Top 100 Roseanne Barr Quotes
#1. Politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.
Roseanne Barr
#2. I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.
Roseanne Barr
#3. I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.
Roseanne Barr
#4. I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'
Roseanne Barr
#5. I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!
Roseanne Barr
#6. Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.
Roseanne Barr
#7. This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.
Roseanne Barr
#8. I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
Roseanne Barr
#9. Illiteracy is a huge problem in America. One in three adults in our country is illiterate.
Roseanne Barr
#10. Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
Roseanne Barr
#11. In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.
Roseanne Barr
#12. I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
Roseanne Barr
#13. The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne Barr
#14. I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
Roseanne Barr
#15. I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.
Roseanne Barr
#16. It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Roseanne Barr
#17. I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.
Roseanne Barr
#18. I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.
Roseanne Barr
#19. I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.
Roseanne Barr
#21. Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.
Roseanne Barr
#22. I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.
Roseanne Barr
#23. You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.
Roseanne Barr
#24. I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.
Roseanne Barr
#25. Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.
Roseanne Barr
#26. As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
Roseanne Barr
#27. You're only seventeen, you're too young to have a meatloaf recipe ... go get something pierced.
Roseanne Barr
#28. I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people ... That's why I don't like any of them.
Roseanne Barr
#29. There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.
Roseanne Barr
#30. I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'
Roseanne Barr
#31. Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
Roseanne Barr
#32. A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.
Roseanne Barr
#33. You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'
Roseanne Barr
#34. I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful.
Roseanne Barr
#35. A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?
Roseanne Barr
#36. Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.
Roseanne Barr
#37. There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.
Roseanne Barr
#38. I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show.
Roseanne Barr
#39. I want to be the girl in Indiana Jones. I would love to do an adventure movie where I was saving the world. It might be cool if I used a lot of kitchen tools to fight off the enemy.
Roseanne Barr
#40. I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.
Roseanne Barr
#41. The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
Roseanne Barr
#42. My dad taught me swears when I was a toddler, and I saw, at a really early age, that if I shocked people, I would get approval, and it made my arms itch with glee. I got addicted to it. It became this source of power in a totally powerless life.
Roseanne Barr
#43. I hate alcoholics and AA (alcoholics anonymous). If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze.
Roseanne Barr
#44. I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.
Roseanne Barr
#45. You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.
Roseanne Barr
#46. I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.
Roseanne Barr
#47. I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place.
Roseanne Barr
#49. I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish.
Roseanne Barr
#50. Putting measures like gay marriage on ballots for elections only hurts the gay rights cause and elects more conservative politicians.
Roseanne Barr
#51. I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
Roseanne Barr
#52. We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
Roseanne Barr
#53. I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.
Roseanne Barr
#55. My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.
Roseanne Barr
#56. My family were hitters. If you made them laugh, they didn't hit you. My dad wouldn't hit me if I got him with humor right between the eyes.
Roseanne Barr
#57. The basic thing is, people want to get paid, so they'll say the things that get them paid, in entertainment or politics.
Roseanne Barr
#58. I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.
Roseanne Barr
#59. It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't.
Roseanne Barr
#60. A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
Roseanne Barr
#61. Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem!
Roseanne Barr
#62. I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world.
Roseanne Barr
#63. Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting.
Roseanne Barr
#64. Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.
Roseanne Barr
#65. Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.
Roseanne Barr
#66. I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone.
Roseanne Barr
#67. They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!
Roseanne Barr
#68. It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.
Roseanne Barr
#69. I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.
Roseanne Barr
#70. I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!
Roseanne Barr
#71. I have great parents, and they both taught me great things, but my formative years were boundaryless.
Roseanne Barr
#72. Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.
Roseanne Barr
#73. A lot of people who are actors and artists who work in Hollywood come from a background of abuse, and you can make abused people very fearful and they'll do what they're told. Hollywood definitely has a point of view that it sells.
Roseanne Barr
#74. Don't call people names you dirty name caller you.
Roseanne Barr
#75. My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.
Roseanne Barr
#76. It's a big culture of mind control too, MK-Ultra mind control rules in Hollywood. If you don't know that, google it and look into it. It's really hard for artists to find their voice in the media. It's levels of brainwashing and mind control.
Roseanne Barr
#77. I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.
Roseanne Barr
#78. To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
Roseanne Barr
#79. There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.
Roseanne Barr
#80. My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.
Roseanne Barr
#81. I have horrible stage fright - you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and perform, but then you're not funny at all.
Roseanne Barr
#83. I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously.
Roseanne Barr
#84. I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.
Roseanne Barr
#85. You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.
Roseanne Barr
#86. If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.
Roseanne Barr
#87. I got, like, Diane Keaton's manager, and she was very connected; she had power. And she was like, "Your star is in tears on this comedy. Do you even notice that at all?"
Roseanne Barr
#88. I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.
Roseanne Barr
#89. My parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.
Roseanne Barr
#90. You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship.
Roseanne Barr
#91. Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.
Roseanne Barr
#92. Once you get away from wanting to get paid, you can actually say some true things.
Roseanne Barr
#93. When I was little, that was one thing that I was told in a vision: I was going to have my own show when I grew up. And it's going to be funny.
Roseanne Barr
#94. Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones.
Roseanne Barr
#95. Whatever helps you sleep is my opinion on the subject, and that's what I like about the western world's most popular religion, it has helped put so many people to sleep, although most of them permanently and without their approval.
Roseanne Barr
#96. US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.
Roseanne Barr
#97. You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.
Roseanne Barr
#98. Impeach the President and the Vice President, they are traitors to America, and so are all of their supporters. Impeach! Anyone in congress who refuses to save our union from these traitors by doing nothing needs to be recalled.
Roseanne Barr
#99. Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.
Roseanne Barr
#100. I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.
Roseanne Barr
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