Top 100 Steven Wright Quotes
#1. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
#2. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
#3. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Steven Wright
#4. Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
#6. I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
#7. When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
#8. I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
#9. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
#11. I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
#12. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
#13. The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
#14. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
#15. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
#17. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
Steven Wright
#18. The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
#19. Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.
Steven Wright
#20. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
Steven Wright
#21. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
#22. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Steven Wright
#23. I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Steven Wright
#24. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Steven Wright
#25. I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
#26. People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns ... behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth ... with braces on them.
Steven Wright
#27. Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
#28. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
#29. Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
#30. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
#31. George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
#32. You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
#33. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Steven Wright
#34. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
Steven Wright
#36. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me
and I didn't hear it.
Steven Wright
#37. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
#39. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
#40. When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?
Steven Wright
#41. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
#42. They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.
Steven Wright
#43. I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
#44. For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
Steven Wright
#45. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
#46. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
#47. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
#48. I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
#49. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
#51. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
#52. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Steven Wright
#54. When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
Steven Wright
#55. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
#56. I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
#57. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
#58. The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
Steven Wright
#60. Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
#61. Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Steven Wright
#62. I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
Steven Wright
#63. I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
#64. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Steven Wright
#65. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Steven Wright
#67. I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
Steven Wright
#68. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Steven Wright
#69. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Steven Wright
#70. When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
#71. My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
#72. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
Steven Wright
#73. I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
#77. When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
#78. The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.
Steven Wright
#79. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
#80. I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
Steven Wright
#81. I had to stop driving my car for a while ... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
#83. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
#84. Day 1
Still tired from the move. Day 2
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
#85. If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
#86. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Steven Wright
#87. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
#88. I bought a cheap piece of land ... It was on someone else's property.
Steven Wright
#89. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
#90. Write from Beyond what you know. From the authority of your senses. -author of Meditations in Green
Steven Wright
#91. I'm so tired ... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
#92. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
Steven Wright
#93. I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
Steven Wright
#94. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
#95. When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.
Steven Wright
#96. I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
#97. I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
Steven Wright
#99. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Steven Wright
#100. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Steven Wright
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