Top 100 Lewis Black Quotes
#1. I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.
Lewis Black
#2. If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.
Lewis Black
#3. I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.
Lewis Black
#4. You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
Lewis Black
#5. Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.
Lewis Black
#6. Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel.
Lewis Black
#7. See ... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall ... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.
Lewis Black
#8. How our government works ... it doesn't.
Lewis Black
#9. There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.
Lewis Black
#10. Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.
Lewis Black
#11. The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
Lewis Black
#12. Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.
Lewis Black
#13. I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
Lewis Black
#14. These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!
Lewis Black
#15. I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
Lewis Black
#16. Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
Lewis Black
#17. Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'
Lewis Black
#18. When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
Lewis Black
#19. In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
Lewis Black
#20. Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.
Lewis Black
#21. I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.
Lewis Black
#22. Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.
Lewis Black
#23. A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
Lewis Black
#24. Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
Lewis Black
#25. I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
Lewis Black
#26. I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there's been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are really the ones that give me hope. There's so much of "they don't know this, and they don't know that," and they're always denigrating.
Lewis Black
#27. Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.
Lewis Black
#28. I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
Lewis Black
#29. Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'
Lewis Black
#30. If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.
Lewis Black
#31. I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.
Lewis Black
#32. I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
Lewis Black
#33. Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."
Lewis Black
#34. I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather ... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.
Lewis Black
#35. Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
Lewis Black
#36. North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
Lewis Black
#37. Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.
Lewis Black
#40. I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.
Lewis Black
#41. Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.
Lewis Black
#42. You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does ... it's illegal.
Lewis Black
#43. There are two things I know about life ... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.
Lewis Black
#44. And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
Lewis Black
#45. I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.
Lewis Black
#46. That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
Lewis Black
#47. Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have.
Lewis Black
#48. If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.
Lewis Black
#49. The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.
Lewis Black
#50. You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.
Lewis Black
#51. I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.
Lewis Black
#52. They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.
Lewis Black
#53. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.
Lewis Black
#54. If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
Lewis Black
#55. Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.
Lewis Black
#56. My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.
Lewis Black
#57. I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.
Lewis Black
#58. When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.
Lewis Black
#59. A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!
Lewis Black
#60. It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.
Lewis Black
#61. I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.
Lewis Black
#62. Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
Lewis Black
#63. If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.
Lewis Black
#64. I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.
Lewis Black
#65. I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.
Lewis Black
#66. The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.
Lewis Black
#67. In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.
Lewis Black
#68. I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.
Lewis Black
#69. When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.
Lewis Black
#70. Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
Lewis Black
#71. If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween ... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
Lewis Black
#72. You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.
Lewis Black
#73. What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
Lewis Black
#74. Everybody's family has different values.
Lewis Black
#75. Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we ... are all like snowflakes.
Lewis Black
#76. The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." These people have nothing, so you have to share.
Lewis Black
#77. Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!
Lewis Black
#78. The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.
Lewis Black
#80. I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.
Lewis Black
#81. Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
Lewis Black
#82. Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.
Lewis Black
#83. If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
Lewis Black
#84. When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
Lewis Black
#86. I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
Lewis Black
#87. I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.
Lewis Black
#88. Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.
Lewis Black
#90. I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
Lewis Black
#91. I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.
Lewis Black
#92. My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
Lewis Black
#93. Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
Lewis Black
#94. My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.
Lewis Black
#95. Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
Lewis Black
#96. Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers ... they are obviously alcoholics.
Lewis Black
#97. The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.
Lewis Black
#98. What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.
Lewis Black
#99. You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.
Lewis Black
#100. I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
Lewis Black
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