End Humor Quotes

#1. You must laugh in the face of adversity. In the end, humor is the greatest weapon against the pain. The

K. Hollan Van Zandt

#2. Nobody likes me," he concluded at the tail end of a ten-minute pity fest.
"Can't imagine why," Quinn murmured. I turned my snort of laughter into a fake cough,
which was an embarrassingly feeble attempt at subterfuge when you consider the fact that
I didn't have any lungs.

Robin Wasserman

#3. But women had to overlook men's personality flaws, else nobody would ever wed and/or reproduce and the human race would come to an end.

Loretta Chase

#4. Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

Jeremy Clarkson

#5. Marriage is the legal method devised to end love without pain.

Tom Morrison

#6. Mistrust all men, and slay him whom thou mistrustest overmuch; and as for women, flee from them, for they are evil, and in the end will destroy thee.

H. Rider Haggard

#7. At the end of human; life losses is equal to life gain life earned is equal to life learned and life pain is equal to life lecture. Everything is just one; You!

O.O Michael

#8. Is there a particular way you'd like to end up on the floor this time?" he asked as he shifted his stance and waited for me to attack. "Or do you just want me to surprise you?"
"Gee, if I get a choice, how about if I end up on top this time?

Devon Monk

#9. Boomerang arrow, Kate
It comes back to you in the end. Boomerang. Respect it.

Matt Fraction

#10. Ted," he said, "when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people do, or am I going to live?" I decided I'm going to live-or at least try to live-the way I want, with dignity, with courage, with humor, with composure.

Mitch Albom

#11. Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out.

Paul Murray

#12. Going mad is the beginning of a process. It is not supposed to be the end result.

Jeanette Winterson

#13. The fiasco in the barn flashed through her mind. Yesterday she'd showered him with oats and today she'd pummeled him with a broom. At this rate, he'd be dead by the end of the week.

Karen Witemeyer

#14. Yeah, Vi, unless Armageddon hit while i was fuckin' you this morning and we missed it, I'm thinkin' grocery stores still exist and they're all still stocked.

Kristen Ashley

#15. CHAPTER THE FIRST
(AND LAST)
The Golden Rule of Dragon Training is to ...
YELL AT IT!
(The louder the better,)
THE END.

Cressida Cowell

#16. Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape.

Jacqueline Patricks

#17. I could shove this swizzle stick through his heart, Min thought. She would'nt do it, of course. The stick was plastic and not nearly pointed enough on the end.

Jennifer Crusie

#18. For seven and a half million years, Deep Thought computed and calculated, and in the end announced that the answer was in fact 42- and so another, even bigger, computer had to be built to find out what the actual question was.

Douglas Adams

#19. I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Jim Norton

#20. Quote taken from Chapter 1:
I know what." Isabel reached under the end table, took out the game board, and rattled the Band-Aid box containing the letter tiles. "It's been a week-and-a-half since our last Scrabble game.

Ed Lynskey

#21. You're going to end up like one of those crazy cat ladies with your apartment smelling of piss and regret.

Kylie Scott

#22. The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

Jeff Foxworthy

#23. The end of an ox is beef, the end of a lie is grief.
- Serious Men

Manu Joseph

#24. Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.

Janna Levin

#25. Today he wore a burnt-orange shirt, black pants, and a tie that looked like a street fight at the south end of the color wheel.

Kathy Reichs

#26. I didn't say Tvlakv isn't a bastard. He's just a likable bastard." He hesitated, then grimaced. "Those are the worst kind. When you kill them, you end up feeling guilty for it.

Brandon Sanderson

#27. It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.

Brandon Mull

#28. Of Books and Scribes there are no end:
This Plague--and who can doubt it?
Dismays me so, I've sadly penned
Another book about it.

Robert W. Service

#29. The silent horror of Archie's ordeal had been temporarily replaced by the howling, agonising pain of the blood refusing to drain from his penis, the end of which was a deep purple verging on black where Officer Griff had tested how hard it was by using the back of his hand to give it a solid twang.

Dylan Perry

#30. Sometimes it's good to shake up the status quo. You just have to make sure that when you turn society on its ear, you don't end up on your coutoure-covered backside."--vivian

Donna Kauffman

#31. Our own dimension was coded ID-11 and was the only League member with diphtheria, David Hasselhoff and the French, which amused the rest of the multiverse no end.

Jasper Fforde

#32. The bracelet and the first charm appeared the day I punched Austin Jackson in the nose. I didn't mean to slug him. His face just got in my way. It was a bruising end to a disastrous first month in middle school.

Jenny Lundquist

#33. I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable.

Kris D'Agostino

#34. She wagged a finger at him. "You're mispronouncing that word."
"Your pardon?" He groped, trying to remember what he'd said. "Suffragette? How does one pronounce it, then?"
"Suffragette," she said, "is pronounced with an exclamation point at the end. Like this: 'Huzzah! Suffragettes!

Courtney Milan

#35. Nicu: It's not fair! Everybody has fangs but me, and I can't even turn into a bat properly. Sometimes when I try I end up as a sparrow!

Elias Zapple

#36. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld

#37. I never worry about people not taking my work seriously as a result of the humor. In the end, the comic's best trick is the illusion that comedy is effortless. That people imagine what he's doing is easy is an occupational hazard.

Richard Russo

#38. What do you do,' said Jean, 'with, ah, "ungifted" children when you have them?'
'Cherish them and raise them, you imbecile. Most of them end up working for us, in Karthain and elsewhere. What did you think we'd do, burn them on a pyre?'
'Forget I asked

Scott Lynch

#39. Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

Bauvard

#40. See, this is what the United States of America is all about.
You can wrestle a thousand bears and chew on a billion knives but in the end, you are only as good as the dude who stops you from dying of a gunshot while fucking a coyote.

Cory O'Brien

#41. This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

Terry Pratchett

#42. I, on the other hand, have no faith that your mission - whatever it is - can succeed. I'm content to bide my time here in this tiny, damp, worm-infested hovel and wait for the world to end. Cheers.

Gillian Bronte Adams

#43. I have become conscious of my own "cry face." My face puckers like the business end of a hot dog except for my mouth, which stretches in a grimace so wide as to accommodate said hotdog horizontally within it. It's not pretty.

Kelly Wilson

#44. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Steven Wright

#45. That's why you're going directly back to the house. The last thing we need is for you to end up in jail again, and I'm quite certain disassembling another lady's hair falls under the category of assault.

Jen Turano

#46. There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

Bo Burnham

#47. If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

Josh Stern

#48. It's okay, Fia," said Nathan from the end of the hallway. He carried a large bundle of white comforter in his skinny arms and dumped it on the couch. "Aaron sucks at compliments."

"I am quite adept with compliments," he said dryly. "But I do not praise bad behavior.

Deidre Huesmann

#49. This is so sweet I'm going to end up diabetic.

Kalayna Price

#50. Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, and then everything burst into flames.

Brian P. Cleary

#51. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Charles J. Sykes

#52. If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Dorothy Parker

#53. Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Mark Twain

#54. Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don't ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you

Donna Ball

#55. There is no end to the story. Isn't it amazing that something is really, really important one moment, and then minutes later it has lost all importance? What happened? It seems like it's gone away. It's been diffused. Amazing.

Art Hochberg

#56. The easiest lie ever told is a truth no one believes.- Sixteen Seconds

Aubrea Summer

#57. Check out that one at the end. He's taken the form of a footstool. Weird ... but somehow I like his style."
"That is a footstool.

Jonathan Stroud

#58. The History Of The Universe In Three Words
CHAPTER ONE
Bang!
CHAPTER TWO
sssss
CHAPTER THREE
crunch.
THE END

Iain M. Banks

#59. I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

Mitch Hedberg

#60. My dad told me that when I was born my cheeks were so fat the doctors didn't know which end to spank.

Sean Covey

#61. Significant thins shouldn't begin or end at Applebee's.

Matthew Norman

#62. My brief flash of relief and confidence melted away. Good thing it did, too. I'm sure the world would come to an end if I were allowed to feel a sense of relief and well-being for any length of time.

Jim Butcher

#63. When you get to the end of the road and feel like you've arrived at a place where you don't want to be, for pity sakes, turn around, back up and move in a different direction. There's no road in life that is a dead end unless you stop there permanently.

Toni Sorenson

#64. I can.
He rent his dark tresses,
Resulting in messes,
Thus prompting his L.I. to flee till,
she reached the end of the world and jumped off.
Perhaps I have untapped potential.

Franny Billingsley

#65. The Colonel explained to me that 1. this was Alaska's room, and that 2. she had a single room because the girl who was supposed to be her roommate got kicked out at the end of last year, and that 3. Alaska had cigarettes, although the Colonel neglected to ask whether 4. I smoked, which 5. I didn't.

John Green

#66. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... '

Tim Vine

#67. The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

Heather Hill

#68. Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Jimmy Carr

#69. Phoebus de Chateaupers likewise came to a 'tragic end': he married.

Victor Hugo

#70. What's that, forgone conclusion then you reckon, sir?' said the barman. 'Arsenal without a chance?'
'No, no,' said Ford, 'it's just that the world's about to end.

Douglas Adams

#71. I'll give you a cake if you get him in the stream by the end of the afternoon,' Mori said to Six.

'Hold on,' Thaniel said. 'No making criminals of the orphans, Fagin.'

'But I want some cake,' Six frowned. 'And his name isn't Fagin.

Natasha Pulley

#72. Be careful what you tell me. You could end up in my next novel.

P.C. Zick

#73. Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.

Jerry Coleman

#74. Therefore, you might end up, like be dead, with still having that notion of 'not giving up' in your mind.

Jay Mark D. Saga-ad

#75. But I was starving! You know I always forget my lunch - and who expects me to concentrate on Advanced Manga Drawing Level 2 when visions of pork buns and powdered doughnuts dance in my head? Teacher Suzuki acted like it was the end of the world just because I got hungry,
Bunny Lilka

Tiffany Fulton

#76. Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

Lois Greiman

#77. He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.

Terry Pratchett

#78. Each time we had a visiting writer, I asked what she thought of women and humor. By the end of the year, I had perfected my question and asked Adrienne Rich why there was so little written about women and humor. She looked at me right in the eye and said, 'You write it.' I took that as an order.

Kate Clinton

#79. Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.

J.K. Rowling

#80. Male writers who never find the stabilizing force of an understanding woman in their lives usually end up as the jaded figures of their days, the types who give much artistic expression to the world, but who are lonely in their overcrowded worlds of love.

Janvier Chouteu-Chando

#81. In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson

#82. At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3.

Jerry Coleman

#83. I don't understand how I could have believed you were a warm, affectionate, and tenderhearted person! You're obviously as prickly as a porcupine and any man who comes close to you will end up with a face full of quills!

Colleen Houck

#84. What the semicolon's anxious supporters fret about is the tendency of contemporary writers to use a dash instead of a semicolon and thus precipitate the end of the world. Are they being alarmist?

Lynne Truss

#85. Hey lady." Sandy wrapped her arms around Darcy's neck and kissed her cheek quickly. "So, are we burning anything of his in some occult ritual that will curse him and all his unborn children till the end of their days, or are we just going to key his car?

D.A. Rhine

#86. In the end, we all die for what we believe in... mostly because we all die.

Nazareth Bergeron

#87. I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.

Jeff Kinney

#88. In the end we are almost never happy or unhappy because of what happens to us; we are one or the other depending on the humor that flows inside us

Paolo Giordano

#89. Humor is unavoidable. It might not feel funny in the moment, but more often than not there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Ron Howard

#90. Some people live their memorable years fighting against their basic instincts only to succumb in the end to what was actually good for them.

Janvier Chouteu-Chando

#91. But in those first hours after you take it, your brain is tuned in like nothing you can imagine. Eyes like the Hubble telescope, sensing light that's not even on the spectrum. You might be able to read minds, make time stop, cook pasta that's exactly right every time.

David Wong

#92. Say, darling, I'm giving you this wonderful present, it's a machine that eats at one end and shits out the other, it's going to run for fifteen years, give or take, merry fucking Christmas.

Stephen King

#93. Mairi stared at Parlabane with an expression he had seen too often down the years: that look of distress at having discovered precisely how deep the rabbit hole goes, and what darkness lay at its end.

Christopher Brookmyre

#94. The afternoon's glory was tainted by the voice on the other end. I was so very sorry not to have the pleasure of meeting you, Mr. Haines. You're not living up to your part of the bargain.

Davis Bunn

#95. The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

T.H. White

#96. I am very flattered. I have also become a verb as in "I have cumberbatched the UK audience" apparently. Who knows, by the end of the year I might become a swear word too! It's crazy and fun and very flattering.

Benedict Cumberbatch

#97. If you see the light at the end
of the tunnel, you're looking
through binoculars the wrong
way

Josh Stern

#98. This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end.

George W. Bush

#99. The gene pool could use a deep end

Josh Stern

#100. Thou mutters, Miss Putnam. Speak up."
Like she couldn't hear. She'd hear Chess if Chess ran to the other end of the room, covered her mouth with her hands, and whispered "Fuck you," but she couldn't hear Chess standing four feet away from her.

Stacia Kane