Top 75 Jen Kirkman Quotes
#1. I think some parents think, 'Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.'
Jen Kirkman
#2. Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.
Jen Kirkman
#3. ... I think that childfree by choice is the new gay. We're the new disenfranchised group. People think we're irresponsible, immoral sluts and that our lifestyle is up for debate.
Jen Kirkman
#4. Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special.
Jen Kirkman
#5. By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.
Jen Kirkman
#6. I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.
Jen Kirkman
#7. tantrum. I don't want to have a baby but sometimes I want to be a baby because it's socially acceptable for them to cry and scream in public.
Jen Kirkman
#8. Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.
Jen Kirkman
#9. I have no interest in saying "This is who I am! This is what I'm like!"
Jen Kirkman
#10. I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.
Jen Kirkman
#11. I find it actually the height of romance to legally bind yourself to someone because you're really taking care of someone, and letting them take care of you. I actually have no cynicism about that.
Jen Kirkman
#12. Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.
Jen Kirkman
#13. It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.
Jen Kirkman
#14. Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.
Jen Kirkman
#15. Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them!
Jen Kirkman
#16. A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being interested; it's me.
Jen Kirkman
#17. It's not that I can't cook. I just don't enjoy cooking. It takes too long and you have to stand there monitoring everything, which doesn't work well for me and my ADHD.
Jen Kirkman
#18. Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.
Jen Kirkman
#19. I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously.
Jen Kirkman
#20. If, for some reason, everyone knew who I was without me having to have my own TV show, that's what I would do. That way, I could do less shows a year.
Jen Kirkman
#21. I want to travel the world and enjoy things, so if you gave me $50 million and said, 'You can never perform again,' I probably would take it and be fine with it.
Jen Kirkman
#22. People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.
Jen Kirkman
#23. What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.
Jen Kirkman
#24. I don't know if I don't believe in monogamy. I think I do believe in it depending on the person or situation or something.
Jen Kirkman
#25. I really will never understand pushing back on comedians who are like, "I'm like a politician campaigning and shaking hands with these people. They're going to be okay."
Jen Kirkman
#26. I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial.
Jen Kirkman
#27. Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.
Jen Kirkman
#28. I don't want to have kids and so I am not going to have kids. People who want kids are going to have kids. I'm doing what I want to do and people who want kids are doing what they want to do. What about this scenario makes me selfish?
Jen Kirkman
#29. My joke is a picture of David Bowie on his balcony in the '70s in a suit in Paris, and unless that's you, I'm not interested. There are very few aesthetic types that I have, and people who look like that are not always necessarily good for me.
Jen Kirkman
#30. I'm really ambitious about is being a really good comic and doing it for the rest of my life and getting really big. Not really famous because I want fame or attention, just a little freedom. So, that's where I'm ambitious.
Jen Kirkman
#31. I thought that's what happened to women: You live alone when you're old.
Jen Kirkman
#32. I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.
Jen Kirkman
#33. Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.
Jen Kirkman
#34. I've always had a thing for guys who make a living doing something in public (with the exception of someone who hands out sandwich shop flyers or dresses up like Pluto at Disney World).
Jen Kirkman
#35. I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion.
Jen Kirkman
#36. Actually, my friendships are changing because my friends have kids, so that's a new aspect to the material. Not just that I don't want to have kids, it's that I'm having a hard time relating to people I know.
Jen Kirkman
#37. Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs.
Jen Kirkman
#38. I wonder if that's the difference between fathers and mothers. I'm friends with people who have kids that are like 5 and under, and they're still in that intense mother-bonding phase. It might just be that. Because the dads haven't changed.
Jen Kirkman
#39. I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.
Jen Kirkman
#40. Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue.
Jen Kirkman
#41. I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, This is the best way for people to find out about me.
Jen Kirkman
#42. We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'
Jen Kirkman
#43. like as long as you're cleaning up some living thing's poop after age thirty, family members really respect that lifestyle choice.
Jen Kirkman
#44. The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.
Jen Kirkman
#46. Parents talk a lot about how much strength and dedication it takes to raise a child. I think it also takes a lot of strength and dedication to carve out a life that doesn't seem normal to anyone else.
Jen Kirkman
#47. Eventually I'm going to be too old to be on camera, and I've been doing stand-up a long time.
Jen Kirkman
#48. People said to me, "You know, when you record a special, you're going to regret it. The one thing you'll regret because you're a comic is you'll think of better tags."
Jen Kirkman
#49. What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage.
Jen Kirkman
#50. Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
Jen Kirkman
#51. A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.
Jen Kirkman
#52. I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.
Jen Kirkman
#53. I am never home, and it's hard to keep up with things that are good for you to have in life like relationships, whether they be romantic or friendship. I have to work twice as hard to make sure I don't just check out. That's what I mean by vulnerability.
Jen Kirkman
#54. I think people with anxiety do different things during different years.
Jen Kirkman
#55. I am just really focused in on what I love doing, but I would be a moron to not take some of my natural talent - I'm not saying I'm that talented, but I have enough acting and writing talent to go.
Jen Kirkman
#56. Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.
Jen Kirkman
#57. If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do.
Jen Kirkman
#58. I think that, for me, my favorite thing to do is perform standup onstage. Everything else I do is for the exposure to do more stand-up onstage, and for the money, and for the health insurance.
Jen Kirkman
#59. As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids.
Jen Kirkman
#60. And perhaps the best reason of all: "Kids? What the fuck am I going to do with a kid?
Jen Kirkman
#61. Whatever my life looks like, I want it to be real and big and full. I want when, if I get hit by a car, I want to know that I have deep and real friendships, people to visit me in the hospital.
Jen Kirkman
#62. I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves.
Jen Kirkman
#63. At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.
Jen Kirkman
#64. Can we all admit that the sound of a kid squealing, even if it's with joy, sounds like squealing? I can angrily press the button on an air horn or I can press the button on an air horn with a sense of carefree fun and either way it sounds like an air horn.
Jen Kirkman
#65. I finally understand that it's okay to be a little afraid of things but that obsessing over them does not mean you have any more control over what you fear.
Jen Kirkman
#66. If I write a joke, sometimes people will call it a 'lie,' and I'm fascinated with that.
Jen Kirkman
#67. The whole notion that I don't appeal to the demographic - all my fans are young men. Someone asked me the other day, "So are your shows just full of 40-year-old single women?" I'm like, "I would be rich if that were true."
Jen Kirkman
#68. I realized that even I have weird intimacy issues with humans - like, I need my friendships to get deeper, I need to be locked in, I need to remember people's names. I know this sounds really stupid, but I just need to be more present in my life.
Jen Kirkman
#69. The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.
Jen Kirkman
#70. Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.
Jen Kirkman
#72. I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week.
Jen Kirkman
#73. If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don't even question your choices before you walk out of the house - you're a fucking weirdo.
Jen Kirkman
#74. I don't have any jokes about my divorce or my ex-husband, who is a lovely person. It really is about how I was an idiot trying to push this guy to get married when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to.
Jen Kirkman
#75. I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.
Jen Kirkman
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