J.L. Merrow Quotes

#1. Sod it. If he laid a finger on my David, I'd just have to use my newfound martial arts mojo and kick him in the Knuts.

J.L. Merrow

#2. Or have you simply been enjoying that North African river cruise?"
"You what?"
"In de-Nile?

J.L. Merrow

#3. I was thinking of Cambridge, and then I got a bit homesick for a minute, 'cause I never been this far away from home before. But the I remember you're here, and now I'm not homesick no more.

J.L. Merrow

#4. Knowing Gary, he probably caught
sight of one of those thick, furry sausage things they have on the end of the ropes one day
and just couldn't resist giving it a tug.

J.L. Merrow

#5. Let's just say it was obvious from a very early age the only female heart I'd ever break would be my mother's.

J.L. Merrow

#6. He said, "Al, that's the stupidest question you've ever asked in your life," but I don't reckon it was. I bet I ask way stupider questions that that every day.

J.L. Merrow

#7. I was coming so hard I literally saw stars. My orgasm seemed to go on forever, blacking out my vision and tearing through my body so violently I felt it had to leave a scar - and God, I'd wear that scar with pride.

J.L. Merrow

#8. We all walked down the street together, looking like a sort of pick-and-mix adopted family: dad, disabled mum, and two differently mixed-race kids. Madonna would have been so proud of us.

J.L. Merrow

#9. And yes, I let him fuck me because it's been so bloody long I've almost forgotten what my prick's for.

J.L. Merrow

#10. I gave the wretched beast a look that said plainly I'll deal with you later.
He flicked his tail at me, cat-speak for Do I look like I'm bothered?

J.L. Merrow

#11. You should put it on your business cards - Tom Paretski, the pocket-sized plumber. No job too small."
"Again with the height jokes. What do you have on yours? Phil Morrison, the muscle-bound moron?"
"Now, come on - that's poor effort. How about Private Dick - the biggest in the business?"

J.L. Merrow

#12. Hey, this was rugby, not that daft game with the round ball.

J.L. Merrow

#13. She trusted him? She'd barely met him. Women. Thank God I've never wanted to date one.

J.L. Merrow

#14. Oh my God, you're right! Our third date. We should totally have sex now! It wasn't my fault the waiter was walking past just as I said it and dropped the plate he was carrying. David stopped trying and laughed out loud.

J.L. Merrow

#15. I was worried about littering, but Larry said it was okay 'cause corks come from trees and are natural and stuff. Only he used longer words than that.(Al)

J.L. Merrow

#16. We did sixty-nine that night. Larry went on top so he didn't get squished. He's really good at sucking dick. I wondered if he'd got exams in that too.

J.L. Merrow

#17. When a bloke takes you out for a meal You'd think sex would be part of the deal Not a pat on the head And a cold lonely bed When he leaves without copping a feel

J.L. Merrow

#18. No, that's just Saturdays. The whisper came from an orange-belted ninja. Did that make him a ginja?

J.L. Merrow

#19. Alan:I don't know what
they did with all the crusts from the sandwiches. Maybe they put
them out for the birds after everyone had gone home. I hoped so.
It'd be a shame to waste them.

J.L. Merrow

#20. Al? Is that all it is for you? You just like the way we...fuck?" I was going to say, he said "fuck" like it's dirty word, but I guess it is, isn't it? But he said it like that anyhow.

J.L. Merrow

#21. Most people seemed to rate the discovery of America pretty highly; I'd have to say that, for me, it paled into insignificance beside the discovery of my prostate.

J.L. Merrow

#22. He gave me a kiss and said good night." "He didn't! The bastard." "Yeah," I muttered to the tabletop. "He said he'd had a nice time." "I'll sodding kill him. What went wrong, Judi-babe?

J.L. Merrow

#23. That's my darling little doggie. Bubbles by name, bubbles for brains. You've got to love him.

J.L. Merrow

#24. Roll over," he said, his voice all rough. "Jude, I want to be inside you. Is that okay?"
I sort of whimpered. Then nodded vigorously, in case he couldn't speak whimper.

J.L. Merrow

#25. I got up and went and put my arms around him from behind, and I kissed his neck in the place that always makes him shiver. In a good way, not like he's scared or nothing.

J.L. Merrow

#26. They've been seen in one of the restaurants in Brock's Hollow, you know - I won't say seen eating, as this is Victoria Beckham we're talking about.

J.L. Merrow

#27. Know what I like about you?" Phil rumbled in my ear.
"Based on recent experience, I'd say my arse comes pretty high on the list".

J.L. Merrow

#28. All right, here's a limerick: A young martial artist called Dave Was fearless and handsome and brave He saved me from thugs When I nearly got mugged So now I'm forever Dave's slave." There was a short silence. I cringed. "Um, sorry. Came out a bit gay, that one." Bugger, bugger, bugger.

J.L. Merrow

#29. Gary made the word heterosexual sound like something out of The Joy of Extreme Sex. Lovechildren produced by illicit affairs were still a bit of a sore topic with me.

J.L. Merrow

#30. A young man, when sliced up by glass From a footballer's tragic mis-pass Said, 'Hey, there's no harm Done; it's only an arm. I'm just thankful it wasn't my arse.

J.L. Merrow

#31. A pirate once shouted 'Avast! I've caught you, you seadog, at last! Best pull out your sword - I'm coming aboard! Drop your britches, and climb up me mast!

J.L. Merrow

#32. I thought my mum would be probably rather have us round for tea in her room, but Larry said he wanted to take he out proper.
I liked that idea because it like he thought we was proper, you know? Like, not just fucking.

J.L. Merrow

#33. Well, that went well, I muttered to my cock, which had optimistically jumped up when I did. All pumped up with nowhere to go. I took it for a shower and gave it a few strokes to make it feel better, but it wasn't fooled. It knew it was just my hand tugging on it.

J.L. Merrow

#34. I'll learn all the katas and be the ninjing-est ninja that ever ninjed." Bubbles whined, so I bent down to rub his silky little head. "Is it the c-word, Bubbs? Don't you worry, we love the doggas as well as the katas." David laughed.

J.L. Merrow

#35. There was a single
golden hair on the pillow, curled in on itself as if asleep. Simon
picked it up carefully, then lay down still holding it, his head in its
place. The bed was cold, but it still smelled warm, like Matt.

J.L. Merrow

#36. Al, you're the most wonderful man I've ever been terrified by down a dark alleyway. Will you marry me?

J.L. Merrow

#37. You're a darling, Keisha. If you weren't a girl, I'd marry you." "If I wasn't a girl, I'd run a bloody mile next time I saw you coming." "But, sweetie, you've never actually seen me coming. Unless you've got a spy camera rigged up in my bedroom, of course.

J.L. Merrow

#38. He was gasping and moaning and saying stuff like, "Oh God, oh God, oh God!" so I figured he was enjoying it.

J.L. Merrow

#39. God. How would I cope if I went to jail? I'd never even been to boarding school.

J.L. Merrow

#40. Seeing as when it came to the milk of human kindness
they were all pretty much lactose intolerant.

J.L. Merrow

#41. So come on, tell me all the dirt about your date. Did he tie you up with his black belt? Show off his mystic knowledge of Eastern sex practices? What?" I let my head slump into my hands. "He gave me a kiss and said good night." "He didn't! The bastard.

J.L. Merrow

#42. I got zero on a maths test once," I said. "The teacher said he'd wanted to give me a minus number, but the computer wouldn't let him.

J.L. Merrow

#43. Look, I really appreciate you bringing me here, but I think there's something you ought to know about me." David smiled. "If it's that you're gay - " Oh, puh-leeze. "No - God, no. I mean, yes, obviously, I'm fruitier than a greengrocers' convention, but no, that wasn't what I was about to say.

J.L. Merrow

#44. Bloody hell, it was just like the Tardis in here. It all sort of opened out, wider than a drugged-up hippie's mind.

J.L. Merrow

#45. I don't need Simon Bloody Cowell making me look like a right tit on the telly.

J.L. Merrow

#46. No need to read anything into it." "Yeah, right. 'Cept it's your tightest jeans, the ones that'll give you gangrene in your nuts if you're not careful,

J.L. Merrow

#47. I don't know why I went with him. Maybe it was because he'd said he'd missed me, and I was sick and tired of not being wanted.

J.L. Merrow

#48. Excrement, meet air-moving device.

J.L. Merrow

#49. He didn't look anything like the blokes on that gay porn channel Rory had clicked on by mistake when he'd been trying to find out how to make a daisy chain for Leo.

J.L. Merrow

#50. Larry said that Michelangelo was a poof, so I wondered why he'd sculpted a guy with a really tiny cock. But I know when you go to old houses, the doorways are much smaller, 'cause people were shorter then, so maybe cocks were smaller too. It makes me glad I wasn't born a few centuries ago.

J.L. Merrow

#51. - activity holidays are a whatsit. Contradiction in terms."
"Oxymoron."
I flipped him a finger. "Same to you with knobs on.

J.L. Merrow

#52. Having a good memory for numbers isn't actually a failing, you know." "It is when it's weird. Are you sure you're gay? I'm beginning to think you're mathmosexual.

J.L. Merrow

#53. I frowned. "Are you sure about this? It's a bit short." "So? It's poetry, not dick size.

J.L. Merrow

#54. Knut, this is Jude. Remember I told you about him? He writes poetry." Knut looked my half-Japanese self up and down. "Haiku?" he guessed. "Gesundheit," I muttered sourly.

J.L. Merrow

#55. I went and kissed him to wake him up just like Sleeping Beauty. Although I guess with me it was more like Beauty and the Beast.

J.L. Merrow

#56. Or, if the Sun wrote it, Poofter Plumber goes Postal in Potter's Bar.

J.L. Merrow

#57. It's the fish I feel sorry for, in all this global warming. They don't even have a carbon footprint.

J.L. Merrow

#58. Larry says it's sandalwood, and it's called that 'cause of the Latin name. They don't make sandals out of it or nothing.

J.L. Merrow

#59. If I really cared about Matt, I wouldn't want him to be unhappy. And I was fairly sure that mourning the untimely death of a live-in lover was likely to be a bit of a downer, at least for a day or two.

J.L. Merrow

#60. Sometimes you got to make a stand on something, even when the thing itself isn't that important. It's like the difference between painting and photos-it's what you don't see in the photo that matters.

J.L. Merrow

#61. I kept watching Toby to see how he'd manage with those little wineglasses and his big nose, but I never managed to catch him drinking.

J.L. Merrow

#62. I didn't think they liked me at first, but then Larry's mum said she could see I'd concentrated on my physical education, which I thought was nice of her, though Larry didn't smile or nothing.

J.L. Merrow

#63. Lead me!" I told him fervently. "Astray is, like, my favourite place ever.

J.L. Merrow

#64. His gaze kept sliding in my direction, then zipping back to Phil, as if he'd heard you should make eye contact with people you're talking to but had never actually seen it done.

J.L. Merrow

#65. I was going to buy Larry something, but he said I should spend it on something I always wanted. So I bought a cat.

J.L. Merrow

#66. But we had to stop 'cause Larry can't throw for shit, and people in other punts were complaining about being hit by strawberries. Even though they was Marks and Spencer's strawberries.

J.L. Merrow

#67. Cathedral Close, when I got to St Leonard's, was emptier than a Sally Army collection box at a Pride festival,

J.L. Merrow

#68. Keisha frowned. "Maybe he's hoping for hidden depths?" "I haven't even got hidden

J.L. Merrow

#69. If you forget your dreams on waking, does that mean they never happened? That the people in them never existed?

J.L. Merrow

#70. It's sad to fall asleep. It separates people. Even when you're sleeping together, you're all alone.

J.L. Merrow

#71. 'You must've been waiting for someone like me to come along,' I said. I meant, because of the big bed. But Larry looked at me all funny and said, 'Yes, I think I was.'

J.L. Merrow

#72. I've been an idiot."
"That's okay," I said. "You're still way cleverer than me".

J.L. Merrow

#73. You never did ... anything else with Ren?"
I knew he wasn't talking about me painting him and stuff. "Why would I want him when I got you?" And then I got worried, 'cause I wasn't sure if I still had Larry or not.

J.L. Merrow

#74. Mum always says it's really important to get three meals a day, even though she's always on a diet.

J.L. Merrow

#75. Alan:I used rabbit-skin glue to size the panels. I got it from the art
shop. I don't know if they use real rabbits in it. It seems kind of a
shame if they do, but then it's not like there's a rabbit shortage, is
it? And maybe they only used rabbits that would've died anyhow.

J.L. Merrow

#76. I never know what people want to hear when they say that stuff. And it's not like anything about me is interesting or nothing. "Have you always lived in Cambridge?" I nodded. "Do you live alone?" I nodded again. So then he gave up on twenty questions and started telling me about himself.

J.L. Merrow