Bauvard Quotes

#1. A ransom note, the true test of unconditional love.

Bauvard

#2. Children should have a balanced diet. They should only consume sugar, salt, and fat in equal quantities.

Bauvard

#3. I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I'm very well endowed.

Bauvard

#4. I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people's nightmares.

Bauvard

#5. Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

Bauvard

#6. The smaller the dinner table, the better the side conversation: you can gossip about the guests without fearing whether you will be overheard. It just isn't good table manners to exclude someone from their own ridicule. That's why the juiciest side conversations occur at a table for one.

Bauvard

#7. I happen to find ceilings much lovelier than the night sky myself. Sometimes I just stare at them for hours and wonder what could be up there.

Bauvard

#8. Attacking the person instead of the argument is condemned in logic, widespread in physics, and not used nearly enough in humanism.

Bauvard

#9. Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

Bauvard

#10. As a captain whose vessel is about to crash on the rocks empties its souls of doubt, so are the hesitant useful for throwing off of an enterprise nearing its end: blame must be cast in failure, profits divided easily in success.

Bauvard

#11. When a person encounters his own statue and takes a hammer to it, performance art adds depth to greatness.

Bauvard

#12. I may be slow, but I know a racist when I'm called one - and I am proud to support the supremacy of the 100-meter leisurely stroll.

Bauvard

#13. Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all.

Bauvard

#14. Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

Bauvard

#15. I have never sought to displease; I merely seek pleasure and avoid the pain it causes those who work to produce it. That is what it means to live by the leisure principle.

Bauvard

#16. Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

Bauvard

#17. It is a known fact that pain and pleasure are the two most basic elements of life. But the secret is to simplify that fact.

Bauvard

#18. If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

Bauvard

#19. An empty skull is the vanitas symbol of modern education.

Bauvard

#20. Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

Bauvard

#21. Neighbors are the most indecent sort of folk around. Nothing but voyeurs and gossipers. As a community we would be much better off without them.

Bauvard

#22. I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was 'excuse me'.

Bauvard

#23. To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

Bauvard

#24. Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits.

Bauvard

#25. It's best to only exercise when the air conditioning is working properly outside. A strong wind ensures one doesn't sweat very much.

Bauvard

#26. After all else, there's more yet: I don't know what, though.

Bauvard

#27. Don't believe anything I say. My point of view is merely objective.

Bauvard

#28. The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Bauvard

#29. When it's not enough to veto your children's tendencies, you must in vitro them.

Bauvard

#30. I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

Bauvard

#31. There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

Bauvard

#32. A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

Bauvard

#33. Self-awareness of one's faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.

Bauvard

#34. Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm.

Bauvard

#35. Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives.

Bauvard

#36. Spending one's last moments prostrated before the toilet is the supreme act of repentance. It allows one to relieve a heavy inner burden.

Bauvard

#37. Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.

Bauvard

#38. Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Bauvard

#39. I don't believe in a lot of phenomena that fall under the term 'parapsychology.' Especially that one branch, psychology. You're going to tell me there's something inside my head, controlling me?

Bauvard

#40. There are lots of things sons shouldn't imagine about their mothers, above all what it was like to become one.

Bauvard

#41. The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

Bauvard

#42. I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Bauvard

#43. I dropped out of school and congratulated myself for my diligence. Few realize how hard one has to work to resist the pressures of conventional success.

Bauvard

#44. I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

Bauvard

#45. The only way to tell a fable is to introduce a human. The only way to tell a proverb is to introduce your grandfather.

Bauvard

#46. I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

Bauvard

#47. Moderation: a median with no means, praised by those with no misfortunes, practiced by those with no merits.

Bauvard

#48. Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with.

Bauvard

#49. Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

Bauvard

#50. Be true to your divided selves. They're the only ones who will support you in moments of vacillation.

Bauvard

#51. Nothing is more attractive than universal appeal. That is what makes androgyny the peacekeeping persuasion.

Bauvard

#52. Divorce runs high these days, but I'm an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Bauvard

#53. Performance enhancements are most impressive when used by that sedentary athlete, the videogamer. After he turns to hitchhiking in disgrace, his giant thumbs can take him anywhere.

Bauvard

#54. I don't read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

Bauvard

#55. Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.

Bauvard

#56. We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.

Bauvard

#57. If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Bauvard

#58. Don't swallow: your bulging, blushing cheeks display the saliva you want to share.

Bauvard

#59. Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don't bother introducing yourself.

Bauvard

#60. When cultivating your garden, keep the soil healthy with encroachers. The most redolent flowers grow over graves.

Bauvard

#61. Use condoms; it's wise not to gamble with your children's future.

Bauvard

#62. Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Bauvard

#63. Without humor, we'd all be what we're laughing at. Without arrogance, we'd be humiliated to admit we already are.

Bauvard

#64. Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

Bauvard

#65. Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

Bauvard

#66. Like a valet who commits grand theft auto not to go for a joy ride but to open a used car lot, so do we seize upon love not to revel in its ecstasies but to haggle over its blue-book value.

Bauvard

#67. I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

Bauvard

#68. When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I'm a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

Bauvard

#69. It is so wearisome having to represent things. That is why I refuse to look at abstract art. It is much too suggestive of the style of my thoughts, and I never think about my thoughts.

Bauvard

#70. Buddhism: a violent religion that has compensated for the exploding human population by causing whole species of animal vessels to go extinct.

Bauvard

#71. Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. When your eyes meet she beams with happiness, but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes.

Bauvard

#72. Some people won't have kids, but I'm not going to have parents. I'm burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

Bauvard

#73. The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

Bauvard

#74. Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol.

Bauvard

#75. Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

Bauvard

#76. Hypocrisy is a quality found in others. I am an optimist. I believe that saying the right thing will eventually cause people to do the right thing for me.

Bauvard

#77. Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity.

Bauvard

#78. Pure joy is rare. That's why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Bauvard

#79. Usually I am the only subject I care to discuss with company. But when I'm getting reacquainted with an old friend, I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to them talk about me for a while.

Bauvard

#80. Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

Bauvard

#81. When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Bauvard

#82. Teacher: a master who, through personal example, inspires students to rebel against learning.

Bauvard

#83. Don't take drugs. Asking politely promotes healthy stereotypes.

Bauvard

#84. Envy is for people who don't have the self-esteem to be jealous.

Bauvard

#85. I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn't decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.

Bauvard

#86. Inconsistent parenting creates confusion. When I'm pitting mom against dad, they never know what to expect.

Bauvard

#87. The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Bauvard

#88. Privatization will always be a timid ideology as long as architects are allowed to unveil their buildings.

Bauvard

#89. When one's unconscious is full of vice, nothing realizes inner potential like hypocrisy.

Bauvard

#90. I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

Bauvard

#91. Give up your dreams; you'll accomplish more without sleep.

Bauvard

#92. Somewhere in the background of magnificence lurks the kitchen staff. But a magnificent person only forgets about his origins, never his brunch.

Bauvard

#93. When you don't hold your pipe with the proper poise, smoking is very hazardous for your image.

Bauvard

#94. I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I'm heaven's landscape painter.

Bauvard

#95. A hobby is labor disguising itself as leisure. It is extremely destructive to the boundaries of private life.

Bauvard

#96. I ran into an old friend on the street and we started up a conversation. Four hours and six bottles of wine later, we decided the weather was just too unpredictable, and we parted ways.

Bauvard

#97. It is remarkably precocious when a person accomplishes anything after the age of thirty.

Bauvard

#98. I compensate for my debauchery by being brilliant at it. I make sacrifices for it by waking up in a gutter covered in the fruits of my genius.

Bauvard

#99. The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.

Bauvard

#100. I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.

Bauvard