Last Night Funny Quotes

#1. Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.

Eugene Ormandy

#2. I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist.

Michael Summers

#3. Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.

Jerry Coleman

#4. If the worst that happens is that I wake up and see a picture of myself and a headline saying, 'He wasn't very funny last night', then I've got nothing to complain about.

Matt Lucas

#5. Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

T.J. Klune

#6. Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Henny Youngman

#7. Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don't think so though I'm not sure if I'd like to be and argh I don't think there's anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.

Jess C. Scott

#8. If that was the last event of the night, it would have made a terrible ending. It was just the beginning, though.

John Duover

#9. I had a dream about you last night ... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

Amy Summers

#10. I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Tommy Cooper

#11. I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.

Michael Summers

#12. It's funny, I had dinner with my dear friend John Spencer last night and I'm not in the first episode, but he's at the beginning of it and he was telling me about it and I thought this sounds very hot because I think this is definitely the last year of West Wing.

Stockard Channing

#13. Hank wants to have a conversation tonight. We had a conversation last night! I can't have another conversation! He'l say shit that freaks me out because he's, like, in my brain. We haven't even known each other for two weeks! How can he be in my brain? It's unreal ..

Kristen Ashley

#14. Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.

Jay Leno

#15. A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

Sam Ewing

#16. Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

Craig Ferguson

#17. Wakin' up to find another day. The moon got lost again last night, but now the sun has finally had its say.

Gwen Stefani

#18. Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much."
"Dick. That's not what you said last night."
"Bite me.

Rachel Caine

#19. My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma.

Jo Brand

#20. What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

Rodney Dangerfield

#21. I can't kill him." Celena
"You can do it baby." Rafeal
"You told me just last night that you wanted to choke the life out of me." Rafael
That was for hogging the remote, and I wasn't serious. This is entirely different." Celena

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#22. What the fuck is going on Lor? What the hell did you do last night? What did you say to Kacey? Who the hell is Blue Eyes and why is my car spray-painted with the word 'asshole'?"

Spray-paint? Oh dear God, what have I done?

Joanne McClean

#23. Nico: By the time I drove back home last night, I'd gotten myself under control. I'd reasoned with my hard-on until it finally saw my way. Who knew you could reason with a fucking hard-on. I guess I never tried. I just took care of it, did what it wanted me to.

Vi Keeland

#24. I had a dream about you last night ... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.

Amy Summers

#25. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

Mitch Hedberg

#26. So I watched the Pink Panther last night, and so I'm trying desperately to be funny, and then it's just not working out so good ... I wonder if maybe I could've been a comedian or something like that, or maybe I could've been a doctor, then I wouldn't have to make anyone laugh.

Dave Matthews

#27. Barefoot and pregnant. After the ruckus last night, I suppose I wouldn't be all that shocked if you managed it," Elijah muttered as Stunt passed him.

Stunt was officially in hell. It was like getting caught by his parents having sex. Worse...kinky sex.

Lyn Gala

#28. I have always believed that the key to a happy marriage was the ability to say with a straight face, 'Why, I don't know what you're worrying about. I thought you were very funny last night and I'm sure everybody else did, too.

Judith Martin

#29. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

#30. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

Henny Youngman

#31. I had a dream about you last night ... Well I say dream I mean nightmare ... you were a Yankee fan.

Nicole McKay

#32. I had a dream about you last night.
We moved into a cabin in the countryside.
I couldn't handle the spiders.
You couldn't handle my drama.
I moved back to the city.

Michael Summers

#33. I had a dream about you last night ... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.

Amy Summers

#34. I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead.

Doug MacLeod

#35. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Rodney Dangerfield

#36. I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.

Michael Summers

#37. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Rodney Dangerfield

#38. I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead

Michael Summers

#39. I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

Michael Summers

#40. There isn't so much to be afraid of, out there. I can remember thinking it was funny to find that out, on the last night of my life; I'd spent the rest of it being afraid of everything.

Nick Hornby

#41. All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright

#42. I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

Michael Summers

#43. He wondered if her spy had stumbled upon his last night. When did he start thinking like his mother?

Johanna Lindsey

#44. I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

Mitch Hedberg

#45. I had a dream about you last night ... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.

Nicole McKay

#46. It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

Lewis Black

#47. I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.

Michael Summers