Jokes Famous Quotes & Sayings

List of top 100 famous quotes and sayings about jokes to read and share with friends on your Facebook, Twitter, blogs.

Top 100 Quotes About Jokes

#1. I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him. - Author: Joan Rivers
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#2. Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence. - Author: Ronnie Barker
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#3. A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap. - Author: Kurt Vonnegut
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#4. There was a sea of change in comedy in the late 1950s and '60s. We were dealing with vignettes as opposed to jokes. We were more socially aware. - Author: Bob Newhart
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#5. Say,' I said. "What brings you out here at this hour of the morning, for a thing like this?"

'The bus,' he said. - Author: Hunter S. Thompson
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#6. Some comics have long routines to get them in the mood - I just prefer to sit down, write out the same jokes in a different order and then have a little prayer that I won't be met by silence. - Author: Jack Whitehall
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#7. The Dalai Lama took the Archbishop's hand, and then they were more eight than eighty, laughing and making jokes together as they strolled toward the terminal, yellow umbrella sheltering above them. Even - Author: Dalai Lama XIV
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#8. Brad Pitt is great fun. He jokes around all the time and has a real quality about him. On set the director called me over and said, 'Jase, just watch him. Watch him move.' Instead of walking, Brad literally glides. It's incredible. - Author: Jason Flemyng
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#9. The primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy. - Author: G.K. Chesterton
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#10. For all the jokes and complaints about the aches of air travel, it's pretty marvelous, if you think about it. - Author: Tsh Oxenreider
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#11. Patriotism is a joke in the UK. - Author: Matt Tong
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#12. When I was younger, I listened to the greats: Winters, Mel and Carl, Nichols and May, Pryor, Carlin, Klein, Berman and lots of Lenny Bruce albums. But once I started doing fairly well, I didn't want to hear anybody's jokes or premises. - Author: Richard Lewis
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#13. They didn't have to be funny - they were father jokes. - Author: Terry Pratchett
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#14. It's so hard to be sassy to the Fair Folk. You people never get jokes - Author: Cassandra Clare
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#15. I was never able to analyze my own performance that way I can now. I've realized why certain actors work. I think I'm very in control of what I do in there now. I know how to listen, how to make it real and how not to go to jokes, but to go for a sense of reality. - Author: Steve Dildarian
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#16. Your sense of humor needs some work, then,' Wesley suggested. 'Most girls find my jokes charming.'
'Those girls must have IQs low enough to trip over. - Author: Kody Keplinger
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#17. He said he wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don't often make jokes. - Author: George Grossmith
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#18. A joke is a witticism or play on words that's meant to be funny. I say 'meant to be' because most jokes aren't funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying. - Author: Michael Monroe
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#19. All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him. Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now's not the time to come up with stupid jokes! - Author: Koushun Takami
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#20. Nurse: "You look like a pharmaceutical rep. you can leave samples in the closet."
Joe: "I'm actually a lawyer."
Nurse: "My condolences. - Author: Jodi Picoult
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#21. What's painful is that what you had together, all your inside jokes and favorite restaurants and that movie you both loved but everyone else hated - that's gone, and there's no replacement for it, you never replicate it, never get to have it ever again ... - Author: Kim Culbertson
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#22. I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't. - Author: Anthony Jeselnik
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#23. A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off, but I can't help it. - Author: Michael Showalter
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#24. On Anzac Day, coffee and jokes with a Turk might be the most meaningful and fair dinkum dawn service you could possibly have. - Author: Michael Leunig
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#25. And spare me the jokes about scoring."
"Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?"
"It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts."
"So, ninety-five percent of the time. - Author: Cassandra Clare
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#26. Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves, and a vampire walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks. "We were thinking him," the vampire answers, eyeing the doctor.
Okay, jokes weren't my strong point. - Author: Kiersten White
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#27. Some jokes are less agreeable than others - Author: Harriet Beecher Stowe
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#28. How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones? - Author: Samuel Beckett
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#29. There were some particular themes that I knew I wanted to hit, and when I got deeper into the project I found that it was becoming serious in and on its own. By the end, it's not very funny at all. I think, now, that part of the power of the book is that the jokes are kind of sparkly distractions. - Author: Moshe Kasher
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#30. I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do. - Author: Ann Coulter
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#31. I certainly got the jokes within the joke, dressing up in a wet suit, sitting in a Twingo, scaling a rubber mountain, dressing up and stealing a diamond, of course. If not now, when? - Author: Pierce Brosnan
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#32. Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, 'This is where I wanna be.' - Author: Patton Oswalt
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#33. GreenHollyWood is a bad character, fat, liking jokes, liking jokes about size, about the large, about the how big are you. Likes to laugh when you make a mistake, ... but but he is a teacher?! With a glasses a fat guy! - Author: Deyth Banger
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#34. Arguing with a lawyer is not the hardest thing in the world; not arguing is. - Author: Raheel Farooq
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#35. I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. - Author: Stephen Colbert
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#36. If I do not do sensible things about investments I shall spend my old age in a workhouse, where nobody will understand my jokes. - Author: Rebecca West
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#37. Vor stared for a moment at his own reflection in the familiar mirrored face, remembering some of the stupid jokes his friend had told and the innovative military games they had played together. Seurat had never harmed him in any way. - Author: Brian Herbert
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#38. I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?" - Author: Chris Rock
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#39. In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's what I did. - Author: Sunil Gangopadhyay
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#40. I grew up in the projects. You have no choice but to fight. My jokes used to get me in fights. - Author: Marlon Wayans
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#41. Watson loved them sour kind of jokes, which I enjoyed myself. I mean, ain't life some kind of a sour joke? Might's well laugh, that's the way him and me seen it, whether nice folks seen the joke or not. One time when Watson caught me grinning along with him, he give a wink and lifted up his hat. - Author: Peter Matthiessen
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#42. Indeed, the first thing you might learn, in considering jokes, is that Marcel Duchamp's urinal was one - quite a good one the first time around, corny by mid-twentieth century, and downright stupid today. - Author: Roger Scruton
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#43. Plato was only a Bernard Shaw who unfortunately made his jokes in Greek. - Author: Gilbert K. Chesterton
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#44. I make some jokes about it, but they're not funny and just add to the depression. - Author: Robert M. Pirsig
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#45. Jokes against the legal profession were what the legal profession loved most. - Author: Ian McEwan
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#46. I always like to think I build in historically accurate musical in-jokes that are so precise that like maybe there's 7 or 8 people in the world watching the show that will sit up and go, "Oh my God the music being played is the right kind of music!" - Author: Bear McCreary
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#47. Looking back, I remember my family laughing a lot. We were never the kind of people that dwelled on hard times. My family laughs when things are tough. Growing up like that, I got used to making jokes about things that were difficult. So when I started doing stand-up, that's what I went towards. - Author: Cristela Alonzo
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#48. Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny. - Author: Alan King
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#49. Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant. - Author: Washington Irving
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#50. I instantly like people who laugh at my jokes. It's a weakness of mine. - Author: Matthew Norman
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#51. At least you are back to being normal size." She gave a strangled laugh. "If the size of a cucumber on steroids is normal that is. - Author: Charlene Hartnady
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#52. A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling. - Author: Friedrich Nietzsche
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#53. You should not take prayer too seriously. There is something playful about God. You only have to look at a penguin ... to realize that He likes to play little jokes on creatures. - Author: Thomas Keating
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#54. It's considered bad form to laugh at your own jokes (especially when they're teensy ones), but some people are so engaging they never have to laugh alone. Chaz - Author: Stephen King
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#55. I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it. - Author: Milton Berle
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#56. Zen people love Buddha so tremendously that they can even play jokes upon him. It is out of great love; they are not afraid. - Author: Rajneesh
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#57. I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. - Author: Steven Wright
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#58. All my life, my immediate response to emotional pain has been to make jokes. Lots of jokes. - Author: Karen Salmansohn
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#59. I think I realized that Dave Barry was funnier than I'll ever be, and he made no attempt to make any actual points. He had a general libertarian point of view, but in general, he just liked to make jokes. - Author: Joel Stein
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#60. I think repeating yourself is a sign of old age, telling the same joke again and again. Especially if they're jokes that don't make people laugh. - Author: Simon Le Bon
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#61. Oh Lola's Boobs,' he says into my chest, 'I wish we knew each other better.'
I crack up laughing.
'What's that you say?' he jokes, putting his ear to my right breast. 'You wish you could come out to play more often but Lola doesn't let you? Well, that's a shame. - Author: Bianca Giovanni
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#62. I never was shy, but as far as telling jokes, I'm the worst. I like physical comedy; it's where I feel comfortable. - Author: Malin Akerman
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#63. I am not against marriage - without marriage, ninety-nine percent jokes will disappear from the world. How I can be against marriage? I am all for it. - Author: Rajneesh
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#64. In all the works on pedagogy that ever I read - and they have been many, big, and heavy - I don't remember that any one has advocated a system of teaching by practical jokes, mostly cruel. That, however, describes the method of our great teacher, Experience. - Author: Charles Sanders Peirce
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#65. Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing. - Author: Gilbert Gottfried
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#66. I do Twitter, but I'm still not great on it - I'm not good at writing short little jokes, so my Twitter's not really a jokey thing. - Author: Cecily Strong
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#67. One of the great jokes of life is that by the time you're old enough to recognize how little you know, all you can do is mop up the aftermath, dump it in a giant personal hazmat container and move on. - Author: Virginia DeBerry
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#68. Woody Allen - nobody has been a better joke teller than him - and even in his great films, it's always coming out of the character. If you don't have that, jokes are just empty and I think that people rely too much on jokes. - Author: Brett Gelman
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#69. The kitchen table is where we mark milestones, divulge dreams, bury hatchets, make deals, give thanks, plan vacations, and tell jokes. It's also where children learn the lessons that families teach: manners, cooperation, communication, self-control, values. - Author: Doris Christopher
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#70. It's just what they are - they're jokes ... most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks ... I can't determine what offends another person. - Author: Paula Deen
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#71. I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman ... come in the guise of a comic ... to heal perception by using ... 'jokes' ... - Author: Bill Hicks
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#72. Everybody that's living in this earth is living in a situation. It's not narrow-minded to the point where everybody is serious and nobody has a personality. I think people die telling jokes. - Author: Mike Epps
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#73. I remember, growing up, if something big - God forbid - happened, the first jokes you heard on the subject came out of Jersey. - Author: Oscar Nunez
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#74. My locker room is serious. It is quiet. No one smiles. I don't like people telling jokes in my locker room. Now is not a time to tell jokes. From the minute we leave my hotel room, do not fuck around. The time for fucking around is over. Some serious shit is about to happen. - Author: Ronda Rousey
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#75. Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive. - Author: Stella Benson
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#76. Words could betray you if you chose the wrong ones, or mean less if you used too many. Jokes could be grandly miscalculated, or stories deemed boring, and I'd learned early on that my sense of humor and ideas about what sorts of things were fascinating didn't exactly overlap with my friends'. - Author: Robyn Schneider
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#77. Conversations and jokes together, mutual rendering of good services, the reading together of sweetly phrased books, the sharing of nonsense and mutual attentions. - Author: Robertson Davies
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#78. Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke. - Author: Jay Leno
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#79. And what exactly is a dream and what exactly is a joke. - Author: Syd Barrett
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#80. It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes. - Author: Thomas Aquinas
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#81. That's how myths are born. Out of our carelessness, out of our tattered nerves, out of jokes that go wrong and flashy gestures. - Author: Sergei Lukyanenko
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#82. We should have stories in common, I found myself thinking. We should have stories, and jokes no one understands, and memories that we know will stay alive because neither of us will let the other forget. - Author: Kamila Shamsie
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#83. I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing. - Author: Jim Gaffigan
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#84. What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually have a joke. I don't tell jokes much. I tell little stories. - Author: Howard Dean
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#85. When I'm playing comedy, I never do 'jokes.' Sometimes I'll deliver a line in a way I think is more likely to get a laugh, but all the best comedy is played straight. What's funny is the way it hits the world around it or the way it hits the other characters. - Author: Bruce McGill
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#86. Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humour is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude. - Author: Frank Muir
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#87. Living is a pretty grim joke, but a joke just the same. - Author: L. Ron Hubbard
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#88. I don't see anyone avoiding the Stones because DJs make jokes about them being a part of the Geritol set. All it does is make the DJs look stupid. - Author: Joe Perry
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#89. They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of them come in, sit down, and listen to you tell jokes. They the hardest people to make laugh. - Author: Mike Epps
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#90. He's a very funny and very nice man. When you read the script, you want to stick with it. But when you're with Eddie Murphy you've got to improvise. He's always making jokes and making me crack up when the camera's on. - Author: Raven-Symone
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#91. I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes. - Author: Jim Gaffigan
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#92. It wasn't that funny, but I laughed. There wouldn't be much laughter in the world if people didn't like each other, because there sure as shit aren't that many good jokes. - Author: John Barnes
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#93. I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances. - Author: Brian Regan
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#94. I might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things I don't really mean - because at the end of the day that's what we're all trying to do: fit in, one way or another, desperately trying to pretend we're all the same. - Author: Tabitha Suzuma
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#95. Gabriel jokes, "If they find out Blondine got the last of the bread there'll be murder."
Nesbitt says, "If that's true I'll murder her myself. - Author: Sally Green
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#96. It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke. - Author: Robert Orben
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#97. The preacher who jests and jokes with his people all week will soon find that he cannot stand in his pulpit on Sunday with power to reprove, rebuke and exhort. He may be the life of the party but it will be the death of the prophet. - Author: Vance Havner
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#98. Remember that Cosby show where he harrassed the children? Well I put on a little suit and because I am so small they invited me on but nobody was laughing at my jokes. I guess I'm just, too, particularly smart for them. - Author: Thom Yorke
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#99. I think I was a behavior problem, mostly, but in a fun way. I tried to tell jokes. I was the middle kid, so I was always looking for attention and trying to be the one that equalized everything. - Author: Timothy Simons
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#100. No matter what you say while in the hospital, doctors won't laugh at your jokes. - Author: Hope Jahren
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