Top 100 Sarah Silverman Quotes
#1. I like to think of myself as 'hot-larious' I'm cute, but I'm totally approachable.
Sarah Silverman
#2. I'm sympathetic to the nuns' violent impulses. I mean, if I'd given up sex to devote myself to a man who I had to just trust loved me, despite never being physically around to prove it, I'd probably be smacking little children too.
Sarah Silverman
#3. I talk to friends who get their feelings hurt when they read Twitter mentions. I have an amazing solution - don't read Twitter mentions.
Sarah Silverman
#4. When you're a bed wetter there's only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they're hard to come by.
Sarah Silverman
#5. The audience works as such a mob. They either all laugh or all don't laugh, and, you know, changes from audience to audience.
Sarah Silverman
#6. When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.
Sarah Silverman
#7. Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.
Sarah Silverman
#8. I remember my first standup act when I was seventeen; I did a really lame song about being flat chested. I was doing it in New York, and I remember Kevin Brennan, the guy I lost my virginity to, was like "That song doesn't make sense, you have tits."
Sarah Silverman
#9. But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
Sarah Silverman
#10. If you decide to do comedy that involves risk, risk means risk, and you can't complain of flesh wounds if you sit down at the table to play.
Sarah Silverman
#11. I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show.
Sarah Silverman
#12. Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival.
Sarah Silverman
#13. If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.
Sarah Silverman
#16. Growing up, I always loved Disney movies, but the first movie I remember seeing is 'Sleepers,' so I wasn't really taken to children's movies.
Sarah Silverman
#17. The anxiety of being in Heather's stuff was stress-gravy on an already terror-filled plate.
Sarah Silverman
#18. If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean.
Sarah Silverman
#19. I looked up at this train car full of strangers, and my heart soared. In New Hampshire, I'd always felt like a goat among sheep; until I got to New York it had never occurred to me that there could be a place filled with other goats.
Sarah Silverman
#20. I'm very lucky in that I still experience highs and lows and I think those lows are important, but I am not totally paralyzed and it keeps me from just complete state of paralysis emotionally and almost physically.
Sarah Silverman
#21. Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.
Sarah Silverman
#22. I'm all sentimental. I've probably been ruined by romantic movies, but I really do believe in love. I've experienced it, I've had it, so I know it's real.
Sarah Silverman
#23. I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.
Sarah Silverman
#24. I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.
Sarah Silverman
#25. Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.
Sarah Silverman
#26. I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.
Sarah Silverman
#27. If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.
Sarah Silverman
#28. I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically.
Sarah Silverman
#29. Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know ... because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years ... but younger black women are prostitutes.
Sarah Silverman
#30. If you sell the Vatican and you take that money and you use it to feed every single human being on the planet, you will get cah-azy pussy. All the pussy. I don't mean literally. That might not be your cup of tea. I don't know what your version of 'all the pussy' is. But you'll get all the pussy.
Sarah Silverman
#31. My dad loves to be talked about, good or bad. He just loves it. He's not even hearing the content, he's just hearing him. When I'm onstage, he's looking at the audience members and can't believe that there are strangers listening to me, and he's just delighted by the whole thing.
Sarah Silverman
#32. It fills me with a weird rage to wear shoes that make me not able to walk easily or run if I had to. It feeds into this whole 'war on women' thing in my head.
Sarah Silverman
#34. I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.
Sarah Silverman
#35. I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
Sarah Silverman
#36. I never want to be in a position where I have to defend my material. It's too subjective. It's for other people to defend or not defend.
Sarah Silverman
#37. I think fake boobs have done great things for real boobs. I think people finally appreciate real boobs. People like real boobs. I do. I also enjoy the fact that they are life-nourishers.
Sarah Silverman
#40. I am 39 years old, and I still wake up every morning really excited I don't have to go to school.
Sarah Silverman
#41. Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.
Sarah Silverman
#42. Why would I become involved with something that doesn't include everyone? If you're getting married today, it's the equivalent of joining a country club that doesn't allow blacks or Jews.
Sarah Silverman
#43. Look, I get it. Loose stools are grosser than solid ones. But the censor is using the context of her own life history with all her hang-ups to answer the question, Is there a defensible ratio of fiber to water in this stool?
Sarah Silverman
#44. I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
Sarah Silverman
#45. I definitely think that prescription drugs, like antidepressants, are prescribed so cavalierly, anyone can get anything, but I need it. I do think that it needs to work hand and hand with therapy.
Sarah Silverman
#46. My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.
Sarah Silverman
#48. I'm doing a lot of stand-up, but not like when you're living in New York and you can do three sets a night and it's your life, and you sleep all day and you wake up and you eat with a bunch of other comics and then get ready for the night.
Sarah Silverman
#49. People who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews I promise you, God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer.
Sarah Silverman
#51. I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love.
Sarah Silverman
#52. The worst thing that can happen for people who don't want women to be strong is that we help each other and become a force.
Sarah Silverman
#53. Traditionally, I have no right to talk about race. I'm white; I didn't grow up in an all-black neighborhood. But the license I see for myself is I'm a member of the world.
Sarah Silverman
#54. I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.
Sarah Silverman
#56. I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.
Sarah Silverman
#57. Take lots of time for yourself, discovering yourself-pursue not only a profession but other life passions, I always make time to rock climb or hike or write a few short stories. Also, find good people and surround yourself with them. Most importantly, always believe you will, unequivocally.
Sarah Silverman
#58. If life is a meal, then diaries are the toilets in which we shit out its vile remnants.
Sarah Silverman
#59. If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager's face. Instead, I hugged him. (about getting the SNL gig as a writer)
Sarah Silverman
#60. And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.
Sarah Silverman
#61. Comedy is about talking about my own experience, and I'm a woman, and that's my experience, and just because it isn't yours doesn't invalidate it.
Sarah Silverman
#62. Anything television trivia I'm good at. But when you're on your couch, you're really good at it, but when you're standing there, it's probably scary.
Sarah Silverman
#64. I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not for me. I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger.
Sarah Silverman
#65. I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror ...
Sarah Silverman
#66. I do know that I can take a punch. I've been punched in the face three times. That's, I think, a really important thing to know about yourself. It helps you in life. It helps you be brave when you know you can take a punch. I'm a lover, not a fighter. But, God bless me, I can take a punch.
Sarah Silverman
#67. Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.
Sarah Silverman
#69. One of the greatest things my therapist said to me ... and it really blew my mind in the greatest way, he just said, "Look in the mirror less."
Sarah Silverman
#70. HE BROKE HIS NOSE GIVING A FAKE BLOWJOB. Holy shit. I love that story with every part of me.
Sarah Silverman
#72. I grew up in a house where there were no taboos, so it came originally from a pretty innocent place, where I was shocked at the things that shocked people.
Sarah Silverman
#76. I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it's a form of self-torture.
Sarah Silverman
#77. I'm doing stuff on Kaballah and Scientology and a little bit more racial stuff, for good measure.
Sarah Silverman
#78. Mother Teresa didn't walk around complaining about her thighs
she had shit to do.
Sarah Silverman
#79. I learned pretty early is I never defend my material; it's for other people to if someone is offended. It's so subjective, and if you don't find it funny, it's definitely going to be offensive.
Sarah Silverman
#80. I have no religion. But culturally I can't escape it; I'm very Jewish.
Sarah Silverman
#81. I'm personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.
Sarah Silverman
#82. I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.
Sarah Silverman
#83. It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.
Sarah Silverman
#84. When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.
Sarah Silverman
#85. Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.
Sarah Silverman
#86. Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated
Sarah Silverman
#87. You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.
Sarah Silverman
#88. The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.
Sarah Silverman
#89. I can't believe how much time has passed. The first time I did stand-up I was 17, and I was really a stand-up once I was 19 in New York, and now I'm 41, and I still feel like I haven't found myself onstage.
Sarah Silverman
#90. Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.
Sarah Silverman
#91. As a kid, I was terrified. I was a bed wetter, and I had to go to sleepaway camp every summer, which was humiliating and terrifying. I had lots of insecurities and scaredness.
Sarah Silverman
#92. The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.
Sarah Silverman
#93. People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things. I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.
Sarah Silverman
#94. I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people. It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it.
Sarah Silverman
#95. I've never had an abortion. And I don't know if I would. But, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't fight to the death for women to make their own choices for their own human bodies.
Sarah Silverman
#96. I feel so confident and awesome and sexy when I'm with people who are older than me, and I've always been surrounded by people who are older than me. But to be vital in comedy, you have to exist in a world that's dominated by young people.
Sarah Silverman
#97. I don't get this shitty attitude that only gays should care about gay issues and only women should care about women's issues.
Sarah Silverman
#98. Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.
Sarah Silverman
#99. Some things are just for private. It's like people thinking I'm cold or this or that. It's unfortunate, but I don't need strangers to know that I'm warm. I don't need strangers to know the real me.
Sarah Silverman
#100. One thing I learned over the years since then is that the hours you work on a show are directly related to the happiness of the head writer's marriage.
Sarah Silverman
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