Top 100 Craig Ferguson Quotes
#1. I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.
Craig Ferguson
#2. Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
Craig Ferguson
#3. Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
Craig Ferguson
#5. I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.
Craig Ferguson
#6. Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
Craig Ferguson
#7. Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.
Craig Ferguson
#8. Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.
Craig Ferguson
#10. I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
Craig Ferguson
#11. For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom.
Craig Ferguson
#13. Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
Craig Ferguson
#14. This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true.
In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
Craig Ferguson
#16. I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
Craig Ferguson
#17. If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.
Craig Ferguson
#18. Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
Craig Ferguson
#19. It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.
Craig Ferguson
#20. There is a scene in the movie where Astrid and Hiccup fly on Toothless's back toward the island of Berk. The animation is intensely real, from the waves on the sea to wisps of wind blowing in the characters' hair. The feeling I get watching that scene is why I fly - just for that feeling.
Craig Ferguson
#21. Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
Craig Ferguson
#22. I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.
Craig Ferguson
#23. People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
Craig Ferguson
#24. I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.
Whoever I had become had to die.
Craig Ferguson
#25. The term Big Brother is from George Orwell's book 1984 - where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like Creepy Uncle?
Craig Ferguson
#26. Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.
Craig Ferguson
#27. Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
Craig Ferguson
#28. I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.
Craig Ferguson
#29. You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
Craig Ferguson
#31. Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King.
Craig Ferguson
#32. Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.
Craig Ferguson
#33. Sober alkies are often asked: When did you hit rock bottom? but a more informed question might be: How many times did you hit rock bottom?
Craig Ferguson
#34. I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.
Craig Ferguson
#35. It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
Craig Ferguson
#36. I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
Craig Ferguson
#37. I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
Craig Ferguson
#38. I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.
Craig Ferguson
#39. People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
Craig Ferguson
#40. I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
Craig Ferguson
#41. Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till
the gorilla's done.
Craig Ferguson
#42. That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
Craig Ferguson
#43. The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.
Craig Ferguson
#44. I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
Craig Ferguson
#45. According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.
Craig Ferguson
#46. Sometimes people think you're smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.
Craig Ferguson
#47. Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
Craig Ferguson
#48. The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
Craig Ferguson
#49. I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.
Craig Ferguson
#50. Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
Craig Ferguson
#51. The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
Craig Ferguson
#54. There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
Craig Ferguson
#55. You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
Craig Ferguson
#56. That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
Craig Ferguson
#57. Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.
Craig Ferguson
#58. I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Craig Ferguson
#59. I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
Craig Ferguson
#60. The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
Craig Ferguson
#61. Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.
Craig Ferguson
#62. From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Craig Ferguson
#63. It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
Craig Ferguson
#64. Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.
Craig Ferguson
#65. A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
Craig Ferguson
#66. It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats.
Craig Ferguson
#67. I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
Craig Ferguson
#68. Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me.
Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.
Craig Ferguson
#69. If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
Craig Ferguson
#70. Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
Craig Ferguson
#72. Ros was dead.
He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
Craig Ferguson
#73. Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.
Craig Ferguson
#74. I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
Craig Ferguson
#76. Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.
Craig Ferguson
#77. Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.
She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance.
Craig Ferguson
#78. I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
Craig Ferguson
#79. Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.
Craig Ferguson
#80. Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
Craig Ferguson
#81. My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
Craig Ferguson
#82. The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'
Craig Ferguson
#83. Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.
Craig Ferguson
#84. I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
Craig Ferguson
#85. After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
Craig Ferguson
#86. I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time ... Its Free!
Craig Ferguson
#87. When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.
Craig Ferguson
#88. The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.
Craig Ferguson
#89. Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.
Craig Ferguson
#90. Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on 'American Idol.'
Craig Ferguson
#91. There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.
Craig Ferguson
#92. Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
Craig Ferguson
#93. North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.
Craig Ferguson
#94. The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.
Craig Ferguson
#95. President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.
Craig Ferguson
#96. I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
Craig Ferguson
#97. Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.
Craig Ferguson
#98. Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.
Craig Ferguson
#99. Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.
Craig Ferguson
#100. Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis.
Craig Ferguson
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