Top 100 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
#1. I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'
Jerry Seinfeld
#2. I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
#3. I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
Jerry Seinfeld
#4. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
#5. Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Jerry Seinfeld
#6. A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
Jerry Seinfeld
#7. There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
Jerry Seinfeld
#8. Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
Jerry Seinfeld
#9. You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.
Jerry Seinfeld
#10. There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
Jerry Seinfeld
#11. I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.
Jerry Seinfeld
#12. Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
Jerry Seinfeld
#13. I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
Jerry Seinfeld
#14. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Jerry Seinfeld
#15. The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
Jerry Seinfeld
#16. Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
Jerry Seinfeld
#17. People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"
Jerry Seinfeld
#18. There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
Jerry Seinfeld
#21. Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Jerry Seinfeld
#22. I've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of.
Jerry Seinfeld
#23. Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
Jerry Seinfeld
#24. The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
Jerry Seinfeld
#26. Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry Seinfeld
#27. No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
Jerry Seinfeld
#28. Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
Jerry Seinfeld
#29. Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me
Jerry Seinfeld
#30. I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.
Jerry Seinfeld
#31. The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld
#32. Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.
Jerry Seinfeld
#33. They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
Jerry Seinfeld
#34. The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
Jerry Seinfeld
#35. Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
Jerry Seinfeld
#36. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
#37. It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.
Jerry Seinfeld
#38. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Jerry Seinfeld
#39. What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
Jerry Seinfeld
#40. A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.
Jerry Seinfeld
#41. Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.
Jerry Seinfeld
#42. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter ... "
Jerry Seinfeld
#43. I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
Jerry Seinfeld
#44. After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
Jerry Seinfeld
#45. I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
Jerry Seinfeld
#46. So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!"
Jerry Seinfeld
#47. Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
Jerry Seinfeld
#48. On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'
Jerry Seinfeld
#49. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Jerry Seinfeld
#50. Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.
Jerry Seinfeld
#51. When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20 ... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
Jerry Seinfeld
#53. If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.
Jerry Seinfeld
#54. There is no such thing as love for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
#55. If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
Jerry Seinfeld
#56. I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done.
Jerry Seinfeld
#57. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Jerry Seinfeld
#59. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."
Jerry Seinfeld
#60. I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication ... Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,"Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting ... Which is more important, the present or the future?"
Jerry Seinfeld
#61. And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying 'my wife.' Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - 'my wife' this, 'my wife' that ... it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Jerry Seinfeld
#62. I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
Jerry Seinfeld
#64. Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
Jerry Seinfeld
#65. When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.
Jerry Seinfeld
#66. Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
Jerry Seinfeld
#67. Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Jerry Seinfeld
#68. I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
Jerry Seinfeld
#71. [I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.
Jerry Seinfeld
#72. I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward.
Jerry Seinfeld
#73. Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world ... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.
Jerry Seinfeld
#74. When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Jerry Seinfeld
#75. I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.
Jerry Seinfeld
#77. We're all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light [camera] comes on.
Jerry Seinfeld
#79. Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
Jerry Seinfeld
#80. Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
Jerry Seinfeld
#81. Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Jerry Seinfeld
#82. Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
Jerry Seinfeld
#83. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
#84. The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
Jerry Seinfeld
#85. Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?
Jerry Seinfeld
#86. You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld
#87. There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.
Jerry Seinfeld
#89. I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
Jerry Seinfeld
#90. Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
Jerry Seinfeld
#92. I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.
Jerry Seinfeld
#93. I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.
Jerry Seinfeld
#94. Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry Seinfeld
#95. Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
Jerry Seinfeld
#96. You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
Jerry Seinfeld
#97. As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.
Jerry Seinfeld
#98. Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.
Jerry Seinfeld
#99. I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
Jerry Seinfeld
#100. There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
Jerry Seinfeld
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