Cory O'Brien Quotes

#1. So the moral of the story
is that God hates vegetarians.

Cory O'Brien

#2. (He tells fortunes by throwing palm nuts and reading their patterns but I failed to clarify that because I was looking for an excuse to write "stare at my nuts.")

Cory O'Brien

#3. THIS IS WHAT TOM CRUISE BELIEVES IN

Cory O'Brien

#4. Dionysus the god of drinking so hard you wake up with TWO hangovers and then they FIGHT.

Cory O'Brien

#5. BUT ENOUGH SPIRITUALITY. BACK TO TITS AND BAD DECISIONS.

Cory O'Brien

#6. That's all any of these myths have been trying to do. To take a huge, terrifying phenomenon, something you can only stare at and go "whoa", and turn it into something more our size. Something we can fit inside our puny brains. Something really cool, even: a story.

Cory O'Brien

#7. Hey, is there a female version of wingman? Wingwoman sounds awkward. I'm coining a new phrase: Titcaptain. Tell your friends.

Cory O'Brien

#8. See, this is what the United States of America is all about.
You can wrestle a thousand bears and chew on a billion knives but in the end, you are only as good as the dude who stops you from dying of a gunshot while fucking a coyote.

Cory O'Brien

#9. So, basically, what it all comes down to is that we are made of tears from the disembodied eyeball of a guy who fucks his own shadow and surrounds himself with spit and puke.
I'm gonna go cry now.
I hope it doesn't turn it into babies.

Cory O'Brien

#10. [...]when everybody starts laughing at Ra's old hair and senility he gets real pissed and when you are a god and you are real pissed there is only one solution, my friends: GENOCIDE.

Cory O'Brien

#11. So as our story begins everything is going pretty good
the giants are leaving everyone alone for a minute
and everything is pretty okay
so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up by making a shitty deal with a giant.

Cory O'Brien

#12. And then Loki gets jealous of how pretty Thor is and is like "I wanna dress up too.

Cory O'Brien

#13. So the moral of the story is that the primary ingredient for a successful nation is guns.

Cory O'Brien

#14. So considering how the current official religion of China seems to be something like "Stand still while we bulldoze your house to build this dam" it's hard to put a finger on the relationship between ancient Chinese tales and any specific religion.

Cory O'Brien

#15. So Loki
(the god of being a needless prick all the time)

Cory O'Brien

#16. Throughout this section, I'm gonna be calling the United States of America "AMERICA" and you are going to deal with this because America is just flat out easier to type than "The States" or "The U.S. of A." or "That Big Basket of Jerks under Canada

Cory O'Brien

#17. and Thor really likes hair, I guess
so he gets SUPER ANGRY
and he chases down Loki and is like "Hey
how about I cut of all of your FACE?!"
and Loki is like "But I need my face
for making infuriating smirks with!

Cory O'Brien

#18. Loki sees her and he is like "Oh man that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER because I am Loki and that is what I DO.

Cory O'Brien

#19. Is it just me, or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue?

Cory O'Brien

#20. Narcissus is gorgeous. Like, imagine if someone could look exactly like bacon tastes and you have a pretty good picture of Narcissus (unless you're a vegetarian).

Cory O'Brien

#21. Like, a flood seems like a great way to punish every living creature in the world except for fish. What the hell is a god supposed to do when all the FISH start being assholes?

Cory O'Brien