Top 100 Rita Rudner Quotes
#1. If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
Rita Rudner
#2. Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.
Rita Rudner
#3. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Rita Rudner
#4. I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
Rita Rudner
#5. I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
Rita Rudner
#6. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Rita Rudner
#7. Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."
Rita Rudner
#8. Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.
Rita Rudner
#9. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Rita Rudner
#10. Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
Rita Rudner
#11. If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
Rita Rudner
#12. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
#13. It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
Rita Rudner
#15. I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
Rita Rudner
#16. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Rita Rudner
#17. When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
#18. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
#19. Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code ... he turned himself in.
Rita Rudner
#20. I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
Rita Rudner
#21. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Rita Rudner
#22. Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.
Rita Rudner
#23. Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."
Rita Rudner
#24. I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine ...
Rita Rudner
#25. A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
Rita Rudner
#26. If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
Rita Rudner
#27. Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
Rita Rudner
#28. Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner
#29. Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Rita Rudner
#30. Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner
#31. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
Rita Rudner
#32. My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner
#33. I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
Rita Rudner
#34. I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
Rita Rudner
#35. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Rita Rudner
#36. I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
Rita Rudner
#37. Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.
Rita Rudner
#38. I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
Rita Rudner
#39. I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.
Rita Rudner
#40. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
Rita Rudner
#41. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
#42. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.
Rita Rudner
#43. I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.
Rita Rudner
#44. I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Rita Rudner
#45. I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.
Rita Rudner
#46. The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
Rita Rudner
#47. Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Rita Rudner
#48. Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Rita Rudner
#49. They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
Rita Rudner
#50. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
Rita Rudner
#51. When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always
Rita Rudner
#52. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Rita Rudner
#53. My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
Rita Rudner
#54. Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.
Rita Rudner
#55. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
Rita Rudner
#56. My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.
Rita Rudner
#57. I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
Rita Rudner
#58. Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Rita Rudner
#59. Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
Rita Rudner
#60. I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.
Rita Rudner
#61. I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.
Rita Rudner
#62. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner
#63. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
Rita Rudner
#64. Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?
Rita Rudner
#65. Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Rita Rudner
#66. I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
Rita Rudner
#67. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Rita Rudner
#68. On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
Rita Rudner
#69. Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.
Rita Rudner
#70. My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
Rita Rudner
#71. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Rita Rudner
#72. I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
Rita Rudner
#73. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Rita Rudner
#74. Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.
Rita Rudner
#75. When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner
#76. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
Rita Rudner
#77. Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner
#78. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
#79. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Rita Rudner
#80. I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.
Rita Rudner
#81. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner
#82. Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
Rita Rudner
#83. I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.
Rita Rudner
#84. Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
Rita Rudner
#85. I had the most boring office job in the world ... I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
Rita Rudner
#86. Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
Rita Rudner
#87. I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
Rita Rudner
#88. Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner
#89. Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
Rita Rudner
#90. I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
Rita Rudner
#91. I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
#92. Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
Rita Rudner
#93. When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
Rita Rudner
#94. An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.
Rita Rudner
#95. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
Rita Rudner
#96. I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner
#97. I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
Rita Rudner
#98. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
Rita Rudner
#99. In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
Rita Rudner
#100. I'm going to start water skiing someday ... as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.
Rita Rudner
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