Top 100 Jeremy Clarkson Quotes
#1. Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.
Jeremy Clarkson
#2. This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.
Jeremy Clarkson
#3. If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends' houses so they don't see its backside.
Jeremy Clarkson
#4. I dish the dirt out, and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it? In 20 years, I have taken any number of stories, most of which are not true, without a murmur of complaint. But some stories you have to draw the line and say No.
Jeremy Clarkson
#5. The "public" seems to have bought into this belief that life can, and should, be run without risk, that all accidents are avoidable, and that death is something that only happens to people who eat meat and smoke.
Jeremy Clarkson
#6. Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain.
Jeremy Clarkson
#7. Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!
Jeremy Clarkson
#8. Lego, however, is always opened and then left lying around so adults have something to tread on when they are prowling around around the house at two in the morning, in bare feet, looking for the source of a noise.
Jeremy Clarkson
#10. That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.
Jeremy Clarkson
#11. Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth
Jeremy Clarkson
#12. I am aware, of course, that many men do hate the sight of their wife and children. Doctors even have a name for these people: 'anglers'.
Jeremy Clarkson
#13. Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.
Jeremy Clarkson
#14. Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less.
Jeremy Clarkson
#15. The newest Ferrari of them all, the 458, the Italia. The GT3 was good, but nowhen near as good as this ... almost nothing on Earth is as good as this ... Set that something I've just told, involving Cameron Diaz ... and some honey ... then it comes that even that isn't as good as this.
Jeremy Clarkson
#16. Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.
Jeremy Clarkson
#17. Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.
Jeremy Clarkson
#18. I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.
Jeremy Clarkson
#19. The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian.
Jeremy Clarkson
#20. Recently, I spent eight days in a car with my co-host from Top Gear James May, who has a notoriously flatulent bottom. But because he was living on army rations the interior was always pine fresh and lemon zesty.
Jeremy Clarkson
#21. Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what BEING STABBED?
Jeremy Clarkson
#22. Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.
Jeremy Clarkson
#23. If we build three million new houses by 2020, where will we grow all the stuff needed to feed the people who live in them?
Jeremy Clarkson
#24. You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.
Jeremy Clarkson
#25. I look at everyone in their Honda CR-Vs and their BMW X3s and their Audi Q3s and I think, Are you all mad? An ordinary estate or hatchback costs less to buy and less to run and is nicer to drive, more comfortable and just as practical. But it doesn't take up so much bloody space.
Jeremy Clarkson
#26. I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.
Jeremy Clarkson
#27. [A Bugatti Veyron is] quite the most stunning piece of automotive engineering ever created ... At a stroke then, the Veyron has rendered everything I've ever said about any other car obsolete. It's rewritten the rule book, moved the goalposts and in the process, given Mother Nature a bloody nose.
Jeremy Clarkson
#28. In Conisborough there's no Hoxton Square to bring a bit of light relief. It's just mile after mile of broken windows and the bloody Earth Centre.
Jeremy Clarkson
#29. The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler
Jeremy Clarkson
#30. The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite
Jeremy Clarkson
#31. Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.
Jeremy Clarkson
#32. This is a hard job. Change gear, change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in a day.
Jeremy Clarkson
#33. The new MX-5 is like the new Ford Mondeo and the Subaru
Legacy Outback. It is one of those cars that's absolutely brilliant ... and nobody buys it. You never see one on the road.
Jeremy Clarkson
#34. I therefore have to use The Force. And weirdly, this doesn't work very well. I don't understand why, because on the last census, I put my religion down as Jedi Knight ...
Jeremy Clarkson
#35. I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said: 'Can we borrow yours?' and he said, 'Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.'
Jeremy Clarkson
#36. A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.
Jeremy Clarkson
#37. This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."
Jeremy Clarkson
#38. I wore a groove in the kitchen floor with endless trips to the fridge, hoping against hope that I had somehow missed a plateful of cold sausages on the previous 4,000 excursions. Then, for no obvious reason, I decided to buy a footstool.
Jeremy Clarkson
#39. We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an E. M. Forster novel.
Jeremy Clarkson
#40. I'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.
Jeremy Clarkson
#41. Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
Jeremy Clarkson
#42. If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3).
Jeremy Clarkson
#43. Whenever I'm suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.
Jeremy Clarkson
#44. Like every big organisation these days, the BBC is obsessed with the wellbeing of those who set foot on its premises. Studios must display warning notices if there is real glass on the set, and the other day I was presented with a booklet explaining how to use a door. I am not kidding.
Jeremy Clarkson
#45. The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off!
Jeremy Clarkson
#46. I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.
Jeremy Clarkson
#47. I'm having a nice cold pint and waiting for this to blow over.
Jeremy Clarkson
#48. Honest to God, the Qubo is so slow that if you climbed into one this morning in Hunstanton and attempted to drive south as fast as possible, coastal erosion would swallow you up by Wednesday evening.
Jeremy Clarkson
#49. Let's be perfectly clear, shall we. The fox is not a little orange puppy dog with doe eyes and a waggly tail. It's a disease-ridden wolf with the morals of a psychopath and the teeth of a great white shark.
Jeremy Clarkson
#50. We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras.
Jeremy Clarkson
#51. Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal.
Jeremy Clarkson
#52. I have had an amazingly fortunate life. I'm a child from Yorkshire, which is sort of like Cleveland without the pretty bits.
Jeremy Clarkson
#54. I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.
Jeremy Clarkson
#55. This is what should be meant by people power. The power for people to choose which of the government's petty, silly, pointless laws they want to obey. And which they don't.
Jeremy Clarkson
#56. ... it seemed appropriate that I should develop some kind of illness. This is a good idea when you are at a loose end because everything, up to and including herpes, is better than being bored.
Jeremy Clarkson
#57. If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.
Jeremy Clarkson
#58. When you've finished using a car, put the f***ing seat back, so humans can use it afterwards.
Jeremy Clarkson
#59. I read in the papers how much I'm earning and fall about laughing because I'm sure it's not that much; otherwise, I'd have an enormous boat. I'm literally not the slightest bit interested in money. I just don't pay any attention to money; it's rather vulgar.
Jeremy Clarkson
#60. Do they think that, if left to our own devices, we'd all park on zebra crossings for a year? If they do, it means they don't trust us. And if they don't trust us, then the relationship has broken down and it's time for some civil unrest.
Jeremy Clarkson
#61. Column writing is like gas - it fills the available space.
Jeremy Clarkson
#62. I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.
Jeremy Clarkson
#63. Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don't, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.
Jeremy Clarkson
#64. Sips fuel like a mouse sipping sherry from a hypodermic needle.
Jeremy Clarkson
#65. Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn't
you?
Jeremy Clarkson
#66. and although the W came along in the tenth century, modern Germans still seem to manage perfectly well by using a V instead. Except when the German managing director of Aston Martin tries to say 'vanquish'.
Jeremy Clarkson
#67. I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?
Jeremy Clarkson
#68. Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.
Jeremy Clarkson
#69. Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.
Jeremy Clarkson
#70. (on iPhone) the battery is fine. It lasts for four days. Though this might have something to do with the fact that I'm a man, and therefore only think to use a phone when I'm on a cliff, clinging to a branch, in a howling gale. And only then as a last resort.
Jeremy Clarkson
#71. Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!
Jeremy Clarkson
#73. Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he's called the Stig.
Jeremy Clarkson
#74. In Italy, you sometimes get the impression they'd be happier to lose the Ppe than lose their right to drive like maniacs.
Jeremy Clarkson
#75. When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It's not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I've never changed it. It's a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be.
Jeremy Clarkson
#76. As I've said before, I never understand why people ski down a slope to a bar and then go on a lift so they can ski down the same slope again. That's like walking to the pub on a Sunday, then going home and walking to the pub again. Madness.
Jeremy Clarkson
#77. I've been told by the BBC that if I make one more offensive remark, anywhere, at any time, I will be sacked. And even the angel Gabriel would struggle to survive with that hanging over his head. It's inevitable that one day, someone, somewhere will say that I've offended them, and that will be that.
Jeremy Clarkson
#78. Why is the forecast so bland? Why instead of 'stormy' don't they just say the sea's 'a frothing maelstrom of terror and hopelessness'?
Jeremy Clarkson
#79. The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.
Jeremy Clarkson
#80. There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!
Jeremy Clarkson
#81. Like many men, I can never find anything that I'm looking for, even when I'm actually looking at it. In a fridge, I think milk is actually invisible to the male eye. And so, it turns out, are dirty great holes in the fence.
Jeremy Clarkson
#82. Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare.
Jeremy Clarkson
#83. You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
Jeremy Clarkson
#84. I think it's a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit.
Jeremy Clarkson
#85. If you're writing, it means getting up and writing all day, and if you're filming, it's getting up and filming all day. I get up, go to my computer, write, turn it off, and go to bed. That is a Clarkson day.
Jeremy Clarkson
#86. It couldn't pull a greased
stick out of a pig's bottom
Jeremy Clarkson
#87. Argentina and Burma. I have been to most of the countries in the world, but not those two. I want to shoot doves in Argentina. Burma, of course, because no one has really been there.
Jeremy Clarkson
#88. Cows eat grass and silage. This is melting the ice caps and killing us all. So they need a new foodstuff: something that is rich in iron, calcium and natural goodness. Plainly they cannot eat meat so here is an idea to chew on. Why not feed them vegetarians?
Jeremy Clarkson
#89. They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away.
Jeremy Clarkson
#90. If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!
Jeremy Clarkson
#91. We are going to have to stop penalising people for making that most human of gestures- mistake
Jeremy Clarkson
#92. Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170hp is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling ... penguins ... while making love ... to a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage ... in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.
Jeremy Clarkson
#93. If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.'
Jeremy Clarkson
#94. Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.
Jeremy Clarkson
#95. Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?
Jeremy Clarkson
#96. I think people who watch 'Top Gear' think they're the only ones watching it, which I quite like, because it can hopefully last for a long time.
Jeremy Clarkson
#98. In the olden days it was easy to make a television work.You plugged an aerial cable into the back, then bashed the top with your fist until, eventually, Hughie Green stopped jumping up and down.
Jeremy Clarkson
#99. Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can't have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun - except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen.
Jeremy Clarkson
#100. If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth.
Jeremy Clarkson
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