Top 100 Richard Kadrey Quotes
#1. I once considered learning to love iced coffee, but then I remembered I'd have to kill myself, so I gave up the idea.
Richard Kadrey
#2. If Jesus was a bartender, He would still only be half as cool as Carlos.
Richard Kadrey
#3. Nothing moves. Nothing makes a sound. It's as quiet as a pulled-pork-rib joint next to a synagogue. I
Richard Kadrey
#4. Kids need their minds blown every now and then. It'll keep them from thinking that managing a McDonald's is the most they can hope for.
Richard Kadrey
#5. I came ready to fight Genghis Khan and I walk in on a shut-in playing the biggest Dungeons and Dragons game in history.
Richard Kadrey
#6. Stay where you are." It's a raspy male voice. A whiskey voice or just someone who took a hit to the throat hard enough that it never healed right. There are six other guys behind him. All are armed with homemade blades, morning stars, and slings. "Who
Richard Kadrey
#8. Fortunately, I'm good at ignoring a lot of what my brain does.
Richard Kadrey
#9. She undoes a clasp on her golden gown and it falls to the floor. She's beautiful. The half of her that's covered in skin. The rest looks like Thanksgiving leftovers a couple of days past their prime.
Richard Kadrey
#10. Hell didn't make me a monster. It just confirmed all my worst fears about myself.
Richard Kadrey
#11. Maybe that's why Heaven is silent and God doesn't speak to man anymore. Heavenly intervention would blow the point spread.
Richard Kadrey
#12. I don't want to run for anything. I want to shove this miserable cheap-ass check so far up Wells's ass he can read the routing number out the back of his eyes.
Richard Kadrey
#13. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes, but underneath the Versace, she's Godzilla with tits.
Richard Kadrey
#15. A man of many thoughts but few words. Lucky for us all that it's not the other way around. Vidocq
Richard Kadrey
#16. When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not.
Richard Kadrey
#17. Being able to embrace contradictions is a sign of intelligence.
Or insanity.
Richard Kadrey
#18. That's more interesting than a two-headed calf singing "Some Velvet Morning" in tight harmony.
Richard Kadrey
#19. Mammon finally sees me as I step out from behind his floating map of the universe. The room is empty except for us. Mammon's dead officers have all winked out of existence and are on their way to Tartarus, the Hell below Hell. I
Richard Kadrey
#20. There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and mutant slabs of tanned, posthuman beef sip iced steroid lattes and pump iron until their pecs are the size of Volkswagens.
Richard Kadrey
#21. If Jesus, Jesse James, and a herd of pink robot unicorns strolled in walking on water, this bunch wouldn't even look up.
Richard Kadrey
#23. See? Even dead she makes me a better whatever-the-hell it is I am. A less stupid person. A more considerate monster.
Richard Kadrey
#24. In this life, no matter what anyone promises you, what allegiances of love or fealty they swear or what gods they pray to, you will never have more than what you have at this moment.
Richard Kadrey
#25. All these scars. The road map of my life. My armor.
Richard Kadrey
#26. We must always look after our friends, even when they are foolish. Especially when they are foolish.
Richard Kadrey
#27. Besides, do you think you would have come if I'd just popped into your tattoo shop one night around closing and
said, 'Hello, I'm the Prince of Darkness. Think you could help me out
with a little war next Tuesday, say, sixish?
Richard Kadrey
#28. You're quite the humanitarian. By the way, thanks a fuck of a lot for leaving me off your who-to-save list.
You're on it, Alfredo Garcia. I just didn't want to say it out loud and have you call me Nancy or Tinker Bell.
Yeah, I would have done that.
Richard Kadrey
#29. Maybe you could take us to meet them," says Delon. She raises her eyebrows. "When I called you a fool earlier, I meant it figuratively. Now you're making me think I might have a been a bit too generous." "But you know how to contact them." "Why would I do that?" Delon
Richard Kadrey
#30. Young man, there are some things in the world so profane that their only real value is in not knowing about them.
Richard Kadrey
#31. I guarantee you I'm not going to forget your voice. We're going to run into each other down the road sometime, and when we do I'm going to pop you apart one rivet at a time."
"There's the monster. Hello, monster.
Richard Kadrey
#32. He pulls the tape off Allegra's mouth. Grabs her BY THE HAIR and gives her a peck on the lips.
Richard Kadrey
#33. If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.
Richard Kadrey
#34. When you jump off a cliff, is it better to land on jagged rocks or burning lava? I know this one. The answer is obvious: It doesn't matter where you land. You just jumped off a cliff.
Richard Kadrey
#35. Death smiles at us all and all a man can do is smile back.
Richard Kadrey
#36. The angel in my head talks to me. He's a little Sherlock Holmes, which, I guess makes me Dr. Watson. I'm not wild about that. Better that he's Starsky and I'm Hutch. At least I get a cool car that way.
Richard Kadrey
#37. Did you send candy and flowers on Valentine's Day, Wells? It's okay, you know. He was a saint.
Richard Kadrey
#38. This is new. I never heard of Hellions vivisecting their own. They do it to some of the more heinous dead souls in the House of Knives, but not to each other. Whatever
Richard Kadrey
#39. She'd [Allegra] look like Foxy Brown's little sister, except her head is SHAVED SMOOTH.
Richard Kadrey
#40. I'll give you another example. The snake in the Garden of Eden?"
"Yeah?"
"It was just a snake. Humanity's first real decision was to defy God. So was mine. That's the reason I make you uncomfortable. We're so much alike.
Richard Kadrey
#41. Vices shouldn't be safe. They're what remind us we're alive and mortal.
Richard Kadrey
#42. The whole Mangarm crew is gaunt but the woman looks like a mummy with a hangover. But she's alive. I can hear her heart and smell her sweat, which isn't all that pleasant. She
Richard Kadrey
#43. In the Tarot deck, the Fool is depicted as a young man about to step off a cliff into empty air. Most people assume that the Fool will fall. But we don't see it happen, and a Fool doesn't know that he's subject to the laws of gravity. Against all odds, he just might float.
Richard Kadrey
#44. That's what Glocks are. High-precision killing machines that scream Daddy Issues.
Richard Kadrey
#45. Calm down. Deep breaths. Go to your happy place. Oh, wait. I don't have one.
Richard Kadrey
#46. She will replace us all soon. And you, you'll be back to yourself, as scarred and lined as Lucifer's scrotum." What can you say to that? I hold up my glass. "To the devil's balls." Allegra
Richard Kadrey
#47. They can talk shit about each other behind the others' backs, but when it comes down to it, money is the one true race and everyone down here is the color of greenbacks and as tall as mountains.
Richard Kadrey
#48. Fuck you, angel. Fuck you and all God's little prison bitches. He slips you some cigarettes and a con job smile and you run off to do his dirty work for him. Go and scare some sinners. No one's listening to you here.
Richard Kadrey
#49. The ashes of your existence will fertilize the soil for the universe to follow.
Richard Kadrey
#50. Malefic baneberry. It doesn't taste good, but one teaspoon and a skeleton would dance a jig. He
Richard Kadrey
#51. Sola goes back and disappears into the middle of the Vigil crew. Lots of grins and quiet chuckles back there. Law enforcement. It's like high school with better guns.
Richard Kadrey
#52. Traven stares at me. If eyes could scream, run home, and hide under the blankets, he'd be blind. Is
Richard Kadrey
#53. No one says anything. We've hit into one of those weird silences that happen when someone drops something too real into the middle of a conversation that should just have been about drinking and patting ourselves on the back.
Richard Kadrey
#54. Are you asking because you want to see if doc can turn you into a librarian when all this is over? [p.240:]
Richard Kadrey
#55. Thank you for that succinct description, but I prefer to go in with facts," says Julie. "Stark
Richard Kadrey
#56. No hospitals, she says.
I know.
Where are we going?
For ice cream. What's your favorite flavor?
Fuck you.
That's my favorite, too.
Richard Kadrey
#57. I should sit down and make a list of everything I missed while I was gone. If you can't smoke in bars anymore, what other atrocities has the world committed?
Richard Kadrey
#58. The room is a wreck. It looks like it was worked over by Linda Blair on a crack binge.
Richard Kadrey
#59. Let me make sure I have this straight. The cavalry just now rode into town and it's a Czech Gypsy porn-star zombie killer. Have I got that right?
Richard Kadrey
#60. God is the great janitor of the universe. Why things don't work is that we have a janitor in charge, and we keep looking for the landlord.
Richard Kadrey
#61. Don't drink too much."
"When I can spell out your name in shot glasses, I'll stop."
"I'll have to get a shorter name."
"I'll have to forget how to spell it.
Richard Kadrey
#62. I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar.
Richard Kadrey
#63. When it's true love you know why you're getting stabbed.
Richard Kadrey
#64. You can take the boy out of the Devil but not the Devil out of the boy
Richard Kadrey
#66. This is beautiful." "If you're Ronald Reagan, I guess." "The idea of it, I mean. The beauty hidden within the rot." "Sure. That's what I meant, too." I
Richard Kadrey
#67. It's more like how some people can't help but bring out the not necessarily righteous parts of your personality. Like how you meet someone and instantly know they're a full-time professional victim, and no matter how hard you try, something takes over and you can't help needling them.
Richard Kadrey
#69. You're God?" he says. "A piece of the pie, yes. You look disappointed. Turn that around, multiply it by a million, and you'll know how I feel about you people.
Richard Kadrey
#70. As sweet as it feels, I can't lie here forever curled up in a big ball of fuck-the-world.
Richard Kadrey
#71. This might be the end of the world as we know it, but it's still show biz.
Richard Kadrey
#72. Well said, young lady. You've ensnared me in a petite prevarication.
Richard Kadrey
#73. No need to kill everyone. They know not to let their Chihuahuas piss on my lawn.
Richard Kadrey
#74. To the dead. Let's think of them always, but not join them too soon.
Richard Kadrey
#75. No wonder Sherlock Holmes did all that coke. Math is hard.
Richard Kadrey
#76. Don't talk. Kill it.
That might be the sweetest thing a woman's ever said to me on a first date.
Richard Kadrey
#77. If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now.
Richard Kadrey
#78. And that makes a difference?" said Coop. "Let me put it this way," said Phil. "Were you fucked ten minutes ago?" "No." "Are you fucked now?" "Yes." "Then I guess it makes a difference." Coop
Richard Kadrey
#79. Enemies will kill you with a knife in the back. Friends will kill you with kindness. Either way you're dead.
Richard Kadrey
#80. There's the opposite of love at first sight. There are people walking the earth that the moment you meet them, you want to punch them and keep punching them.
Richard Kadrey
#81. It's so quiet and peaceful out here I'm getting bored with breathing. Maybe we'll get lucky and the world will go to Hell again. Fingers crossed.
Richard Kadrey
#82. There's another half that thinks you're just crazy." "Finally. My people." She
Richard Kadrey
#83. Maybe home isn't the place you love, just the place you know best.
Richard Kadrey
#84. Johnny nods and grins, but doesn't talk. He's overwhelmed by Muninn's gewgaws. I've
Richard Kadrey
#85. But she's not going to call the cops or stab me in my sleep, and what more can you ask of a pretty girl?
Richard Kadrey
#86. L.A. is what happens when a bunch of Lovecraftian elder gods and porn starlets spend a weekend locked up in the Chateau Marmont snorting lines of crank off Jim Morrison's bones.
Richard Kadrey
#87. I tap a Malediction out of the box, fire it up, and puff. It tastes like a tire fire in a candy factory next door to a strip club. The best cigarettes ever.
Richard Kadrey
#88. Try not to sing too many sad songs for yourself. The universe already hates you. Self-pity isn't going to help.
Richard Kadrey
#89. Besides Getting my ass kicked, my main accomplishment on this trip has been to massacre an incredible number of completely innocent clothes. I'm the Joseph Stalin of laundry.
Richard Kadrey
#90. It doesn't matter if you and everyone else in the room are thinking it. You don't say the words. Words are weapons. They blast big bloody holes in the world. And words are bricks. Say something out loud and it starts turning solid. Say it loud enough and it becomes a wall you can't get through.
Richard Kadrey
#91. Thanks for treating me like, you know, a person through all this shit. I know that isn't always easy. (Stark)
You do have a habit of pissing on other people's welcome mats. But, when a gentleman gives you a booty call to a massacre, it's easy to forgive. Ciao. (Candy)
Richard Kadrey
#92. Down here in the pain, I don't have to know. I just note the question and move on. Answers are rare and come in their own time but hangovers are reliable and never in short supply.
Richard Kadrey
#93. Sometimes just seeing a woman smile is like a knife in the heart. It hurts and it rattles your whole system, but against all your instincts you swallow the pain and keep looking. After a while you realize it doesn't hurt as much as you thought it would.
Richard Kadrey
#94. On mobile phones: "It looks like a TV remote fucked a little typewriter and this is the bastard offspring
Richard Kadrey
#95. The things we do to stay alive for another year. Another day. Another hour. The deals we make with the universe and ourselves. You start to feel dirty.
Richard Kadrey
#96. Shit," Jonny mumbled as he stepped on something soft and clinging in the doorway of the abandoned hotel. Then "Shit" again as he recognized the accuracy of his curse.
Richard Kadrey
#97. Fuck me. I'm a rock star. And all I really wanted was a burrito.
Richard Kadrey
#98. Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I'll send some flowers to your inner child.
Richard Kadrey
#99. Oh Christ. Put me back with the zombies, Strawberry Shortcake. [p. 411]
Richard Kadrey
#100. Thank God for whiskey or the world would be so full of secrets the weight would spin us into the sun.
Richard Kadrey
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