Top 100 Johnny Carson Quotes

#1. People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1038
#2. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #30803
#3. I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #65450
#4. You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience; so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #76090
#5. I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #89617
#6. I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself ... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #129506
#7. I don't run with anybody's herd. I don't like crowds. I don't like going to fancy places. I don't like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #154966
#8. I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #158922
#9. Only lie about the future.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #163759
#10. Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #165792
#11. Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #177610
#12. NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #189590
#13. I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #201889
#14. Like their parents, kids flock to see James Bond and Derek Flint movies - outrageously antiheroic heroes who break all the taboos, making attractive the very things the kids are told they shouldn't do themselves.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #208778
#15. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #210434
#16. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #244646
#17. Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #260996
#18. George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #281968
#19. The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #317001
#20. Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #339268
#21. Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #342843
#22. Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #348010
#23. I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #349289
#24. I play my life straight - the way I see it. I'm grateful to audiences for watching me and for enjoying what I do - but I'm not one of those who believe that a successful entertainer is made by the public, as is so often said.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #376038
#25. I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #378992
#26. As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #392776
#27. I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #394852
#28. The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #414339
#29. The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #417736
#30. Who cares what entertainers on the air think about international affairs? Who would want to hear me about Vietnam? They can hear all they want from people with reason to be respected as knowledgeable.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #419773
#31. The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #449349
#32. I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #480283
#33. Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #490291
#34. I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #500733
#35. Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #521677
#36. If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #533991
#37. I can't go anywhere without being bugged by somebody. I'd love to just hike out down the street, or drop in a restaurant, or wander in the park, or take my kids somewhere without collecting a trail of people. But I can't.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #546541
#38. Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #562602
#39. Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #601674
#40. I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #625005
#41. I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #626031
#42. If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #626904
#43. Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #659175
#44. We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #683026
#45. I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #694419
#46. If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #705336
#47. As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #712233
#48. People pay more to be entertained that educated

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #723375
#49. Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #766598
#50. I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #774627
#51. Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #832249
#52. Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #834233
#53. When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #844283
#54. Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #861296
#55. My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #878152
#56. What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #885705
#57. According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #901825
#58. Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #911716
#59. The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #927997
#60. I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #936059
#61. Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #958838
#62. Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1005882
#63. Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1008259
#64. Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1010322
#65. In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1050595
#66. A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1069959
#67. People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1096832
#68. As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1160628
#69. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1161268
#70. People are brought up to think, "It's nice to be modest. It's nice to hide your light under a bushel." Well, bullshit! I've never bought that. In my business, the only thing you've really got is your talent; it's the only thing you have to sell.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1166340
#71. Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1233707
#72. Desire! That's the one secret of every man's career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1307487
#73. Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1309861
#74. I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1337588
#75. I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1344622
#76. There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1365734
#77. The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1387132
#78. I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1422420
#79. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1428723
#80. Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1440566
#81. Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1446667
#82. An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1463311
#83. Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1480305
#84. Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1504119
#85. I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1561776
#86. We're more effective than birth control pills.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1602269
#87. In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1610969
#88. Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1628004
#89. He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1632429
#90. The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1644741
#91. When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1755979
#92. May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1782114
#93. The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1807975
#94. Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1816465
#95. There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1839963
#96. From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1845987
#97. We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1863032
#98. Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1865464
#99. How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1873767
#100. I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson Quotes #1874370

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