text .. there is no dark secret .. there is no hidden agenda .. I'm merely an arbiter of biblical law.
Jon Stewart
#28. You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.
Jon Stewart
#29. The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
Jon Stewart
#30. Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.
Jon Stewart
#31. If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
Jon Stewart
#32. Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart.".
Jon Stewart
#33. [Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.
Jon Stewart
#34. I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".
Jon Stewart
#35. They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?
Jon Stewart
#36. The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote ... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
Jon Stewart
#37. Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.
Jon Stewart
#38. The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.
Jon Stewart
#39. Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts ...
Jon Stewart
#40. The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust ... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.
Jon Stewart
#41. Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?
Jon Stewart
#42. Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can't, he's adorable.
Jon Stewart
#43. We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.
Jon Stewart
#44. Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case ... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.
Jon Stewart
#45. To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.
Jon Stewart
#46. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.
Jon Stewart
#47. Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
Jon Stewart
#48. They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.
Jon Stewart
#49. If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?
Jon Stewart
#50. I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.
Jon Stewart
#51. In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.
Jon Stewart
#52. In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole.
Jon Stewart
#53. If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem.
Jon Stewart
#54. The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
Jon Stewart
#55. I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.
Jon Stewart
#56. Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'.
Jon Stewart
#57. Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.
Jon Stewart
#58. 'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?
Jon Stewart
#60. Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
Jon Stewart
#61. That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
Jon Stewart
#62. I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
Jon Stewart
#63. I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.
Jon Stewart
#64. [Politicans] are salespeople. Instead of rotisserie ovens they are selling this idea of preemptive war or social-security reforms.
Jon Stewart
#66. President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
Jon Stewart
#67. The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
Jon Stewart
#68. The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Jon Stewart
#69. What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square ... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?"
Jon Stewart
#70. Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office.
Jon Stewart
#71. If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for.
Jon Stewart
#72. More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
Jon Stewart
#73. The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.
Jon Stewart
#74. A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, "When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off."
Jon Stewart
#75. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Jon Stewart
#76. If your world does not include enough access to different people, and their world does not include enough access to you, you are speaking from ignorance.
Jon Stewart
#77. Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.
Jon Stewart
#78. Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.
Jon Stewart
#79. I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They're representing a constituency.
Jon Stewart
#80. If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
Jon Stewart
#81. It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.
Jon Stewart
#82. The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.
Jon Stewart
#83. Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
7/14/09 interview with Peter Mancall, author of Fatal Journey
Jon Stewart
#84. If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?
Jon Stewart
#85. There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.
Jon Stewart
#86. Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When you carry that dream when you know what lonesome is looking for a home like a bird in flight.
Jon Stewart
#87. Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government
Jon Stewart
#88. Ah, the first rule of public speaking
always start with a joke.
Jon Stewart
#89. (Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first.
Jon Stewart
#91. No one is better at not beating America than England.
Jon Stewart
#92. They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking.
Jon Stewart
#93. Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.
Jon Stewart
#94. I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.
Jon Stewart
#95. [He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.
Jon Stewart
#96. Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain
Jon Stewart
#97. Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
Jon Stewart
#98. Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!
Jon Stewart
#99. Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.
Jon Stewart
#100. But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them.
Jon Stewart
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