Top 95 Amy Schumer Quotes
#1. Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there's room for all of us.
Amy Schumer
#2. She made my favorite breakfast and recruited me to be the cheerleader of her mistake.
Amy Schumer
#3. I'm glad I struggled. I think I'd be an asshole if my money were anything other than the "new" kind.
Amy Schumer
#4. My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.
Amy Schumer
#5. The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!
Amy Schumer
#6. RIDER FOR THE FUNERAL OF AMY SCHUMER: . . . The actual body of AMY SCHUMER should be propped up on a chair in the northwest corner of the room, wearing aviator sunglasses and her trusted snow hat that reads, 'No Coffee, No Workee," a motto in life that she will continue to stand by in the afterlife.
Amy Schumer
#7. I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or they'll never make it to the next level.
Amy Schumer
#8. The saddest revelation I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people.
Amy Schumer
#9. I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea
he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
Amy Schumer
#10. To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.
Amy Schumer
#11. I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
Amy Schumer
#12. I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.
Amy Schumer
#13. Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere.
Amy Schumer
#14. tactics for negotiating with adults. I came on pretty strong at my friends' houses because
Amy Schumer
#15. I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
Amy Schumer
#16. I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
Amy Schumer
#17. I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
Amy Schumer
#18. I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them.
Amy Schumer
#19. Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.
Amy Schumer
#20. My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.
Amy Schumer
#21. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
Amy Schumer
#22. I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Amy Schumer
#23. Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?
Amy Schumer
#25. I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
Amy Schumer
#26. I am not special just because I'm famous right now.
Amy Schumer
#27. It's relaxing sometimes, just being human.
Amy Schumer
#28. Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?
Amy Schumer
#29. You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
Amy Schumer
#30. The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first. And I've gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it.
Amy Schumer
#31. We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Amy Schumer
#32. My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.
Amy Schumer
#33. What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this "problem" for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it.
Amy Schumer
#34. I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
Amy Schumer
#35. I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
Amy Schumer
#36. My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.
Amy Schumer
#37. My mom's always saying really smart things ... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
Amy Schumer
#38. The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
Amy Schumer
#39. If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them - like the sun.
Amy Schumer
#40. I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.
Amy Schumer
#41. Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
Amy Schumer
#42. He was really into family ... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
Amy Schumer
#43. Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
Amy Schumer
#44. I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
Amy Schumer
#45. To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
Amy Schumer
#46. I don't know how introverts survived without the Internet. Or with the Internet. Actually, I don't know how we survive at all. It feels impossible.
Amy Schumer
#48. I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?
Amy Schumer
#49. I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
Amy Schumer
#50. We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can.
Amy Schumer
#51. You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.
Amy Schumer
#52. He presented to the world the facade of a certain kind of man who wasn't really there.
Amy Schumer
#53. Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.
Amy Schumer
#54. I would be like the third-hottest bartender at a Dave & Buster's in Cincinnati.
Amy Schumer
#55. It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?
Amy Schumer
#56. I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
Amy Schumer
#57. I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.
Amy Schumer
#58. The saddest realization I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.
Amy Schumer
#59. It's hard out there for a fuzzy little introvert.
Amy Schumer
#60. The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
Amy Schumer
#61. Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright.
Amy Schumer
#62. I'm a real woman who digests her meals and breaks out and has sweet little pockets of cellulite on her upper thighs that she's not apologizing for. Because guess what? We all have that shit. We're all human beings.
Amy Schumer
#63. I'm sure in the past I've said marriage is stupid. Marriage makes someone sign a contract promising something they really can't deliver. I'm sure I will again say marriage is dumb. But I can also imagine why it could be lovely. There's something beautiful about truly being there for another person.
Amy Schumer
#64. First of all, nobody can be innocent and wise at the same time. That's another one of those impossible combinations.
Amy Schumer
#65. I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.
Amy Schumer
#66. I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!
Amy Schumer
#67. Looking back now, I'm horrified that she let me play that role. To allow your thirteen-year-old to be your support system while you are simultaneously ripping her world apart is not a kind thing to do. I
Amy Schumer
#68. My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
Amy Schumer
#69. I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
Amy Schumer
#70. I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.
Amy Schumer
#71. You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
Amy Schumer
#72. My sister tested my IQ when she was getting her master's degree in school psychology and I tested as a genius in half the categories and nearly cognitively impaired in the other half.
Amy Schumer
#73. I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
Amy Schumer
#74. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
Amy Schumer
#75. I've done some things I'm embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they're unsure about.
Amy Schumer
#76. I'm not bulletproof, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. As women, we relive our fears all the time, despite our best efforts to build each other up and truly love ourselves. It happens.
Amy Schumer
#77. I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
Amy Schumer
#78. Social media is a great tool for all of us introverts and decent people alike as it speeds up the time between thinking someone is great and realizing they're the worst. I
Amy Schumer
#79. women in America are eleven times more likely to be murdered with guns than women in other developed nations. In the eighteen states that require background checks for all handgun sales, 46 percent fewer women are shot and killed by intimate partners than in the states that do not.
Amy Schumer
#80. Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.
Amy Schumer
#81. I don't even want to know someone who isn't barely hanging on by a thread.
Amy Schumer
#82. She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
Amy Schumer
#83. The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
Amy Schumer
#84. I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.
Amy Schumer
#85. It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!
Amy Schumer
#86. The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.
Amy Schumer
#87. He rose grumpily, fell to the floor, and crawled. I looked at his exposed butt crack, a dark unkempt abyss that I was falling into. I was short of breath. I felt paralyzed. His asshole was a canyon. This was my 127 hours. I needed to chip away at the rock and get out.
Amy Schumer
#88. I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
Amy Schumer
#89. I completely identify as female, believe it or not.
Amy Schumer
#90. Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
Amy Schumer
#91. I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
Amy Schumer
#92. I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
Amy Schumer
#93. I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.
Amy Schumer
#94. I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
Amy Schumer
#95. You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.
Amy Schumer
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