Bill Engvall Quotes

#1. You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day. - Author: Bill Engvall

#2. I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos. - Author: Bill Engvall

#3. I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you. - Author: Bill Engvall

#4. I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it. - Author: Bill Engvall

#5. Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others. - Author: Bill Engvall

#6. I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco ... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign! - Author: Bill Engvall

#7. What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area. - Author: Bill Engvall

#8. Standup is a form of therapy. It is OK to tell problems to your audience as long as you are being honest and not boring them. I tell them that I am saving $75 an hour when I talk to them instead of a therapist. - Author: Bill Engvall

#9. I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison. - Author: Bill Engvall

#10. If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up! - Author: Bill Engvall

#11. I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. - Author: Bill Engvall

#12. I'm a blue collar guy. - Author: Bill Engvall

#13. It's fun being Bill Engvall. - Author: Bill Engvall

#14. Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign. - Author: Bill Engvall

#15. I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises. - Author: Bill Engvall

#16. I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. - Author: Bill Engvall

#17. It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. - Author: Bill Engvall

#18. And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim! - Author: Bill Engvall

#19. I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak. - Author: Bill Engvall

#20. People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?' - Author: Bill Engvall

#21. No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum. - Author: Bill Engvall

#22. I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role. - Author: Bill Engvall

#23. My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are ... the ones breaking into your house. - Author: Bill Engvall

#24. In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family. - Author: Bill Engvall

#25. I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.' - Author: Bill Engvall

#26. God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. - Author: Bill Engvall

#27. To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice. - Author: Bill Engvall

#28. A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there. - Author: Bill Engvall

#29. I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign. - Author: Bill Engvall

#30. I'm a big animal fanatic. - Author: Bill Engvall

#31. I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off. - Author: Bill Engvall

#32. One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign. - Author: Bill Engvall

#33. I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations." - Author: Bill Engvall

#34. I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too. - Author: Bill Engvall

#35. I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!' - Author: Bill Engvall

#36. A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign. - Author: Bill Engvall

#37. He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot." - Author: Bill Engvall

#38. If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen. - Author: Bill Engvall

#39. I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south. - Author: Bill Engvall

#40. I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life ... God ... I would be drunk with power. - Author: Bill Engvall

#41. If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody. - Author: Bill Engvall

#42. When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!' - Author: Bill Engvall

#43. There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper. - Author: Bill Engvall

#44. So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me. - Author: Bill Engvall

#45. Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey. - Author: Bill Engvall

#46. My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.' - Author: Bill Engvall

#47. There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment. - Author: Bill Engvall

#48. I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time. - Author: Bill Engvall

#49. I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47. - Author: Bill Engvall

#50. I have been passed over on some things because people didn't think I was edgy enough. But the people who took those gigs are gone now, and I am still here. - Author: Bill Engvall

#51. Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey ... " (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad". - Author: Bill Engvall

#52. In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships. - Author: Bill Engvall

#53. Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good. - Author: Bill Engvall

#54. That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men - Author: Bill Engvall

#55. The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you. - Author: Bill Engvall

#56. Europe has such an expansive history. - Author: Bill Engvall

#57. If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute. - Author: Bill Engvall

#58. How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? - Author: Bill Engvall

#59. I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains. - Author: Bill Engvall

#60. I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out. - Author: Bill Engvall

#61. You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!". - Author: Bill Engvall

#62. I've really got no complaints. - Author: Bill Engvall

#63. I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign! - Author: Bill Engvall

#64. There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it. - Author: Bill Engvall

#65. I don't pick on people. - Author: Bill Engvall

#66. I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign! - Author: Bill Engvall

#67. I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing. - Author: Bill Engvall

#68. Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges. - Author: Bill Engvall

#69. I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.. - Author: Bill Engvall

#70. I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it. - Author: Bill Engvall

#71. A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums. - Author: Bill Engvall

#72. I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that. - Author: Bill Engvall

#73. I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania. - Author: Bill Engvall

#74. I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down. - Author: Bill Engvall

#75. People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in. - Author: Bill Engvall

#76. I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' - Author: Bill Engvall

#77. My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties ... welcome to my world. - Author: Bill Engvall

#78. As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!" - Author: Bill Engvall

#79. I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads. - Author: Bill Engvall

#80. I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree. - Author: Bill Engvall

#81. Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger. - Author: Bill Engvall

#82. I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer. - Author: Bill Engvall

#83. I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake. - Author: Bill Engvall

#84. The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.' - Author: Bill Engvall

#85. When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you. - Author: Bill Engvall

#86. You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades. - Author: Bill Engvall

#87. As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside. - Author: Bill Engvall

#88. I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process. - Author: Bill Engvall

#89. I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.' - Author: Bill Engvall

#90. I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin. - Author: Bill Engvall

#91. Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person. - Author: Bill Engvall

#92. I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me. - Author: Bill Engvall

#93. To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop. - Author: Bill Engvall

#94. Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass ... but you just pushed my jackass button. - Author: Bill Engvall

#95. Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list. - Author: Bill Engvall

#96. I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower. - Author: Bill Engvall

#97. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome. - Author: Bill Engvall

#98. You can't climb a tile wall. - Author: Bill Engvall

#99. I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer. - Author: Bill Engvall

#100. Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.' - Author: Bill Engvall