Top 100 Baby Humor Quotes
#1. When you have two notes from two different performances Auto-Tuned, it sounds like a car horn. And then you add harmonies, and it starts to sound like baby seals honking. - Tom Lord-Alge on Auto-Tune
Greg Milner
#2. No other formula gives your baby a better start in life except that stuff that comes out of you for free.
Tina Fey
#3. I've never really understood the desire people have to quantify a baby. "He's X big and Y long," As if the baby is a fish you're not sure you're going to keep. Or some prize potato you're hoping will win a prize at the county fair.
Patrick Rothfuss
#4. She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That's life. That's love. That's fiscally irresponsible.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#5. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
Christopher Moore
#6. Oh baby", Madoc groaned to the girl next to him. "Snickers ain't the only thing king sized.
Penelope Douglas
#7. He's more how Satan would look if he needed to seduce you into drowning a baby.
Eve Dangerfield
#8. Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.
P.G. Wodehouse
#9. If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
Doug Stanhope
#10. America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
Stephen Colbert
#11. Hey baby, do you want to hold my Whopper?
N.M. Silber
#12. If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?
Jane Wagner
#13. If you refuse to entertain a baby cousin, the baby cousin may get bored and entertain itself by wandering off and falling down a well. If you refuse to entertain a pack of hyenas, they may become restless and entertain themselves by devouring you.
Lemony Snicket
#14. I rarely give advice - your personal growth will only make me look worse by comparison - but as a suggestion, find your most psychotic baby picture and have it on hand for those days when you want to throw in the towel. It is both joyful and effective.
Anna Kendrick
#15. Crayola makes all kinds of crazy colors. You know. Burnt umber. Burnt sienna. Blanched almond. Baby-shit yellow. And so on, and so forth. I'm just saying, cockroaches Have their own color. It's distinct. Crayola should get on that. The kids'll love it.
Chuck Wendig
#16. Basically I'm pretty sure my mom thinks a well-thought-out list has the power to make time her personal bitch.
Susan Ranelle Amari
#17. Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
Lemony Snicket
#18. Oh, God, oh, God. A sense of humor. She'd thought the hardly-even-a-hint she'd caught of it a while back had been a one-off thing, but that was a joke he'd just made. An honest-to-God joke! She wanted to have his baby.
Susan Andersen
#19. By the way, don't you think shoving a light bulb up baby Jesus' butt and plugging it in is just a little sacrilegious?
Dana Marie Bell
#20. Mostly you love them and you cherish their milestones but occasionally you do want to tape them to a chair. That would be child abuse, DO NOT TAPE YOUR CHILDREN TO CHAIRS. If you want to tape your baby dolls to chairs, be my guest. I am fairly certain that there isn't like a Cabbage Patch CPS.
E. A. Davis
#21. Is this the baby?" I said.
Ma turned on me again.
"What do you think it is?" she said. "A midget that can't talk?
George Saunders
#22. By-the-bye, what became of the baby?" said the Cat. "I'd nearly forgotten to ask."
"It turned into a pig," Alice answered very quietly, just as if the Cat had come back in a natural way.
"I thought it would," said the Cat, and vanished again.
Lewis Carroll
#23. Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
#25. Alright baby." I grab the soup and my purse. "I think I'm ready to go repel a sad boy. I got my ring, my hickey, a naked face, glasses, and conservative hair, unless you also need to pee on my leg to ensure he picks up your scent?
Gisele Walko
#27. Stephen ... you know how, when a baby is first born, it just cries at the sheer horror of being alive?
Bryan Lee O'Malley
#28. I can't possibly take time off for a second baby, unless I do, in which case that is nobody's business and I'll never regret it for a moment unless it ruins my life.
Tina Fey
#29. How's the world treating you this morning?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.
Biyi Bandele-Thomas
#30. Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'
Dylan Moran
#31. I've got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I'm gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them PUNISHED with a baby.
Barack Obama
#32. Where's your instruction manual?" I asked him. "What's the baby
customer-service number?
Lisa Kleypas
#33. That's one small step for a man ... but a really big step ... for a baby.
Harlowe Pilgrim
#34. Here's how to freak out a baby: sit across from the baby, engage with him or her, and then suddenly become still. If this goes on for more than a few seconds, with you looking all corpselike, the baby will become upset.
Paul Bloom
#35. What do you do for fun in this town?
Well, you know. Wash dishes. Wipe up baby drool, put a new quart of oil in him once in a while. Watch the Weather Channel to see if any of the neighbors have been blown away by a tornado. Eat too much cheese and get cheese farts.
Keeps you busy, huh?
Nick Wilgus
#36. We have to actually choose a name," Kane murmured above her head. "We can't keep calling him 'baby.' When he's fifteen he might resent it.
Christine Feehan
#37. Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit. This is not the time to mention your pet peeve about expectant fathers talking how 'we' are having a baby. Don't. Don't.
MaryJanice Davidson
#38. We have to be back in three hours," Ronan said. "I just fed Chainsaw but she'll need it again."
"This," Gansey replied "is precisely why I didn't want to have a baby with you.
Maggie Stiefvater
#39. I live for a woman who scratches, just make sure to keep it on the back, baby, I dont like scars." ~Otto Carvalletti
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#40. Over time, parents have barnacled the most routine activities in infancy with their own preoccupations. It's sometimes hard to see the baby for all the barnacles.
Nicholas Day
#42. Jack has been cracking the whip. Er ... I mean ... " I flush and fall silent.
Christian says nothing for a moment.
"Cracking the whip, eh? Well, there was a time when I would have called him a lucky man." His voice is full of dry humor. "Don't let him get on top of you, baby."
"Christian!
E.L. James
#43. The baby dove into the room, transforming grotesquely as it landed on the floorin a deft sumersault
Brandon Mull
#44. If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry
#45. He tries, but I don't let go. I am like the woman who pushes a car off a baby. Adrenaline courses through every inch of my body, and Enrico cannot break free.
Julie Sarff
#46. You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff.
Colleen Houck
#47. Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It's death porn for the masses.
Laurie Halse Anderson
#49. Burn, baby, burn," she muttered in a hard, satisfied voice.
I cleared my throat. "As much as I hate to interrupt the supreme satisfaction you're taking in watching the mansion blaze to the ground, I'd really
like to get out of here before the whole house collapses on top of us.
Jennifer Estep
#50. As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul ... '
Adam Ferrara
#51. New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please
the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.
Bill Maher
#52. I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
Chelsea Handler
#53. I joked with the anesthesiologist for a while, and then a nurse handed me a baby.
Matthew Amster-Burton
#55. Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits.
Bauvard
#56. I'll do anything to be good for you, Tate."
"Anything, baby," I promised.
"Anything?" she laughed out, her eyes bright with happiness and love.
"Have you ever considered a nipple piercing?
Penelope Douglas
#57. Groceries, baby, listen to your friend Richard. You go set your lily-white ass down in that meditation cave every day for the next three months and I promise you this
you're gonna start seeing some stuff that's so damn beautiful it'll make you wanna throw rocks at the Taj Mahal.
Elizabeth Gilbert
#58. When men and women produce a baby together for the first time, it's an absolute festival of mutual incompetence.
From The Wife Drought
Annabel Crabb
#60. Olivia sat back and propped her half-boots on the table. 'So far it's working. He has to return to me because I have his sister hostage.' She briefly put her fingertips to her lips. 'Did I just say that? I mean I'm protecting the baby sister and earning his trust
Kresley Cole
#61. Anna's spiritual formation was relegated to cultural expressions of faith: the Christmas Baby Jesus and his gifts, the Easter risen Christ and his chocolate bunnies, and a copy of The Thorn Birds pulled from her mother's bookshelf.
Jill Alexander Essbaum
#62. Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.
Lemony Snicket
#63. The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.
Dave Barry
#64. There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!"
...
"Sadie," My dad said firmly, "Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as 'poochiekins'.
Rick Riordan
#65. Whence comes this idea that if what we are doing is fun, it can't be God's will? The God who made giraffes, a baby's fingernails, a puppy's tail, a crooknecked squash, the bobwhite's call, and a young girl's giggle, has a sense of humor. Make no mistake about that.
Catherine Marshall
#66. Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.
Lois Greiman
#67. Petunia's having a baby."
"What?"
"Petunia!" Georgie said, more urgently. "She's having puppies in the dryer!"
"No, she's not. She's having a C-section in two weeks."
"Great!" Georgie shouted. "I'll go tell her!
Rainbow Rowell
#68. Baby, it's either laugh or cry and crying takes way too much energy. If you can't find humor in the shit life heaps on you, you really will grow miserable.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#69. How about if you turn over, baby?" Wolf licked his way up Tristan's back to nibble at the spot between his shoulder blades. "And we can take turns working our way through these condoms my mom brought us.
Rhys Ford
#70. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
#71. Fuck you . . . you fucking body-dysmorphia porn-addict trust-fund-baby compulsive-masturbation motherfucker.
Warren Ellis
#72. Baby, you're so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.
Rhys Ford
#73. I was sleeping like a baby - waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants.
John Swartzwelder
#74. He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it.
Judith Arnold
#75. Iain didn't know what to say to her. They had all asked an incredible amount from her. She was such an innocent, too. Hell, she wasn't even married, and yet they'd demanded she deliver a baby. He wasn't even certain if she knew how Isabelle had conceived the babe.
Julie Garwood
#77. And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.
Cassandra Clare
#78. Bobby Tom: You're supposed to be my assistant, not a baby-sitter!
Gracie: One and the same.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#79. She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen.
Christopher Moore
#80. Sweetheart, the baby keeps you up all night , it's definitely a boy. He winks.
Samantha Towle
#81. Do you know how much a freaking baby costs? A million dollars.
Gemma Halliday
#82. Good morning, baby. You know that the government has a responsibility for their own actions.
Zechariah Barrett
#83. I want to attend a Pampered Chef party about as much as I want to go to a used auto parts party where you can win a baby monkey as a door prize.
Carol Maloney Scott
#84. Dressing, I chose the second shirt, the one softened in the mouth of a trained and perfumed albino hippopotamus and made entirely of pigeon's wool, because it goes better with the shoes than the one stitched with baby hair.
Nick Harkaway
#85. You can call me Pastor-and before Mr. Sox Fan gets his panties in a wad, I want everyone to know I'm legit. I went online, took a minister's course in under an hour, and I'm ordained, baby.
J.R. Ward
#86. You aren't afraid of needles. I see one, and I start crying like a baby."
"I've never seen you cry."
"It's on the inside.
Gena Showalter
#87. Being an author of a book is like being a mother of a debutante in the Middle Ages. You have to present your baby to society and provide her with dowry, and in your heart, you hope that some royalty spends a night with her and ensures her way to success.
Elvira Baryakina
#88. You snore."
She stopped in the middle of the hallway and gaped. "I do not."
"Oh yeah, you do." He nodded, beaming from ear to ear. "Cute, kind of baby snores, but still snores by standard definition. Maybe that was the problem that broke up you and David. Doctors need their sleep, you know.
Jennifer Shirk
#89. Your father is proud of us for having a
baby."
Gabriel nodded, as he continued brushing.
"That means he's proud of us for having sex and you for impregnating me. Do you think they make T-shirts for grandfathers that express those sentiments?
Sylvain Reynard
#90. Who brings baby pictures on an international flight?" I hissed. "If I'd wanted my bare ass paraded in front of all the first-class ticket holders I'd have mooned everyone before we took off!
Jennifer Rardin
#91. Interesting. Stonecipheco Baby Foods. Not a bad line of products, really. A bit soft and runny for my taste, of course ... "
"Well, it's infant food, really, Norman.
David Foster Wallace
#92. Nine people can't make a baby in a month.
Fred Brooks
#93. Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.
Heather Chapple
#94. I watched my friend Eleanor give birth," she said. "Once you've seen a child born, you realize a baby's not much more than a reconstituted ham and cheese sandwich. Just a little anagram of you and what you've been eating for nine months.
Lorrie Moore
#95. Ed said, "I can tell you, when we heard that baby was going to be all right, there wasn't a dry seat in the castle."
"I'm so happy to hear that," Marigold sold. "I think.
Jean Ferris
#96. He was already thinking about the videos he was going to make to teach his baby about calculus when he climaxed.
Neal Stephenson
#97. I mean that it's all right to go to bed with an asshole but don't ever have a baby with one.
David Gilmour
#98. Your baby is crying, says the driver to Taiwo, the Ghanian way of saying your cell phone is ringing.
Taiye Selasi
#99. So you're the guy who did the no-no cha-cha with my baby sister.
Lish McBride
#100. You can't know, sweetie, because you've never had a baby become a brilliant young reader with a side interest in horrible television shows, but the joy you bring us is so much greater than the sadness we feel about your illness.
John Green
