Top 100 Jim Gaffigan Quotes
#1. I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
Jim Gaffigan
#2. I reached a point in my life where I didn't really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I had children, and yet there was frustration.
Jim Gaffigan
#3. Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
Jim Gaffigan
#4. Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan
#5. Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
Jim Gaffigan
#6. Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
Jim Gaffigan
#7. I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
Jim Gaffigan
#8. You've grown tired of your four-year-old pointing to words and asking, "What does this say?" Apparently it's not okay to respond to them with, "It says, 'Learn how to read.'
Jim Gaffigan
#9. I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.
Jim Gaffigan
#10. There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
Jim Gaffigan
#11. I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
Jim Gaffigan
#12. I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
Jim Gaffigan
#13. There's a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of people wanting you to do things.
Jim Gaffigan
#14. You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
Jim Gaffigan
#15. Judging other people says more about you than about the person you're judging. Except of course when you're judging people with too many cats. And by that, I mean more than one cat. Those people are completely bonkers and should be locked up.
Jim Gaffigan
#16. "I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody
Jim Gaffigan
#17. Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
Jim Gaffigan
#18. Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate ... being alone.
Jim Gaffigan
#19. It is probably easier to land a quadruple jump in ice-skating than to get my five children to depart our home in a timely manner. Everyone knows leaving anywhere with a large group is extremely difficult. I don't know how Moses did it.
Jim Gaffigan
#20. My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself ... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.
Jim Gaffigan
#21. I had never fought in the Vietnam War and had dinner in Paris on the same day. I had no context to understand the casualties or the romance a parent feels on the same day.
Jim Gaffigan
#22. I've been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I identify a topic like, say, seafood, which is a big one right now, it's like there are different kinds of tangents I can go on to build a larger chunk.
Jim Gaffigan
#23. Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
Jim Gaffigan
#24. Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
Jim Gaffigan
#25. I had put a shower curtain on the floor, covered the couches and our new flat-screen TV with garbage bags. The midwife asked, "What do you think is going to happen in here?" I never said I was smart.
Jim Gaffigan
#26. Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings ... and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
Jim Gaffigan
#27. If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."
Jim Gaffigan
#28. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy. Toddlers
Jim Gaffigan
#29. The Thanksgiving tradition is, we gorge. Hey, what about at Thanksgiving we simply consume a considerable measure? However we do that consistently! Goodness. Imagine a scenario where we consume a ton with individuals who pester the heck out of us.
Jim Gaffigan
#30. I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.
Jim Gaffigan
#31. I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.
Jim Gaffigan
#32. For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.
Jim Gaffigan
#33. The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."
Jim Gaffigan
#35. My advice to you, dear reader, is to eat well and eat frequently. Our time here is pretty short. It's filled with disappointments and drama, and food can make it better.
Jim Gaffigan
#36. I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.
Jim Gaffigan
#37. What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
Jim Gaffigan
#38. I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."
Jim Gaffigan
#39. I prefer the Chinese restaurants that have the silverware on the table when you arrive, because there's nothing more humiliating than starting with chopsticks and having to turn to the waiter and being like, Uh, yeah, hi, uh, I'm too white. Do you have a shovel back there?
Jim Gaffigan
#40. You can never look that tough in glasses ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
Jim Gaffigan
#41. I have done extensive research and, almost universally, found that the people who view my blurbs and observations as "anti-family" are dicks.
Jim Gaffigan
#42. I always seem to be chosen to do very flattering things like the beard comb over or go to the bathroom with the door open on Sex and the City or be the guy people meow at in Super Troopers. It's great for self esteem.
Jim Gaffigan
#43. Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
Jim Gaffigan
#44. "Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn't it be hysterical if we went bowling?"
Jim Gaffigan
#45. I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
Jim Gaffigan
#46. If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'
Jim Gaffigan
#47. Parents of young children are always acting. You act excited to read a story for the five-hundredth time. You act impressed someone went to the bathroom on the toilet. The excitement I show to some of the children's scribbles should get me a Golden Globe nomination.
Jim Gaffigan
#48. George Washington ordered his Thai food on a laptop? Of course not. He called on the phone and dealt with the person who didn't speak English because he was a patriot.
Jim Gaffigan
#49. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
Jim Gaffigan
#50. It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.
Jim Gaffigan
#51. I don't have any delusions. I'm not a novelist - I'm a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it's pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.
Jim Gaffigan
#52. I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
Jim Gaffigan
#53. It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
Jim Gaffigan
#54. I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."
Jim Gaffigan
#55. Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."
Jim Gaffigan
#56. The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
Jim Gaffigan
#57. Fat people know the consequences of eating, but if the food is good enough, they just don't care.
Jim Gaffigan
#58. I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat (would-be hecklers) to the punch.
Jim Gaffigan
#59. When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.
Jim Gaffigan
#60. I don't have an insatiable desire to discover what makes something taste good or to find exotic combinations. I guess I'm not that bored.
Jim Gaffigan
#61. Let me be clear. I love all animals. I love to pet them. I love to eat them.
Jim Gaffigan
#62. My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
Jim Gaffigan
#63. I can't stop eating. I can't. I haven't been hungry in twelve years.
Jim Gaffigan
#64. I like to think coffee comes from beans; therefore, it's a vegetable.
Jim Gaffigan
#65. There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."
Jim Gaffigan
#66. I treat my body like a temple. A temple of doom, but a temple nonetheless.
Jim Gaffigan
#67. Once your baby starts to walk you'll realize why cribs are designed like prisons from the early 1900s. This is clearly because toddlers are a danger to themselves. The main responsibility for a parent of a toddler is to stop them from accidentally hurting or killing themselves.
Jim Gaffigan
#68. Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.
Jim Gaffigan
#69. I'm not offended, but the implication that all improper behavior is the result of what I do for a living is rather absurd. As if a chatty five-year-old with a librarian mom would be a red flag. We expected your child to just sit behind her desk and shush people. Maybe she needs Ritalin.
Jim Gaffigan
#70. I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."
Jim Gaffigan
#71. I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up..it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
Jim Gaffigan
#72. When I'm with all my little ones, people with grown or teenage children always tell me, "You're going to miss this." I have to assume they are talking about my children being young and not the conversation I'm having with them, because I am not going to miss people giving me advice about children.
Jim Gaffigan
#73. When you hear bacon cooking ... that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking ... that's applause.
Jim Gaffigan
#74. I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
Jim Gaffigan
#75. I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
Jim Gaffigan
#76. Have you ever noticed that the children's menu is exactly the same as the bar menu? Burger, hot dog, pizza. If you put the children's menu at the bar, people wouldn't even notice. Oh, cool. I can color in an airplane while I drink this beer and wait for my chicken strips.
Jim Gaffigan
#77. As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'
Jim Gaffigan
#78. I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
Jim Gaffigan
#79. The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
Jim Gaffigan
#80. Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!
Jim Gaffigan
#81. Now there are adults without children who go to Disney, and they are called weirdos. Very nice people. Absolutely crazy.
Jim Gaffigan
#82. Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of "Take care of yourself first" is no longer logical to a sane person if your baby wakes up hungry in the middle of the night.
Jim Gaffigan
#83. Whenever I travel with my young children, I'm always reminded of an important travel lesson: Never travel with my young children.
Jim Gaffigan
#84. You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
Jim Gaffigan
#85. I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana ... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'
Jim Gaffigan
#86. He's not going to sell any of those caps. He should just let the monkeys keep them. They are the only ones that want them anyway.
Jim Gaffigan
#87. How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
Jim Gaffigan
#88. The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
Jim Gaffigan
#89. Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
Jim Gaffigan
#90. If you've never been to a Catholic Mass, don't worry, it's still going on, you still have time to catch it.
Jim Gaffigan
#92. A good friend of ours has three cats in her studio apartment and asked me, "Can you tell that I have cats?" I replied, "No, but I can tell you have a box of turds in your living room.
Jim Gaffigan
#93. Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: "Well, that's a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I'm doing." I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.
Jim Gaffigan
#94. Squeeze some lemon on it, a dab of hot sauce, throw the oyster down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka, and try to forget you just ate snot from a rock.
Jim Gaffigan
#96. Look, you lost a tooth. Congratulations. Enjoy looking like a hillbilly. Here's a dollar,
Jim Gaffigan
#97. Leaving the house in general really doesn't mix with toddlers, but long lines just indicate poor parental planning and judgment.
Jim Gaffigan
#98. My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
Jim Gaffigan
#99. Organic is probably the biggest scam of the century. For those of you unfamiliar with it, organic is a grocery term for more expensive.
Jim Gaffigan
#100. My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.
Jim Gaffigan
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