Nick Wilgus Quotes

#1. By the way," he said. "You know that little black thing that you carry around? It rings and beeps and stuff?" "My phone?" "Try using it.

Nick Wilgus

#2. If you love Southern men, raise your glass. If you don't raise your standards.

Nick Wilgus

#3. Can you do me a favor?" he asked. "What's that?" "Shut up and kiss me like you mean it." So I did.

Nick Wilgus

#4. Insanity doesn't run in our family," I said. "It strolls along, takes its time and gets to know you personally.

Nick Wilgus

#5. I WOKE the next morning with a silly smile on my face. Like Donna Fargo, I was the "Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A." even though I was still "Sleeping Single in a Double Bed.

Nick Wilgus

#6. Please, sweetie darling honey baby, you hunk of a man, you?" "When you put it that way ... .

Nick Wilgus

#7. Kids are always hanging on your tits," I added. "By the time they grow up, you've got tits down to your knees and curvature of the spine.

Nick Wilgus

#8. It was a love story about a father and a son. The rest was window dressing. As a love story between a parent and a child, it was universal. Didn't matter that I was gay, that he was deaf, that we didn't fit in, that we were each outcasts in our own way

Nick Wilgus

#9. Do close your mouth. You look like a cow that's being artificially inseminated.

Nick Wilgus

#10. And he still thinks that Obama was never the president because he's not a US citizen! He's more than just a little bit out there." "He's unconventional." "He played golf with Donald Trump!

Nick Wilgus

#11. This is the South and we have our own ways of doing things down here. We're not going to sit back in silence while people like Wiley ram their homosexuality down our throats."
"God knows I ain't about to put my homosexuality in your mouth, Billy," I said.

Nick Wilgus

#12. The Lord gave you a backbone because He wanted you to use it. So use it.

Nick Wilgus

#13. It's not like you need a Ph.D to slave your tits across a hot stove.

Nick Wilgus

#14. Paulie's got so much Jesus, he's going to need an enema to get it all out of him,

Nick Wilgus

#15. God, fate, the universe, luck - we had been thrown together in this thing we call life for reasons we might never be able to fathom.

Nick Wilgus

#16. What he lacked in experience, he made up for in enthusiasm and the sweetness of innocence.

Nick Wilgus

#17. I had to use the blow dryer this morning to unthaw my privates.

Nick Wilgus

#18. A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips," Mrs. Ledbetter taunted. "I'd think twice about dessert. Besides, we don't have a trough.

Nick Wilgus

#19. Sex is a good antidepressant."
"Oh, please."
"When was the last time you were getting a blow job and you said, 'Oh, you'll have to stop, I'm depressed'?"
"I see your point.

Nick Wilgus

#20. PAUL RAKESTRAW, I SAID GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Nick Wilgus

#21. But I don't just want you to get into my pants," he said. " I want you to get into my life.

Nick Wilgus

#22. We don't hide crazy," I said. "We put it on the porch and let it entertain the neighbors.

Nick Wilgus

#23. Every time a woman has a period, it's a spontaneous abortion because the egg didn't take," I said, undeterred. "Are we going to start having a funeral for every used tampon?

Nick Wilgus

#24. She thought the best way to feed her child was to use a slingshot. - Wiley Cantrell

Nick Wilgus

#25. Just imagine what it was like growing up here," he replied. "Every time I farted, the maid sprayed air freshener.

Nick Wilgus

#26. Bad weather's moving in," the old bird said, finally handing me a check.
Never seen so many tornadoes in my life.
We don't need no more of those," I agreed. "Last time one went through, the wind blew so hard I had to have my butt cheeks sewn back together.

Nick Wilgus

#27. Ishy, you got any homework?"
"If it's fractions, I'll help you," Sam said.
"Hen still doesn't know how to do fractions."
"I have spelling words I have to mesmerize," Ishmael said
"Those words will never know what hit them" Sam said.

Nick Wilgus

#28. I'll wipe that smile off your face," he vowed.
"And how do you plan to do that?"
"Put the kid to bed and I'll show you.

Nick Wilgus

#29. You know what they say. Family. Can't live with them. Can't kill them, if only because it dulls the ax blade.

Nick Wilgus

#30. Do you love me a lot? he asked.
I nodded.
As big as a house? he asked.
Bigger.
The grocery store?
Bigger.
The mall?
Bigger.
The sky?
Bigger.
Bigger than anything.
There isn't anything in this world bigger, I assured him.

Nick Wilgus

#31. I want to stand up and say so. He let his eyes wander over us.

Nick Wilgus

#32. I knew you'd say yes. You're so easy." "You've obviously never tried to get into my pants.

Nick Wilgus

#33. Is a decent bowel movement too much to ask for?

Nick Wilgus

#34. Better feed him more beans or you're going to have a midget on your hands, Wiley," he said. "It's bad enough to be deaf, but to be a deaf midget ... oh God, help us. I had a dog like that once.

Nick Wilgus

#35. And it's also not your business, Mr. Rakestraw said easily.

Nick Wilgus

#36. What do you do for fun in this town?
Well, you know. Wash dishes. Wipe up baby drool, put a new quart of oil in him once in a while. Watch the Weather Channel to see if any of the neighbors have been blown away by a tornado. Eat too much cheese and get cheese farts.
Keeps you busy, huh?

Nick Wilgus

#37. Oh, sorry, I'm thinking about Cousin Mary. Talk about a dog. That girl was so ugly we had to put a bag over her head when we went to town so we wouldn't get arrested for public indecency.

Nick Wilgus

#38. So you're lying to me again?" "It's a Southern tradition." "Are there any crocs in the water?" "I done told you there ain't no crocodiles around here." "What's the difference?" "Mostly the spelling, ...

Nick Wilgus

#39. It's good," Jackson said. "You're just saying that," I replied. "No, really, it's good. A little greasy ... ." "The grease is part of the charm," I pointed out. "Said the heart attack to the clogged arteries." "You're in the South now, boy. Grease is one of the four main food groups.

Nick Wilgus

#40. Kids were that way. The worse thing you could do to them was make them feel you had no use for them, that their presence didn't matter one way or the other, that they had nothing

Nick Wilgus