Morning Humor Quotes

#1. You can't really yell at your boyfriend for stealing your seat and your best friend. You also can't yell at your best friend for stealing your boyfriend. Or you can ... but Hi seemed like a much easier way to start the morning.

Ally Carter

#2. When reality and your dreams collide, typically it's just your alarm clock going off.

Crystal Woods

#3. If the Angels won, the entire Earth would be nothing but one giant Christmas frickin' morning, a choking wave of happiness and warmth and caring and sharing taking over everything.

J.R. Ward

#4. All I have to do is wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, Jazz. Everything else is optional.

Barry Lyga

#5. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Rita Rudner

#6. He had no intention of actually kissing her. Knowing Jenny, she probably put on arsenic tainted lipstick every morning. But she'd been the one making up reprobate stories about him for weeks and throwing herself at him all evening.

Anne Garboczi Evans

#7. In my lifetime I have learned, among other things, not to overcook
veal and never to forget a woman's name the morning after. On that day I
added another little ditty to my list: never blow up a dead whale with
dynamite.

Ute Carbone

#8. Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD.

Jeff Lindsay

#9. White people are drawn to farmer's markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if
you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.

Christian Lander

#10. Good morning!" my partner, Derrel, said in an insanely cheerful voice. "I need my Angel to come out and play.

Diana Rowland

#11. My mother used to say you should eat like a king in the morning, a queen at noon, and a pauper at night

K.S.R. Burns

#12. This morning the electricity came on for a few minutes, and when it did, Jonny said, "Hey, it's a black-on." This is what passes for humor around here.

Susan Beth Pfeffer

#13. How about you don't kill anybody for a little bit?"
"I can't make that promise."
Small talk with the dragon. How are you? Eaten any adventurers lately? Sure, just had one this morning. Look, I still got his femur stuck in my teeth. Is that upsetting to you?

Ilona Andrews

#14. To think I should have lived to be goodmorninged by Belladonna Took's son, as if I was selling buttons at the door!

J.R.R. Tolkien

#15. Good morning, baby. You know that the government has a responsibility for their own actions.

Zechariah Barrett

#16. If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3).

Jeremy Clarkson

#17. FINALLY she had convinced him that she would still respect him in the morning.

Anne Taintor

#18. What Promise of a new day does one have to ignore to laugh so early in the morning?

Leot Felton

#19. A typical race morning usually starts out looking like a scene from a zombie movie: individuals or pairs of people walking down a deserted street, all headed in the same direction ... Inevitably, regardless of the weather, U2's "Beautiful Day" streams out of loudspeakers.

Sarah Bowen Shea

#20. Everybody knew that he spent an hour each morning hopping about and kicking things like a maddened rabbit

Meredith Duran

#21. Why would I want to get depressed by watching TV? I could do that just by stepping on the scale every morning.

Max Brooks

#22. It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.

Mindy Levy

#23. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Groucho Marx

#24. There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!

Fulton J. Sheen

#25. My mum's uncle was a sailor," said Nobby. "But after the big plague he got press-ganged. Bunch of farmers got him drunk, and he woke up next morning tied to a plough.

Terry Pratchett

#26. I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days..

Billy Connolly

#27. I love a sense of humor, I love intelligence, I love specificity, I love surprises. I'm inspired to get out of bed in the morning and fill my day with good things.

Michael Stuhlbarg

#28. And since she drove to work every morning, I could only use the car on weekends. Well, weekends and the middle of the goddamned night.

John Green

#29. That morning she pours Teacher's over my belly and licks it off. That afternoon she tries to jump out the window.

Raymond Carver

#30. No more sex.
I blink several times at Anna as we stand outside the car the next morning. Have we been married long enough for her to say that?

Wendy Higgins

#31. Hank: As unbelievable as you may find this, Scott, we can do some things without your guidance.
Warren: You're right, Hank! Why, did you know I went to the bathroom this morning-
Hank: Not without Scott!
Warren: Yes!

Jeff Parker

#32. Assad: 'I have written it just down here.'

He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have meant it was going to snow in the Lofoten Islands in the morning.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

#33. My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.

Cary Grant

#34. On the morning appointed for Admiral Croft and Mrs. Croft's seeing Kellynch-hall, Anne found it most natural to take her almost daily walk to Lady Russell, and keep out of the way till all was over; when she found it most natural to be sorry that she had missed the opportunity of seeing them.

Jane Austen

#35. One has not lived until one has carried a sixty-pound dog down a sweeping flight of stairs at half-past V in the morning.

Connie Willis

#36. It's all right, darling. I can't stand people who are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at seven in the morning. Give me a girl who only gets going after ten!

Elizabeth Jane Howard

#37. Yeah, but I forgot to take my George Orwell-shaped multivitamins along with my breakfast bowl of Big Brother Os this morning.

Jim Butcher

#38. Nuala, can we just have, like, a cease-fire? I mean, you can go back to calling me an ass and trying to lure me to my death tomorrow and I'll go back to treating you like a psychotic bitch and researching ways to exorcise you in the morning, but seriously, can we just have a cease-fire for tonight?

Maggie Stiefvater

#39. Sure we could replace war with paintball battles. But it would escalate to paint grenades, paint bombs, weapons of mass paint. I don't want to live in a world where my kids have to worry about what color they will be in the morning.

Dan Florence

#40. I believe my life has a value, and i don't want to waste it thinking about clothing.
I don't want to think about what i will wear in the morning. Truly, can you imagine anything more boring than fashion?

Michael Crichton

#41. Later in the morning Saul tried to die.

Ray Bradbury

#42. I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

Criss Jami

#43. I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

Noel Fielding

#44. One morning she happened upon a bit of cloth decorated with pictures of little red squirrels carrying small, brown,nutsacks,and she nearly fainted away.

Cynthia Rylant

#45. Shep claimed eating cake like that so early in the morning was a 'whore's breakfast.' The rest of them didn't care. They were happy little whores who didn't worry about saving a morsel.

Rebecca Wells

#46. I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Rodney Dangerfield

#47. That wasn't me. I'm not a morning person. There's another person inside of me that does all the morning things.

N.D. Wilson

#48. You're a demon, you know that?" he said with feeling. "When your feet hit the floor every morning, I'll bet the devil shudders and says 'Oh shit, she's awake'" Cael to Jenner

Linda Howard

#49. Sometimes a girl needed more than Special K with Red Berries in the morning. This qualified as one of those mornings.

Stephanie Julian

#50. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

#51. I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Erma Bombeck

#52. D'Artagnan: Why is Athos sitting by himself?
Aramis: He takes his drinking very seriously. Not to worry, he'll be his usual charming self by morning.

Alexandre Dumas

#53. A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don't later fray.

Marcia Carrington

#54. I have no desire to spend every night of the next few months at balls and soirees or drowning in tea with morning callers.

Sarah M. Eden

#55. Mealtime
"A mousie squealing in a trap
Woke me from my morning nap.
Wasn't he so very sweet
To tell me it was time to eat?"
(From A CAT'S GARDEN OF VERSES)

Henry N. Beard

#56. On Christmas morning, Rebecca lost her moral virginity, her sense of humor - and her two best friends. But, other than that, it was a hell of a holiday.

Ellen Emerson White

#57. Sad, slow music in the small hours of the morning isn't just sad and slow music. It's a narration. And through the myriad of morning dew, we are the twinkling stars that fade with the rising sun.

Dave Matthes

#58. I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently.

Kevin Hearne

#59. Suzanne sat in Roger's chair, staring at the reflection of her dread morning face. Roger browsed his cassette rack. "Do you want calming or stimulating?" he asked her.
Suzanne mulled it over for a few moments. It was a question she had asked herself about men.

Carrie Fisher

#60. Yeah, Vi, unless Armageddon hit while i was fuckin' you this morning and we missed it, I'm thinkin' grocery stores still exist and they're all still stocked.

Kristen Ashley

#61. Lighten up." I yawned, pointing across the street to the diner. "If I got upset every time someone beat me, or chased me, or tried to rape me, I'd be crying in my cereal every morning. No one likes a whiner.

Mary Calmes

#62. If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

E.B. White

#63. Remember how it felt yesterday? What you saw me do?" I snorted and grinned. "Man, do I ever. I remembered twice last night and again this morning.

Missy Welsh

#64. You can fix it as soon as you get up - you brush and use mouthwash - but there's something about knowing you woke up with hot-mothball mouth that makes you feel old. I think God designed our mouths to die first to help us slowly transition to the grave.

Tina Fey

#65. I decided we should get married no more of this running-through-the-rain shit. We should live in the same place, sleep in the same bed at night, wake up together in the morning, and whenever there's a tornado, I can take care of you and watch Baseball at the same time.

Curtis Sittenfeld

#66. Torture at night, human sacrifice in the morning, healthy exercise at noon. What could possibly be on the schedule for the evening?

Sarah Rees Brennan

#67. Are you a man-whore? I asked as the loudest group of them teetered away on their high heels. (High heels? Really? At seven thirty in the morning? Shouldn't you actually have breasts before you start wearing heels?)

Laurie Halse Anderson

#68. Exercise II.
Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous. I have written an example to get you started:
Dear Diary,
I spent the morning admiring my skin elasticity.
God alive, I feel supple.

Joe Dunthorne

#69. A dirty and mean sense of humor first thing in the morning. I may learn to like you yet.

Lorelei James

#70. I had one class in the morning, the mysteriously named "Further Maths". It was two hours long and so deeply frightening that I think I went into a trance.

Maureen Johnson

#71. If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late

Henny Youngman

#72. Maybe in the morning, sunlight would to turn him back into a statue; then I could take Stone out to the forest where he could frolic among the ferns, gurgle at streams, and make friends with the other interesting rocks.

Devon Monk

#73. The autopsy took place in the morning and was the best argument for the buddy systemI had ever seen. Never live alone, I told myself. Before you chane a lightbulb, call someone from the other room and have him watch until you are finished.

David Sedaris

#74. I slipped some ... surprises in the tea after y'all left. Ma and Dad should both sleep 'till noon. I might have killed Grandpa, we'll see in the morning.

Abigail Roux

#75. Good morning, Si! I saw a rat in the bathroom, but he was taking a nice nap and we didn't bother each other.

Cassandra Clare

#76. I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

Chic Murray

#77. Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass ... but you just pushed my jackass button.

Bill Engvall

#78. I just came this morning and haven't been debriefed yet about the status of our latest prisoners. As a matter of fact, I'd barely stepped inside,

Elle Aycart

#79. To be angry once in a while is really good fun, because it makes others so miserable. But to be angry morning, noon and night, as I am, grows monotonous and prevents my gaining any other pleasure in life.

L. Frank Baum

#80. I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Frank Carson

#81. Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Mark Twain

#82. For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

Jim Gaffigan

#83. Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can't see a damn thing before having coffee.

Aleksandra Ninkovic

#84. Nat: Maybe you broke something.
Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down!
Nat: Ah, it's nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That's the system. Two years old, you stand up and then BOOM! seventy years later, you fall down again.

Herb Gardner

#85. Max - " ... Do me a favor, if the constable comes knocking, tell him I was here all morning, will you?"
Dodsley - "Killed someone again, did we?"
Max- "Never before luncheon, Dodsley. It's still early yet.

Gaelen Foley

#86. Get some sleep, Secretary General, get some sleep. Revolution can wait till the morning.

Mohammed Hanif

#87. I get up in the morning, torture a typewriter until it screams, then stop.

Clarence Budington Kelland

#88. She set the tray down on the table in the sitting area
which instantly perked up Galahad's ears.
Roarke simply pointed a warning finger that had the cat shooting up a leg to wash as if a morning ablution had been his only intention.

J.D. Robb

#89. I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

Jon S. Lewis

#90. Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself turned into an enormous symbol.

Howard Mittelmark

#91. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Steven Wright

#92. Fortunately, he'd found that most people were easy to locate at five thirty in the morning.

Patricia Briggs

#93. Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?"
"What's the point of that, Miss?" the waiter said.
"Tomorrow morning," Mabel said.

Libba Bray

#94. You want him praising the Lord in the morning, you put a smile on his face tonight.

Mark Gungor

#95. Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious Static Through A President's Elegy Or A Nude Hunchback Acquiring A Tan On The Crowded Oily Beach.

Leonard Cohen

#96. Who the hell calls at two in the morning?"
"Maybe it's Matt Wilde, confessing his love," Lindsay says.
"Very funny,

Lauren Oliver

#97. Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark.

Chris Owen

#98. You pray to God to save you. I'll stick with Smith & Wesson. We'll see who is alive in the morning.

Raegan Butcher

#99. Find something useful to do with your morning,' she thought to him as she neared her chambers. 'Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one's looking and then rescue him.

Kristin Cashore

#100. My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers.

Ronald Reagan