Top 83 Bill Burr Quotes

#1. I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.

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Bill Burr Quotes #11697
#2. Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

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Bill Burr Quotes #39576
#3. Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw.

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Bill Burr Quotes #65354
#4. I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.

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Bill Burr Quotes #69923
#5. Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.

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Bill Burr Quotes #79112
#6. I'm a standup comedian who gets to act. I'm never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I'm doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.

Bill Burr

Bill Burr Quotes #121075
#7. I've battled with that type of stuff, but what I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had my bouts with it.

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Bill Burr Quotes #127500
#8. I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy - if they start to like you, they'll get a project going and call you in.

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Bill Burr Quotes #170365
#9. Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It's not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it's a pile of rocks next to a highway. There's actually a highway right next to it, but you don't see that in pictures.

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Bill Burr Quotes #175887
#10. I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.

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Bill Burr Quotes #178584
#11. My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

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Bill Burr Quotes #183807
#12. Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

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Bill Burr Quotes #191769
#13. If this goes into sweatshop labor, I'm quitting this podcast.

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Bill Burr Quotes #192287
#14. I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle.

Bill Burr

Bill Burr Quotes #206759
#15. You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.

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Bill Burr Quotes #267997
#16. I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don't know where it's going.

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Bill Burr Quotes #272459
#17. Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.

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Bill Burr Quotes #289660
#18. If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.

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Bill Burr Quotes #345488
#19. I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don't like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it's good.

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Bill Burr Quotes #370185
#20. We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her
thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won't let her do it.

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Bill Burr Quotes #403027
#21. I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?

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Bill Burr Quotes #403988
#22. I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today ...

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Bill Burr Quotes #412372
#23. Podcasting is great. Total freedom.

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Bill Burr Quotes #418468
#24. The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.

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Bill Burr Quotes #422159
#25. I like finding stuff that I suck at and trying to get better. So I'm taking classes, getting myself comfortable in an acting scene. You've got to work out those ticks. For instance, standing up used to be really hard for me. I act much better if I'm sitting down.

Bill Burr

Bill Burr Quotes #425887
#26. You start in bars and then restaurants, then you want to get into comedy clubs where you feature, then you headline, and once you sell out clubs you're into theaters. I've been able to get there, and it's cool to do that.

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Bill Burr Quotes #449026
#27. When I watch 'Breaking Bad,' my stomach is in knots.

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Bill Burr Quotes #515331
#28. Being a stand-up comic, this isn't a stepping-stone for me; it's what I do, and this is what I'm always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.

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Bill Burr Quotes #594873
#29. You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have
to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

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Bill Burr Quotes #599677
#30. Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.

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Bill Burr Quotes #639783
#31. I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously.

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Bill Burr Quotes #671897
#32. I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

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Bill Burr Quotes #692078
#33. Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?

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Bill Burr Quotes #697650
#34. As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names ... 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know?

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Bill Burr Quotes #705029
#35. I am so pro-swine flu ... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.

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Bill Burr Quotes #713545
#36. You have no idea how long a year is until you're stone sober.

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Bill Burr Quotes #716490
#37. People make a big deal about podcasts but it's basically an online radio show with the sound effects and sidekicks, but because you can curse it's more like satellite radio. Most of the podcasters were morning guys who were fired when Clear Channel decimated the radio landscape.

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Bill Burr Quotes #730107
#38. Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.

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Bill Burr Quotes #738493
#39. I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it's that same fear.

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Bill Burr Quotes #752903
#40. You wanna know how you know you're informed as a protestor? They don't show your interview on TV.

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Bill Burr Quotes #786482
#41. Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

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Bill Burr Quotes #834692
#42. If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that's good for me; I'm good.

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Bill Burr Quotes #841565
#43. There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.

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Bill Burr Quotes #842460
#44. I gotta be honest with you. I'm kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?

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Bill Burr Quotes #859364
#45. Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

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Bill Burr Quotes #923638
#46. I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

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Bill Burr Quotes #930384
#47. A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small.

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Bill Burr Quotes #960159
#48. Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

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Bill Burr Quotes #990774
#49. Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions.

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Bill Burr Quotes #994004
#50. Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

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Bill Burr Quotes #996755
#51. I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1019568
#52. I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1041375
#53. Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he's like, 'Umm, I'm taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate's, like, half Afghani, so it's going to cause some static.'

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Bill Burr Quotes #1136884
#54. My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who's logged more hours than that guy.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1149059
#55. You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can't believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1164712
#56. The first night you walk down to a comedy club, at least for me, I had my voice, and then I went on stage and I lost it.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1165703
#57. I'm trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I've done enough of that in my career.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1184406
#58. Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

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Bill Burr Quotes #1198548
#59. I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I'm a great guy.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1202492
#60. There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career - it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1244075
#61. Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1273924
#62. Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1284257
#63. I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1353624
#64. I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1381798
#65. Deny your emotions and act like you have answers

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Bill Burr Quotes #1408720
#66. You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1434259
#67. The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian.

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#68. I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1481319
#69. God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

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Bill Burr Quotes #1521784
#70. When you say, "there's no reason [to hit a woman]" that kills any examination as to how two people ended up at that place. When you say, "there's no reason," you cut out the build-up and you're just left with the act. How you gonna solve it if you don't figure it out?

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Bill Burr Quotes #1522268
#71. I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what's bugging me.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1522772
#72. Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added pressure to perform. 'Cause it's kinda like you're not just humping for yourself. You're humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1526913
#73. There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you like 17 right off the top of my head.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1527414
#74. They say you don't want to meet your heroes, but those two guys, you do want to meet them, because they do not disappoint. Walken has this amazing sense of humor, and Pacino is like just a sweetheart of a guy.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1554256
#75. What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

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Bill Burr Quotes #1566726
#76. Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1587623
#77. I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with 'em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don't even notice that you're filling up their heads with your theories.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1612796
#78. Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1694871
#79. I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's motherly instincts.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1713556
#80. I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1789305
#81. My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I don't like it is when I'm off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1826772
#82. To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1849117
#83. Like most comics, I tried to come up with a sitcom idea that was based around my life. And it didn't work out. But maybe because it didn't work out, that's why I ended up on 'Breaking Bad;' I don't know.

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Bill Burr Quotes #1859151

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