Top 100 Zach Galifianakis Quotes
#3. My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.
Zach Galifianakis
#4. The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.
Zach Galifianakis
#5. My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.
Zach Galifianakis
#6. When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.
Zach Galifianakis
#7. Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
Zach Galifianakis
#8. I'd like to do a reality show with four white people ... who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called ... Cracker Hunt.
Zach Galifianakis
#9. I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.
Zach Galifianakis
#12. Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
Zach Galifianakis
#14. The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.
Zach Galifianakis
#16. You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.
Zach Galifianakis
#17. I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
Zach Galifianakis
#18. My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
Zach Galifianakis
#19. At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
#20. I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'
Zach Galifianakis
#21. We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.
Zach Galifianakis
#22. My father used to beat me with his belt ... while it was still on him.
Zach Galifianakis
#23. Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.
Zach Galifianakis
#24. I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.
Zach Galifianakis
#26. I've never been in love ... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food
Zach Galifianakis
#27. I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'
Zach Galifianakis
#28. I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.
Zach Galifianakis
#29. I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.
Zach Galifianakis
#31. You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.
Zach Galifianakis
#32. My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
Zach Galifianakis
#33. I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.
Zach Galifianakis
#34. I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
Zach Galifianakis
#36. My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
Zach Galifianakis
#37. I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.
Zach Galifianakis
#38. I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
Zach Galifianakis
#39. I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.
Zach Galifianakis
#40. I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.
Zach Galifianakis
#41. I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .
Zach Galifianakis
#43. When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.
Zach Galifianakis
#44. I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.
Zach Galifianakis
#45. Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say.
Zach Galifianakis
#46. My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron ... and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
Zach Galifianakis
#47. Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.
Zach Galifianakis
#48. When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, 'Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.'
Zach Galifianakis
#49. It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.
Zach Galifianakis
#50. I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Zach Galifianakis
#54. The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
Zach Galifianakis
#55. I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.
Zach Galifianakis
#56. A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.
Zach Galifianakis
#57. American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.
Zach Galifianakis
#58. I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.
Zach Galifianakis
#59. I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
Zach Galifianakis
#61. I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.
Zach Galifianakis
#62. When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
Zach Galifianakis
#63. I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'
Zach Galifianakis
#64. Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.
Zach Galifianakis
#65. I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.
Zach Galifianakis
#66. 'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.
Zach Galifianakis
#68. You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before.
Zach Galifianakis
#69. It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.
Zach Galifianakis
#70. I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
Zach Galifianakis
#71. I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
Zach Galifianakis
#72. I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.
Zach Galifianakis
#73. Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
Zach Galifianakis
#74. That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.
Zach Galifianakis
#76. I once walked in on my grandparents making love ... And that's why I don't eat raisins.
Zach Galifianakis
#78. I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.
Zach Galifianakis
#79. Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
Zach Galifianakis
#80. You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
#83. But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.
Zach Galifianakis
#84. Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.
Zach Galifianakis
#85. I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.
Zach Galifianakis
#86. I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
Zach Galifianakis
#87. We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.
Zach Galifianakis
#88. I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.
Zach Galifianakis
#89. When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.
Zach Galifianakis
#90. As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.
Zach Galifianakis
#91. My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
Zach Galifianakis
#92. I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.
Zach Galifianakis
#93. I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.
Zach Galifianakis
#94. You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.
Zach Galifianakis
#95. Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
Zach Galifianakis
#96. Head gear, plus acne equals ... table for one in the cafeteria.
Zach Galifianakis
#97. I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.
Zach Galifianakis
#98. I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'
Zach Galifianakis
#99. Did you ever wake up with an erection ... and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
Zach Galifianakis
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