Top 100 Funny Night Quotes
#1. It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.
Jackie Vernon
#2. Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."
My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look.
Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right.
"It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven."
"Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.
Jeaniene Frost
#3. It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.'
Garrett Hedlund
#4. On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
Frankie Boyle
#5. I have always been very fond of them (drama critics) ... I think it is so frightfully clever of them to go night after night to the theatre and know so little about it.
Noel Coward
#6. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
#7. Why do women always look so funny alone at night? she thought. I guess you're so used to seeing them with someone.
Shirley Jackson
#8. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield
#9. It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there.
Jerry Coleman
#10. Keith much preferred cats. A cat wouldn't go mad at a man traversing a wall in the dead of night; it would shrug and lick its arse
Simon Dunn
#11. So I watched the Pink Panther last night, and so I'm trying desperately to be funny, and then it's just not working out so good ... I wonder if maybe I could've been a comedian or something like that, or maybe I could've been a doctor, then I wouldn't have to make anyone laugh.
Dave Matthews
#12. Barefoot and pregnant. After the ruckus last night, I suppose I wouldn't be all that shocked if you managed it," Elijah muttered as Stunt passed him.
Stunt was officially in hell. It was like getting caught by his parents having sex. Worse...kinky sex.
Lyn Gala
#13. I froze all night. My back's killing me. I want home, and I'm scared to death. But I guess the view makes it all worth it."
"You're funny," Angel said
Jayde Scott
#14. I have always believed that the key to a happy marriage was the ability to say with a straight face, 'Why, I don't know what you're worrying about. I thought you were very funny last night and I'm sure everybody else did, too.
Judith Martin
#15. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield
#16. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
#17. Jesse, we can't do this."
"Sure we can, honey. It's the perfect night for it. You're a woman, I'm a
man. Those little twinkling things overhead are stars. I believe it's referred to as romance.
Christine Feehan
#18. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
Henny Youngman
#19. On quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walk out of the church a free man.
Jim Davidson
#20. I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."
Mitch Hedberg
#21. In my defense, the Easter Bunny is the weakest link in magical lore. I mean, you have to admit that the whole thing is ridiculous. A giant rodent who sneaks into people's homes at night to leave eggs filled with candy? How in the world is that symbolic of the Easter celebration?
Autumn Doughton
#22. You heard her the other night," Bruiser said. "She wants love. And devotion and compromise. Funny, isn't it, how women seem to want those things, when they're saying words like 'Till death do us part.
Tessa Dare
#23. I had a dream about you last night ... Well I say dream I mean nightmare ... you were a Yankee fan.
Nicole McKay
#24. I had a dream about you last night.
We moved into a cabin in the countryside.
I couldn't handle the spiders.
You couldn't handle my drama.
I moved back to the city.
Michael Summers
#25. I had a dream about you last night ... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.
Amy Summers
#26. A friend of mine from college is married to Neil Levy, who started on 'Saturday Night Live' in the early days and is a really great guy and funny writer.
Richard LaGravenese
#27. God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that.
Jon Acuff
#28. Mom let go of us and leaned back so she could look us both in the eye. "No more spending the night in the tree fort, you two.
Danielle Lee Zwissler
#29. Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
Ken Dodd
#30. Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you'd sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need?
Jayde Scott
#31. I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.
Groucho Marx
#32. I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead.
Doug MacLeod
#33. One night I realized that when you give people understanding and encouragement a funny little meek childish look abashes their eyes, no matter what they've been doing they weren't sure it was right - lambies all over the world.
Jack Kerouac
#34. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
Rodney Dangerfield
#35. You know who DOES have a funny bone in her body? Your Mom every night for a dollar!
Tina Fey
#37. Commissioner Marlowe stood on the platform with his arms crossed as we disembarked. He had the cheerful demeanor of someone who has been beaten about the face all night with a sock full of porridge--only even more so than usual.
William Ritter
#38. In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.
Anthony Jeselnik
#39. I didn't really notice that he had a funny nose.
And he certainly looked better all dressed up in fancy clothes.
He's not nearly as attractive as he seemed the other night.
So I think I'll just pretend that this glass slipper feels too tight.
Judith Viorst
#40. Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?
Conan O'Brien
#41. I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.
Lyn Nofziger
#42. Never mind the creepy eyes peeking in our windows at night, and following our every move as we drove around. No, that was all good, but stalking us in a grocery story? Line crossed, man.
Brandy Nacole
#43. Hey," Shayne said through the door. "You going to stay in there all night, because we're getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can't hear a damn thing.
Jill Shalvis
#44. It's funny how when you're up so late at night for so long your mind can get into these creative places, the kind of creative places that come to you when you're halfway between asleep and awake.
Steve Wozniak
#45. I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.
Michael Summers
#46. Grace headed in desperation for the coffeemaker. Apparently it was going to be one of those mornings. Funny how often those happened after a short night's sleep.
Thea Harrison
#47. WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.
Harriet Evans
#48. Ancient Chinese proverb," he said, heading toward the kitchen.
"He who butt-fucks all night wakes up with sore asshole.
Brad Boney
#49. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman
#50. It was Saturday night and I was feelin kinda funny,
Gold around my neck, pockets full of money.
Schoolly D
#51. Crystal ball and candle light, I want your dance tonight. Show me the power of love as we stand together in the middle of the night.
Santosh Kalwar
#52. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
Steven Wright
#53. When you are in something that you're proud of and it's funny and it's a good night out and all of those things, there's nothing quite like it. The rewards are proportionate to the amount of alarm and distress it causes you.
Bill Nighy
#54. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
Mitch Hedberg
#55. The leading lady had a large and saving sense of humor. But there is nothing that blunts the sense of humor more quickly than a few months of one-night stands. Even O. Henry could have seen nothing funny about that room.
Edna Ferber
#56. Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most of it.
Now that was an interesting thought. Heh.
Ilona Andrews
#57. Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
Frankie Boyle
#58. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
Mitch Hedberg
#59. Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer.
Charles M. Schulz
#60. The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
#61. Besides, do you think you would have come if I'd just popped into your tattoo shop one night around closing and
said, 'Hello, I'm the Prince of Darkness. Think you could help me out
with a little war next Tuesday, say, sixish?
Richard Kadrey
#62. I definitely knew I wanted to be an actor in high school. I was doing plays and musicals, and I loved 'Saturday Night Live' and thought that was what I wanted to do - funny sketches and comedies. So I knew then, but I didn't know how to go about it, but I found my way.
Jerry Trainor
#63. I sneaked out to his house a couple times in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept, just in case, I dont know, his comic book collection decided to spontaneously combust. This was dumb and admittedly creepy in an Edward Cullen kind of way
Cynthia Hand
#64. I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead
Michael Summers
#65. Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.
Dave Barry
#66. I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.
Michael Summers
#67. How did I prepare for night shifts? When I was a small, anxious kid, I checked my mom in her sleep to make sure she was still breathing.
Joyce Rachelle
#68. There isn't so much to be afraid of, out there. I can remember thinking it was funny to find that out, on the last night of my life; I'd spent the rest of it being afraid of everything.
Nick Hornby
#69. My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
Zach Galifianakis
#70. So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
Tommy Cooper
#71. All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
#72. I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
Michael Summers
#73. I love 'Saturday Night Live,' and it's such a funny show. I don't know if I'm funny enough to be on it but definitely would be interested in doing it.
Lindsey Vonn
#74. I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second ... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
Chelsea Handler
#75. Hello, beautiful. Just wrap those long, sexy legs around me and I'll ride you anywhere, any time you want." Talfryn
"This one's all yours. Go ahead, brother, wrap your long, sexy legs right around his waist and ride him all night long." Cadegan
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#76. I realized I'd only seen him at night in dim, flattering restaurant lighting. The sun was not his friend.
Augusten Burroughs
#77. Good night. Don't let the boogeyman bite"
"Mindy, there is no boogeyman, "I said as I snuggled in to bed, " I hauled Carl in years ago.
Kate Danley
#78. I think David Letterman is a genius. Night after night he is funny and smart. He seems to really enjoy his jokes. They seem connected to who he really is. I like watching him, and there is no one better at turning an awkward moment into something very funny.
Casey Affleck
#79. He wondered if her spy had stumbled upon his last night. When did he start thinking like his mother?
Johanna Lindsey
#80. Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.
Bauvard
#81. I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
Mitch Hedberg
#82. God (mentally on my knees), if I can just get through this night, I'll come to church. On Christmas. Every fifteen years. For the next fifteen years. So once.
K.F. Germaine
#83. I had a dream about you last night ... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.
Nicole McKay
#84. You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Chelsea Handler
#85. Don't get me wrong, I think "Portlandia" is really funny, and quite brilliant, but I like to be in a city where I can hang out in Powell's Bookstore most nights and go out with my friends in a liberal, relaxed atmosphere. I wish more cities were like that.
Johnny Marr
#86. It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'
Lewis Black
#87. One night I attended a Laughing Liberally comedy show. There was one funny comedian there - Lee Camp.
Matt Labash
#88. I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.
Michael Summers
#89. Hank wants to have a conversation tonight. We had a conversation last night! I can't have another conversation! He'l say shit that freaks me out because he's, like, in my brain. We haven't even known each other for two weeks! How can he be in my brain? It's unreal ..
Kristen Ashley
#90. Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,
If you listen to popular rumour;
From morning to night he's so joyous and bright,
And he bubbles with wit and good humour!
W.S. Gilbert
#92. I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist.
Michael Summers
#93. Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
Jerry Coleman
#94. In my old age, it's kind of funny - at night, what I like to do is watch TV when I go to sleep. And what I really like is to put on a Gene Autry film, because he sings really well. So he sings me to sleep.
Phil Everly
#95. I can tell you how bad our boards are ... I don't have to watch Saturday Night Live anymore; I just go to the board meetings.
Carl Icahn
#96. We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry every night. Well, that was probably true. They were all on a diet.
Ronald Reagan
#97. I don't really talk about my personal life. It's a strange and funny and weird thing. Sometimes you have a conversation with someone and the paparazzi snaps a picture of you and people decide you're dating. If I try to answer everything people say, I would be up all night.
Tracee Ellis Ross
#98. Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.
Jess C. Scott
#99. The sight of a tree at night full of glowing Clabbert lifestyles, while decorative, attracted too many Muggles wishing to ask why their neighbours still had their Christmas lights up in June.
J.K. Rowling
#100. I know I'm not funny. I mean, let's face it, I'm no Groucho Marx. But if you're a guy, and you're watching late night television, are you gonna start jacking off to Groucho? I don't think so!
Sarah Silverman
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