Top 100 David Letterman Quotes
#1. President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.
David Letterman
#2. But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.
David Letterman
#3. Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.
David Letterman
#4. Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
David Letterman
#5. I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
David Letterman
#6. Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.
David Letterman
#7. Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
David Letterman
#8. Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.
David Letterman
#9. A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
David Letterman
#10. The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'
David Letterman
#11. Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.
David Letterman
#12. According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
David Letterman
#13. Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
David Letterman
#14. There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.
David Letterman
#15. As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair.
David Letterman
#16. You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.
David Letterman
#17. Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
David Letterman
#18. Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.
David Letterman
#19. Now all of us can talk to the NSA
just by dialing any number.
David Letterman
#20. Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.
David Letterman
#21. Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.
David Letterman
#22. Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.
David Letterman
#23. Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'
David Letterman
#24. The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.
David Letterman
#25. Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.
David Letterman
#26. It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.
David Letterman
#27. Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
David Letterman
#28. I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
David Letterman
#29. By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.
David Letterman
#30. The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
David Letterman
#31. I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,'
David Letterman
#32. You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'
David Letterman
#33. Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?
David Letterman
#34. Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
David Letterman
#35. Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.
David Letterman
#36. The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.
David Letterman
#37. You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and she was elected to city council. A dead woman actually elected! And I'm thinking, well, I guess there is still hope for Al Gore.
David Letterman
#38. President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman
#39. How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
David Letterman
#40. Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.
David Letterman
#41. You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.
David Letterman
#42. The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.
David Letterman
#43. John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.
David Letterman
#44. Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'
David Letterman
#45. I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.
David Letterman
#46. Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.
David Letterman
#47. Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.
David Letterman
#48. Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.
David Letterman
#49. Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.
David Letterman
#50. One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.
David Letterman
#51. Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets!
David Letterman
#52. John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.
David Letterman
#53. President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.
David Letterman
#54. If what you've done is stupid, but it works..then it really isn't all that stupid.
David Letterman
#55. How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.
David Letterman
#56. You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.
David Letterman
#57. Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.
David Letterman
#58. Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.
David Letterman
#59. They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.
David Letterman
#60. Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.
David Letterman
#62. I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.
David Letterman
#63. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
David Letterman
#66. It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.
David Letterman
#67. A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.
David Letterman
#68. Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
David Letterman
#69. Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.
David Letterman
#70. United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
David Letterman
#72. Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.
David Letterman
#73. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.
David Letterman
#74. Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
David Letterman
#75. How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
David Letterman
#76. They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin.
David Letterman
#77. The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
David Letterman
#78. Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.
David Letterman
#79. Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
David Letterman
#80. There are so many flavors of Coke now - Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they've just brought out another new flavor - Coke with Pepsi.
David Letterman
#81. We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
David Letterman
#82. Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.
David Letterman
#84. John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.
David Letterman
#85. Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.
David Letterman
#86. If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on
television with pool cues, who would win?
1) Ricky Schroder
2) Gary Coleman
3) The television viewing public
David Letterman
#87. A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.
David Letterman
#88. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
#89. Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.
David Letterman
#90. Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.
David Letterman
#91. It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony
it's not covered by Obamacare.
David Letterman
#92. North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.
David Letterman
#93. Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?
David Letterman
#94. Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.
David Letterman
#95. I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
David Letterman
#96. The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.
David Letterman
#97. Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.
David Letterman
#98. I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
David Letterman
#99. Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.
David Letterman
#100. President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen.
David Letterman
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